Todd Collins - The Diary of an NFL Quarterback

A Family Reunion!

2008-10-13T14:19:00.024-04:00

Greetings skinheads, and happy Columbus Day! I know it's been a while since you've heard from the 'ol TC but I have much to share with you about the comings and goings of your favorite NFL QB. With Papa Al and my mentor Trent Green of the illustrious St. Louis Rams in for the weekend, you can imagine how busy the past few days have been. After yesterday's game, the three of us went to celebrate the victory with a hayride to the pumpkin fields out in Poolesville -- not too far from Dan's waterside mansion.

Papa Al has always been like a father to me, and Trent often like a second father. As you know, these kinds of relationships are completely legal back in my home state. Anyway, while we were riding on that tractor, they asked me all about the Redskins and the great success we've been having the past few weeks. I told them all about the arrival of Me-so-Zorny and how his first phone call once he got the job was to yours truly. He told me quite clearly that he wanted me to be the starter, and his featured weapon in the west coast offense. I explained to Zorn that I don't have time to learn a new offense, but I'd start coaching him on Papa Al's 700 page playbook as soon as he was ready.

By the end of the August, Zorneezy still didn't have a good feel for the system. He wanted me to play against the Giants in week 1 but I told him that simply wasn't possible. I hadn't anticipated having to work on a Thursday, and my schedule was already booked with a casting call for Terminator 4. I didn't get the part, but my long lost brother Christian Bale did, and I'm happy to settle for producer creds on the film. Anyway, long story short, I was back on the sidelines calling plays in week 2, and that has made all the difference.

"Why didn't you play in the games, TC?" I know that's the question that's been on all of your minds, and the cause of many sleepless nights. My friends, let me put your unease to rest. Many have forgotten the tragedy of September 8, 2008. On that fateful day, the second greatest QB in NFL history, my friend and mentee Tom Brady, went down with a career threatening injury. With hours of blood, sweat, and guts invested in his development back at the University of Michigan, I was worried that my legacy might be tarnished. I had to scramble to find my next successor, because all bets are off with Tom now. Little did I realize that the next TC and TB was right here on the skins... Yes, Mr. Brennan, or CB as I call him now, combines the best of TC and TB, minus the Ts. But it goes further than that gentlemen, and of course, you lovely ladies. Just take a gander at these tea leaves fellas:

T O D D C O L L I N S

C O L T B R E N N A N

Our names are the same length, and have the same number of letters. And while I'm not ashamed to point out that Todd is the best first name in the English language, theres no denying that Colt is a distant second. Yes folks, I've been training CB to be the next great QB of the world. I know you saw what he did this preseason, and believe me, that's just the beginning. With so much on my plate in calling the plays, developing Zorn, and grooming CB to take this team over, I haven't had time to play any downs. But rest assured skinheads, once we make the playoffs I will clear some time to play.

Ok, time to give Colt makeover #1.

I'm Back!

2008-03-01T00:39:00.006-05:00

Well it looks like yours truly will be the QB of 'Skinhead nation for at least the next 6 years. Stay tuned for the low down on how this deal happened. TC's been very busy ironing out the details of this contract with the required due diligence.

Off-Season Report #2: New Coach, Giants and Concerts

2008-02-11T15:29:00.000-05:00

Hey there fruitcakes, it's your main man TC here with an update on all things important. I had such a great week in Hawaii and wasn't quite ready to play after attending Snoop Dogg's celebrity Luau on Saturday night so I told Coach McCarthy to just go with the other QBs. Fortunately it worked out and I was once again victorious in life. Anyway, it's great being back in the lower 48 and of course back in the Collins Cheesecake Factory Suite.

Although it was quite heartbreaking to see my New England Patriots go down in a blaze of fire, I was still happy for one member of the New York Giants. Congratulations Amani!!! Man, I'm pretty sure a word search into the Collins' blog will come up with a few favorites - coeds, grooming, no interceptions, Tom Brady, Cheesecake Factory, Herbie Hancock, and Amani Toomer. It's been a long journey for my old roommate but he proved what we already knew - that the Michigan class of 1994 rules! Amani's winning also shows that TC is due for his first NFL championship next year, so Redskins fans should be excited about that. Even if I'm in another city, I know you'll follow the career of TC. After watching the Puppy Bowl and tracking my Dominoes Pizza order online for the first three quarters, I was definitely on the edge of my seat for that very exciting 4th quarter. I guess the lesson we need to learn is that perfection is not achieved easily which truly makes me appreciate all my flawlessness.

In other news...we've got a new coach. Snyder must have been sensing the kind of cash that it will take to keep TC around so he didn't hire the big name most were expecting. I'd like to be the first to welcome Jim Zorn to Washington. Although Zorn will probably just be a figure head for the coaching genius of yours truly, it'll be nice to have a new "boss" around. Zorny has an impressive resume which includes... 4 days as the head coach of the Washington Redskins. After being hired as Offensive Coordinator three TC coeds ago, Zorn quickly moved up the ranks after a rousing rendition of "Bust a Move" by Young M.C. during a night of karaoke in Adams Morgan to which Snyder was in attendance. Snyder invited Zorn out for a jumbo slice followed by a Julia empanada and the rest is history.

If this truly is goodbye, then my time in DC has truly been special for the people of Washington. It even appears that TC has inspired a rock band. In fact, this Friday, February 15th, 10pm at the Grog and Tankard, you can see a band named TC-15 which is clearly paying homage for my time here. These guys surely have fantastic taste, so I'm pretty confident it will be a good show and I might just show up to play some jazz flute. This should catapult TC to godly status now that I've inspired millions of people with my quarterbackin', pick up artistin', and rockin'.

Well as the saying goes, that's all folks. I look forward to blogging with you all as the off-season progresses and don't forget to vote because not voting is un-American and offensive to TC - a true American Patriot.

Todd Collins

#15

Off-Season Report #1

2008-01-27T11:30:00.000-05:00

Hey all you TC-heads out there, it's your favorite starting QB TC here to give you the latest scoop on what's going down this off-season.

I'm in Hawaii and awaiting my pro-bowl invite any day now. I'm confident that I am NFC alternate QB #2. I'm currently awaiting my Escargot Maison appetizer and Avocado Crab Crusted Fresh Mahimahi while sipping on a cabernet sauvignon at the very romantic Hau Tree Lanai Restaurant with my wife Andrea. She doesn't mind if I pull out the ole' laptop before our appetizer arrives, so it's a good time to get this bloggin' started. Most of you are probably wondering - "Hey, TC, we haven't heard from you since you single-handedly saved our season." Sorry TC lovers, but it's been quite the busy off-season with the coaching search, endorsement deals, Pros v. Joes Season 2 filming, World Series of Poker, and the obvious courting of yours truly from around the league.

Let me start my first off-season blog by keeping y'all abreast on the coaching search. While I'm sad to see Uncle Joe, Uncle Greggg and especially Papa Al leave, I must say that I am excited about the opportunity of pursuing my coaching career right here in Washington DC. Snyder texted me last night to alert me that I'm on a short lists of finalists along with Jim Fassel, Ron Meeks, and Lloyd Carr. I had preliminary interviews at the Grand Hyatt downtown in Mr. Snyder's executive suite. There was a crowded lobby of potential candidates which included a team of Ditka for HC, Jaworski for OC, Boomer for QB coach, Keyshawn for WR coach and TJ for DC. I knew the competition would be fierce so I told Snydes that I was the obvious choice since I am a one man staff + QB and come for the basement bargain price of the top paid head coach plus top paid OC and DC. Anyway, Snyder said he'd get back to me.

If for some reason I don't end up as your head coach, then Washington might be seeing the last of TC. As we all know, Papa Al has been sent packing. Al is a father figure to me, and I credit Al and God given talent such as rocket arm, pinpoint accuracy, and elusiveness for my NFL success. There's some rumors that Al might head to St. Louis which would make that job quite attractive since Bulger clearly isn't getting them to the promise land. I've been weighing the pros and cons...DC has $1 beers at McFaddens with college coeds, $.10 wings with college coeds, trivia at Fado with some college coeds, smoke machines at Lima with college coeds trying to meet Europeans or NFL QBs, college coeds in GTown, college coeds in Foggy Bottom, college interns on the Hill, and Fuddruckers. There's some other things too like the cherry blossoms and national mall which TC can appreciate being a historian and all. Plus, TC has all sorts of VIP treatment in DC, although establishing that in St. Louis should be no problem. On the other hand, St. Louis has Papa Al, Anheuser-Busch, and....the Arch? So, it's a wash. Now, there's tons of other starting QB options out there for TC but it pretty much boils down to remaining the savior in DC, following Papa Al, or having the homecoming of the century with the Patriots and battling it out with my mentee, Tom Brady.

The Superbowl build-up has been very exciting for me since I am a life long Patriots fan. In a way I'm kind of glad that we aren't playing the Patriots since my lawyers say it would have created a conflict of interest. Anyway, I'll be on speed dial with Tom and Belichick throughout the game and help break down some series with my superior football IQ.

So that's all folks. It's still young in the off-season, so stay tuned for more updates as the off-season goes down. Let me sign off before Andrea wolfs down all my escargot.

Todd Collins

Live Bloggin': Playoff Edition!

2008-01-05T16:03:00.000-05:00

7:50 - To quote the Beatles, "now it's time to say goodnight to the 2007 season."

7:30 - Ok, i know what you're thinking. TC throws an interception, the apocalypse is coming, let's go score some drugs, hit the strip club, and go down in a blaze of glory. Not so fast...since that INT came in the post-season it doesn't really count against my stats...right? Anyway, there will be a Disney movie about this game by the end, so stay tuned.

7:17 - Laron Landry...so smoooooth.

7:15 - So TC's no prophet, just a savior. Damnit Suisham, where did we find this guy anyway? I know I've never heard of him before this year. Only 14-13. To quote George Michael, "you gotta have faith."

7:08 - You're welcome for my brilliance. To quote Warrant - "TCs my Cherry Pie." I don't know when people are going to stop doubting....whoa, our ball. I'll be back when it's 21-13

7:00 - To quote Badfinger - "there is no real perfection...unless it's Todd Collins' quarterback rating in the 4th quarter." I'm feeling pretty good, although my back's a little sore from carrying this team.

6:43 - Ok, only 13-0. TC scores at least twice every night, so don't worry about this one. We're gonna use some secret weapons for this drive.

6:34 - Keep hope alive! Just remember I taught Tom Brady and Matt Hassleback everything they know. I haven't lost a game since 1997, so there's no reason to get your panties in a bunch. TC loves drama. So let's just think happy thoughts and everything will be ok. In TC we trust!

Halftime - Sometimes you just gotta cut your losses. Therefore, I will be playing the second half by myself on offense. Halftime Entertainment.

5:54 - God blessed me with good looks, perfect features, wonderful hygiene and enough sex appeal to be GQ Man of the Year. However, it is also the reason that Seattle can't keep their hands off of me as if I were a New Kid on the Block circa 1990. Wow, our ball already...unfortunately there's three minutes left, or else the two minute drill would be in full effect.

5:43 - Peterson of Michigan St. might have gotten me that time, but he can not make up for the decades of whoopings that my Wolverines have given his Spartans. But none of that is relevant right now. Don't worry Skins fans, Captain Collins is weathering the storm on this loveboat and it'll be smooth sailing from here on out.

5:31 - This is not going exactly as planned. I can't believe that someone would not be able to hear my manly and boisterous voice while I'm calling for the snap. We might have to get into the locker room so that I can give the offense a piece of my mind. It's as if I'm wasting my greatness today. I wonder if the Patriots will pick me up to start next week if we're eliminated today....hmmm.

5:22 - Someone keep Kerney away from me...I think he's got the hots for TC. This is why Gibbs needs to listen to me - none of this stuff happens if Mark takes out his knees. uh-oh, back on the field

5:12 - While I continue to throw wonderfully tight and accurate spirals, things just aren't clicking yet. I'm going to talk to Coach Gibbs about sending Brunell in to make a run at Kerney's knees....TC does not enjoy a man laying on top of him. It's nice to see a fellow New England quarterback on the field. Although lacking the prowess of dating supermodels or perfect symmetrical features, Hasselback has served the state of Massachusetts quite proudly. Time to play...

5:01 - Do all the ladies get excited every time Smootalicious touches the ball or is it just me? Anyway, I got ready for my fourth ever playoff drive...but twas not meant to be :..( Oh well, time to go un-pause my game of Tetris.

4:52 - Although TC was flawless on that drive, the rest of the crew is cracklin' under the pressure of such a meaningful game. The excitement of a playoff game and the season premier on American Gladiators is a lot to handle for one weekend. However, the TC legend continues to throw as I am quickly establishing a reputation as the King of Swing passes.

4:40 - Man it's louder than an Enya concert in here. A quick three and out, and I can go finish my pre-game pilates before my next drive. Although I appreciate how well our defense is playing, I must say that it's been tough to complete all sideline rituals between drives. Nice, a little Pearl Jam before commercial...Alive, just like TC.

4:00 - Ladies and Gentlemen. After 36 years and 1/5th of my life, it's playoff time for TC. Although I come into this game with plenty of experience from the 1996 wild card match up against the Jaguars when I threw a few dropped passes. Papa Al has assured me that we're gonna throw more than 4 times, so my career high should be passed shortly. I'm currently air drying while waiting for the game to start. I like to get deeply entranced in meditation before games. Anything that TC visualizes will come true. Alright boys, let's go get 'em TC style....back in a bit!

Happy New Year!

2008-01-03T12:31:00.000-05:00

Ladies, it's your favorite quarterback, one time NFC player of the week, one time horse trailer player of the game, and now NFC player of the month, TC here. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and got those Tickle Me Collins' that have been flying off the shelves. I also hope you had a wonderful new year and made your resolutions to never doubt TC again.

I know I had a great 2007 filled with no interceptions, 106.4 QB ratings, lots of Cheesecake Factory, a star on the Hollywood walk of fame, and the success of the first annual TC's double-dutch championships for inner city DC children. 2008 promises to be even better already as I am actually playing which means that I should win the NFC player of the month 12 times.

Beating the Cowboys and qualifying for the playoffs probably ranks up somewhere in the 123-127 range of greatest moments of TC's life, and right up there with Jack Collins' birth this past month. Did you know that TC was the only NFL QB in the past four games who didn't throw an INT? I did. This victory cemented TC and TB as the top two quarterbacks in the NFL which is the way it should be. We have the top two ratings, two best groomers, best humor, longest tooth brushers, and greatest aura. There's no doubt that we'll be facing each other in the Superbowl and the Pro Bowl. Some of you guys might be saying..."Todd, the regular season is one one thing, but how can we trust a QB with such little playoff experience?" I will point you in the direction of the 1995 and 1996 NFL seasons when TC was a young lad with the Buffalo Bills. In 1995, I had the privlege of backing up Alex Van Pelt as he filled in for an injured Jim Kelly in a 40-21 Wild-Card loss to the Steelers. That experience prepared me for my playoff debut when yours truly filled in for the once again injured Jim Kelly for a series. In a magical 30-27 loss to the Jaguars, I went 1-4, 7 yards and 0 INTs. TC is a playoff veteran, and that experience will help us immensly on Saturday.

New Years Day was quite exciting as I have quit partying to watch game-tape to help strategize for both the Redskins and Michigan games. I flew down to Orlando with other famous Wolverines such as Braylon Edwards, Tom Brady, Amani Toomer, the ashes of Gerald Ford, James Earl Jones, Madonna, Dr. Kavorkian and the unabomber to be there for Coach Carr's last game and implement the spread attack which took down Florida. Although it was quite a victorious day, a bad omen was unleashed when Mike Hart fumbled twice after 1002 carries without a fumble. I started thinking about my interception streak, but quickly realized that Hart was mortal. I was very tempted to start partying in Orlando with my old teammates, but decided to keep it PG-13 with Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and Pluto.

That's all for now. I look forward to live blogging during the Seahawks game, but we all know that TC does not lose and that I shall grace the 2nd round with my presence. Normally I'd check off by saying that I've just finished off some mini burgers or nachos grande, but it's a new TC for a new year.

Todd Collins

#15

Redskins Cowboys - Live Blog!

2007-12-30T14:32:00.000-05:00

Post-Game Wrapup: TC would like to personally welcome all his fans to the playoffs! I'm 4-0 as your starter, and yes, tomorrow night the 10-year interception streak will ring in for another year. Coming off the bench and saving the team's season, many have likened me to greats such as Jeff Garcia, or as I like to call him "el saviour de philadelphia." After tonight's performance, I think they may even start comparing Tom Brady to me. I'm not one to make predictions, but don't be too shocked if the superbowl features a matchup of Michigan QBs. The master vs. the apprentice, that would be quite a story. On to Seattle!

6:49 PM: Another toss, another completion, and another TD for TC! 5 TDs and zero INTs for Massachusetts' finest. My passer rating is down from 107 to 106.4, but tonight's post-game party will more than make up for that. I think Santana has earned a designated seat next to Cooley in the tub. I'm looking forward to matching up against fellow New England QB Matt Hasselback as he hails from Norfolk, Mass. We've been rivals ever since I had an encounter with the Xaverian Brothers High School cheerleaders in the spring of '89.

6:38 PM: What would the NFL have been like if TC was actually starting the past 10 years? I'll let you folks marinate on that while I finish this drive.

6:23 PM: When the FOX Commentators mention "Todd Collins Magic," that's basically what it looks like in action. 20-3 Skins. I better go ahead a pre-order a hot tub in Seattle.

Halftime Update: They've been keeping me pretty busy out there on the field so there hasn't been much time for blogging. Santana has been dropping a lot of beautifully thrown balls, so I had to give him a little pep talk in the locker room. We'll come out firing and should be in the playoffs within the hour.

5:24 PM: I need to have a word with Buges about these protection schemes. I can't be getting hit when I'm trying to read the field and throw the ball. Go Broncos!

5:03 PM: 10-0, and the zebras are trying to give the game away, but even they can't stop Suisham's leg of destiny. So far so good. Romo has not been playing well since he started dating Jessica Simpson. Good, veteran QBs like Tom Brady and yours truly have shown the ability to juggle numerous supermodels and the rigors of football at the same time. Tony clearly needs some help in that department. I might have to take him under my wing after the season ends.

4:38 PM: D is playing too well. I don't even get a break today...

4:34 PM: Don't worry folks, TC does not throw INTs and that throw was just a ploy to get good field position with the penalty. 7-0 skins. Good run portis. And I'd like to thank Cooley for being the best receiver ever. If we could clone him 9 times and get them all out on the field with TC I don't think we'd ever lose. I'll need to talk to Dan about acquiring some scientists to get on that.

4:24 PM: Tough drive. I carried the team as far as I could but at some point the line needs to block and Caldwell needs to catch. I'm blogging from the sidelines on my new iPod Touch that Andrea gave me for Christmas and the raindrops are definitely messing with the screen. Time to look at some photos of the D...

4:14 PM: I hope you all saw TC's 107.0 passing rating this month. Apparently TO didn't even travel to DC - he no doubt fears the growing legend of TC. I better get ready, we've got the ball...

3:59 PM: The weather is getting nasty out here folks. I'd rather be on my couch in my georgetown estate taking a nap right now, but with my big free agency payday coming up in a few months this is a good opportunity to keep padding the stats. I just got off the phone with my bookie. I won't give any details but let's just say that the TC-led redskins have won every game by at least 8 points.

2:32 PM: Hey skinheads, it's your NBC Horse-Trailer Player of the Week here ready to lead the charge into the final game of the season. Anyway, I just got in to Fedex from Union Station. It was a late party night yesterday evening as I spent the evening clubbing in NYC with Tom, Wes, Randy, and Junior. 16-0 is truly an amazing feat, almost as amazing as not throwing an interception in 10 years... but not quite. Still, it's really good to see hard work pay off, and all those late-night hours I spent tutoring Tom at U of M have basically created the best team in NFL history. But TC is a humble man and would never claim such credit for himself. Anyway, Papa Al is pretty angry with me getting in so late, so I better start warming up, but let's face it, I've been prepping this game plan for almost 7 years.

Redskins vs. Vikings: Live Bloggin'

2007-12-23T19:07:00.000-05:00

Game Wrap-Up - As I said last week, TC loves two things - blogging and winning. Therefore, this ties the previous two weeks as the best weeks of my life. I had a good time leading scoring drives, throwing touchdowns, not throwing interceptions, calling the defense in the first half, and writing some mandolin classics on the sidelines. Final stats - 22/29, 254 yards, 2TDs. That's good enough for another 100+ QB rating, and if it's not...it should be. Those days of 5-7 records and not making the playoffs in the Jason Campbell era seem long ago. I gotta go get my groom on for all this post-game love I get. I might go with black on black like last week. Ok, I'll catch you all later this week. Happy Holidays from TC!

11:10 - Being a team player, I'm gonna give Clinton a bunch of credit on that drive. However, TC is a master slant passer which accounted for about 90% of that score.

11:00 - Not to be out done by Tavarias, TC had to show his mobility on that first down run. But TC can follow it up with a beautiful pass. I wouldn't worry about the fumble, I've got like two verses left..then I'll wrap up this game.....nevermind, back to the field!

10:47 - I'd like to take this brief minute, while I watch the Vikings march down the field, to remind you that my interception-less streak has been extended to ten years, two games, and three quarters.

10:36 - It's been awhile since I've touched the pigskin, but I'm kind of glad Minnesota recovered that onside kick. I mean, we're gonna win anyway, and I'm really making some progress on these songs I'm writing on the sidelines. Be sure to pick up my CD in 2008.

10:23 - 25-0. After a lively half time which included reggaeton and Irish jigging, we came out with some pep. I decided to show my versatility by throwing a pancake block on 3rd and goal.

9:48 - Halftime Entertainment!

9:42 - I will now only respond to Todd "el saviorrrrr" Collins with lots of rolling R's. Looks like Clinton has picked up on my throwing lessons to Jason. I'm on my way to another 100+ rating. 22-0.

9:25 - Godly deep ball to Santana...never had to break stride. 16-0.

9:21 - This is getting absurd. The defense is forcing me to get on the field faster than you can say "fire-roasted fresh artichoke." Anyway, that three and out I just orchestrated should teach them a lesson. Time to do into my fire-roasted...CHRIST, back on the field.

9:12 - So the TC-sneak comes a week after the Madden preview, but it's just as effective. A few nice screen passes set up a fake FG attempt which I created after 12 years on special teams. The result? Negative. Still 9-0

9:00 - Ok, I know some of you are thinking that the fumble was quite an un-TC thing to do. But, how many of you have kept a meatball marinara in Mark Brunell's hand-warmer for an entire quarter? I had to get back to the sideline.

8:50 - TC with a jump shot into Cooley's arms that would make Detlef Schrempf jealous. Now that I'm officially on the way to 3-0 as a starter, it's time to second guess Joe's week 1 decision to go to Jason. Extrapolate this record to the entire season and we're 15-0 after today...look out Patriots.

8:35 - Something I've been teaching Jason throughout the year is that the most effective passes are in the air for less than 5 yards. I'm an extremely accurate shovel passer, so we've worked that into the playbook this week. Smoot's been eating those power bars again...but runs out of bounds inside the ten (as we had discussed) so that TC can pad those legendary stats on this contract year. Rats, I gotta get back on the field, 2-0.

8:27 - Al loves opening up the passing game when I play, so I think they were ready for it. Some monster giant of a man bats my first pass down, then a Collins special (screen pass) goes for nada mucho when Sellers can't break a simple tackle. Well, time to go unwrap my meatball marinara before next possession.

7:15 - About an hour before gametime and I'm getting out of the hot-tub after a nice rub down and eyebrow plucking from Papa Al Saunders. Next step is to get the hair set since I've been running around in this Minnesota snow all morning trying to get Andrea a nice Christmas gift, as well as something that shows my appreciation to the staff of the Cheesecake Factory. Then I'll get my right arm well oiled and ready to go. We control our own destiny now...of course TC doesn't believe in destiny - only hard work and sacrifice. Wish me luck!

Wrapping up Week 15

2007-12-18T00:45:00.000-05:00

Que pasas casas...it's your one-time NFC player of the week TC here coming to you live from my brand new yacht which I'm planning to pay for with the Pro-Bowl bonus that will be coming my way soon. It's nice to get out here on the high seas of that beautiful Bahamian water with some good friends, good food, good tunes and good times. I've brought my favorite staff from the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate the end of such a wonderful week. So let TC take you on a voyage aboard my blogging-boat for the next few minutes to tell you exactly what went down this week.

Last week was quite the whirlwind for me. With all the plans I made this summer such as mandolin lessons, public speaking engagements, running a few half marathons, bringing a class action lawsuit on behalf of the Walpole Carpenters Union, Dancing With the Stars, and perfecting the Superbowl Shuffle, this was really the first week I was able to free my schedule enough to prepare to start a game.

So the week started with high acclaim and a well deserved award for only the best players in the NFC. Now that I've become such a celebrity in DC, I was invited to an exclusive DC fraternity with other famous people from here. So Wednesday night I went to K Street Lounge to celebrate with an eclectic group which included Dave Chappelle, Connie Chung, Tim Gunn, Maury Povich and a Jim Morrison impersonator. The night got a little out of control when Connie and Tim insisted on doing body shots on yours truly. Fortunately, I was able to get out of there with my dignity and return home to my Georgetown estate with a few buddies for an after hour party since Andrea's been a little busy this week.

The Mitchell Report was the next biggest event (besides me) to come out of this week. I have to admit I was a little nervous on this one. Rumors have been circulating about my 10-0 season as a starting pitcher for Walpole High School in 1988. One night at a local Boston bar with some Bellirica High cheerleaders, I was downing a few cold ones with my boyhood idol - Roger Clemens. He taught me his 5 C's of pitching...cream, control, change-ups, chicanery, and cream. He gave me a can of this aforementioned cream. Next thing I know, I had bigger biceps, 5 more MPHs to the fastball and an extra inch of optical edge.

Folks, I got a very special call on Friday while sitting on my beach chair and overseeing practice. It turns out that yours truly had created new life. I took the private jet that I co-own with Danny and went to see Andrea. It was very special to see a young Jack Collins just walk out and say his first words - "what's going on pops?" Fast development runs in the family.

The game was pretty special as I continued my winning streak at 2, my undefeated streak at 10 years, and my interception streak which is moving towards eternal. I'd like to thank Amani for helping me out with some drops, and an "unintentional" roll into the Shocker. For more on the game...make sure to read the live blog from Sunday.

Finally, I concluded my week by flying to Ann Arbor to introdue the next face of Michigan football - Rich Rodriguez. We've been working on a deal for when my playing career is over in ten years to be an offensive coordinator at Michigan. RichRod has seen me use my legs to propel my NFL career and couldn't think of anyone he'd rather have teaching the option-spread offense. However, I was quite disgusted when RichRod misrepresented the all-time classic, The Lion King at his national press conference. Coach Fraud said - "there's a scene where the monkey hits the lion over the head and the lion says, 'What did you do that for?' And the monkey says, 'Doesn't matter, it's in the past." Although genius for bringing up the Lion King, everyone know that Rafiki was actually trying to teach Simba that the past does matter, and can hurt. I just wanted to get that off my chest...phew.

Ok, well it's been a great week full of winning football games, incomplete passes, Baby Collins', new coaches, steroid probes, Disney monkeys, and too much Connie Chung. I've rambled on long enough, and I just noticed that Antwaan scripted "man lover" into my chest with the suntan lotion... not that there's anything wrong with that. I'll see y'all with my game preview in a few days!

Todd Collins
#15

Week 15: Live In Game Updates!

2007-12-16T22:02:00.000-05:00

Recap: VICTORY! I've been telling you people all year that Todd Collins does not throw interceptions. Even on a windy and dreary night, TC puts the ball where it has to be - either in his receivers' hands or on the ground. I think it's safe to say that if TC isn't gonna throw an interception on a night like this, that this streak should survive another good ten years. I must now get ready for my post-game interviews, press conferences, college coeds in the meat packing district, and a late night run to Taco bell with Amani. There's two things that TC loves more than anything - winning football games and blogging...so it's a good night.

11:34 - Two-minute warning, and two minutes away from officially being back in the playoff hunt, and two minutes from TC being 2-0 since 1997.

11:27 - Papa Al got a little conservative, but he's a clock management genius so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. It's getting a little cold out there around this time of night, so I don't so much mind putting on my big redskins jacket and taking a seat.

11:20 - I don't wanna take too much credit...but TC was a little busy calling the defensive plays during that last drive.

11:08 - TC got a reputation as the king of screen passes after setting the all-time career Michigan completion percentage record at 64.29%. Unfortunately, Ladell comes up a little bit short, and it's time to go locate that second half of the chipwich.

11:01 - Been a little while, but I got a good power nap in before this drive, so we're gonna score. Smoot has been eating those power bars of his and breaks up a huge pass...might want to test those for performance enhancements of some kind.

10:55 - These New Yorkers are getting on Amani about dropping these passes...but just remember that Amani and I are bff from Michigan. Amani knows that TC's got billz to pay, a new kid, and a free-agent contract coming his way.

10:51 - Things are getting interesting now....but they wouldn't have been if Chris could handle balls like yours truly. Just heard that Madden's been talking about my ball-handling all night and it's making me a little uncomfortable.

10:40 - Fake throw thing I invented did not work this time. TC is a team player, so I'll take the blame for that play...but not the two bad runs. Don't worry though, TC's leading this team to victory like Captain Jean-Luc Picard led the Starship Enterprise.

10:25 - TC comes out en fuego in the 2nd half. A strike to Cooley, and a few runs while I'm resting my gun, and we're up 22-3. I hope Mark is taking some lessons on the sideline.

10:10 - Half-Time. The completion percentage is a little low, but the confidence is at an all-time high since we're winning by a 16- 3 score. As team captain, it's my duty to fire the boys up in the second half, so I shall give a Shakespearean half-time speech. I'll probably re-set my hair, brush the upper molars a few more times, and pick up some milk before Andrea notices I finished off the last carton, then I'll be re-charged and ready to go!

10:08 - Papa Al has implemented the fake-throw and hand off play I designed in practice this week and it's averaging about 25 yards a carry....about time someone around here started listening to me. Even though I didn't throw too much, I'm gonna have to take credit for managin the clock, inventing that play, and dominating the two-minute drill.

9:47 - My first TD drive as a starter since 1997! Man, that feels good. I'm clearly on my game right now and our offense is becoming a juggernaut in just my second week. TCriffic!

9:40 - Ok, I just finished a few Long Island Iced Teas in honor of New York, and I'm ready to go on this drive.

9:35 - The Final Countdown blares from the stadium speakers, and I was pretty confident that I'd lead us on our third scoring drive of the game. I'm a little worried at this point considering that Amani Toomer can explode at any point and make this a 7-6 game. A phenomenal punt sets them up inside their own 5.

9:23 - The Todd/Todd (Collins/Yoder) connection will truly go down as the next Montana/Rice. A big pass to Santana sets up a scoring drive and we're up 6-0. I'm feeling good now so watch out for the next couple of drives.

9:13 - The QB rating is taking a little bit of a hit. The good news is that the interception streak is now another quarter longer. However, I've caught wind that Al and John are starting to get a little nasty towards TC.

9:05 - An impressive scoring drive by yours truly and we're up 3-0. The old right arm is defrosting and I'm throwing world class passes once again. Give Cooley -4 on that one.

8:54 - Ay dios mio. Santana was mugged! Anyway, Papa Al's got some great moves up his sleeves and a brand new jump suit on, so I think we're in good shape.

8:45 - I put that one right in Clinton's hands, not much more I can do. It's ok, as I'm confident we'll score soon.

8:42 - Giants go four and out and I've gotta leave the rest of this chipwich on the sideline...could have really used a first down there.

8:33 - A little windy out there. Antwaan was clearly held at the line because the ball went to the spot I've been throwing it all week in practice.

8:30 - An exciting punt return by Antwaan....it's go time. Don't bother wishing me luck since it's been my god given talent that's gotten me this far.

7:10 - About an hour before gametime. I've got quite the strict routine before games I start - I just got out of the hot-tub, got my pre-game massage from two lucky Giants cheerleaders, I'll brush my teeth until about 7:45, listen to jock jams on my ipod until 7:55, down two shirley temples cause it gets the system going, then at about 8:05 I'll comb my hair one last time, toss two warmup passes, and i'm ready to go. I look forward to blogging y'all after my first drive when we'll be up 7-0.

Redskins vs. Giants Preview: Madden Style

2007-12-11T15:03:00.001-05:00

Hey all you TC admirers out there, it's the NFC Offensive Player of the Week here to give you a little preview of what might happen this weekend against my former Michigan roommate Amani Toomer and the New York Giants. It's amazing what love I've been getting on this blog and from the media just because the rest of the world has finally realized the power of TC that I've been preaching for the past year and a half on the blog. Looks like you loyal readers will have to move over since there are plenty of hop-a-longs on this TC bandwagon.

I figured that the most realistic predictor of what might happen was using Madden '08 for the PS3 to help me simulate the upcoming game against New York. Furthermore, I feel as though I can check out the defensive schemes the Giants might throw at me. TC, being both a scholar and an athlete, truly prides himself on extensive film study.

1st Quarter:

- The Giants come out of a large helmet, take the ball, and proceed to march 80 yards for a TD on the opening drive. The final blow was delivered on a 19 yard TD pass from Manning to Shockey. Yours truly answers back with a masterpiece that Bob Ross would be proud of. Three straight passing plays start off the drive, and a critical third down 22 yard rifle to Santana Moss puts us in range for a 2 yard Portis TD...7-7. A 10 yard strike to to Moss makes it 14-7 at the end of the first quarter.

2nd Quarter:

- Skins pouring it on. 28 yard TD by Clinton Portis. 24-20 at halftime, as the defenses are still out partying New York style.

3rd Quarter:

- This game is so intense that I had to put my helmet on while I sit here watching. 31-30 good guys headed to the 4th quarter

4th Quarter:

- TC to Cooley...again, 38-30. Ay-yi-yi, the Giants are making our defense look like we're playing the Pats and it's 38-36....eh, make that 44-38 after a Clinton fumble. Looks like its TC magic time in the 2 minute drill.

Wrap-Up:

- If there's anything that i've learned from this game, it's that Madden '08 is almost identical to the real thing. The realistic - TC puts up a 102.9 QB rating, 2 TDs, 0 INTs. The unrealistic - TC fails to complete a 2 minute drill resulting in a 44-38 Redskins loss.

To finish my preview, I would like to conclude that while TC had a big game, my teammates failed to pull their weight. Sorry folks, but there is only so much I can do. However, the interception-less streak will be alive and well and going on 11 years. Lastly, although we lost in the Madden '08 preview, I'd like to point out that the magic of my undefeated streak since 1997 will complete the drive and lead us to a 45-44 victory, most likely on a TC-sneak with no time left (as demonstrated above).

Well, I've studied the defense, drank a few pina coladas, burned some incense, listened to the Grateful Dead, eaten the entire 5-5-5 from Dominos and made myself a better QB in the process. Therefore, it's time I take off. Be sure to check out my live in-game updates from the sidelines this Sunday...

Todd Collins

#15

Wrapping up Week 14!

2007-12-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

Things are happening so fast around here, but I wanted to get some blogging done before I have to meet with Reebok, Powerade, Nutrisystem and Vermont Teddybear executives about some really grand endorsement deals.

It's been such a great afternoon as I've just woken up from my post-game slumber party with Chris Cooley and Smootalicious. After the game last night, I got a call from Cheesecake Factory president Max Byfuglin who told me that the Collins Suite would be open all night and that he had assembled his finest staff of waitresses, scantily clad bus-girls, a top shelf open bar, a nacho cheese fountain, a chocoalte fondue fountain, three hot-tubs, two ponys and one guitar hero arcade machine. It was quite the party, and we literally kept the place open all night. The Collins Suite comes fully equipped with a waterbed and velvet love seat, so TC, Smoot, Cooley and Coolio all crashed there for the night with some very special guests.

All that being said, this blog is mostly to thank Skinhead nation for your support of my starting QB job. When I won the job out of the the preseason, I really thought this move would be made sooner. However, patience is a virtue, and TC is a man of integrity and patience. I've sat and watched as my mentee Tom Brady has won superbowls and supermodels knowing that my day would soon come. So I'm sitting on the bench yesterday with my helmet on in order to protect my hair from the cold (as you saw in my post-game interview) when Gibbs walks over to me and says, "son, lead us." The rest is history.

I am now undefeated as a starting QB since 1997. The 144.6 QB rating that I'm sporting this season is second only to my legendary 156.9 rating in 2002. And most importantly, the interception streak is still alive at ten years. You saw me throw 54 yard bombs to Clinton, exhibit deft touch to Betts and make Yoder look like Cooley. I don't want to book my ticket for Hawaii just yet, but let's just say that my travel agent should be hearing from me sometime soon.

Ok, well I gotta get back to partying. No practice for TC since I've had Papa Al's playbook memorized for a good seven years.

Take Care and you'll be hearing from me early next week.

Todd Collins

#15

WEEK 14: VICTORY!

2007-12-06T23:33:00.000-05:00

Final Score: TC's Muchachos - 24
Griese's Gringos - 16

It was great to get a hug in after the game with my main man Brian Griese. But it was even greater leading you to victory tonight.

I'd love to stay and blog, but I must bask in the glory of my victory with post-game interviews....then it's hot-tub time.

Signing Off,

Todd Collins
#15

WEEK 14: LIVE IN GAME UPDATES! 24-13!

2007-12-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

4-4, 60 yards on that drive, big 3rd down conversions, and a TD. There's clutch, then there's Tom Brady and Todd Collins.

15/20, 224, 2 TDs. Is it any wonder that I am the most accurate QB in University of Michigan history?

WEEK 14: LIVE IN GAME UPDATES! 17-10

2007-12-06T22:42:00.000-05:00

Another drive and more points for the TC led Redskins. Suishim even makes some kicks when in my presence.

It was a good drive as I've proved that TC loves Cooley just as Jason does. It's a one score game which doesn't make me too confident given all I taught Griese at Michigan.

11/16, 164, 1TD, interception streak going strong on 10 years.

WEEK 14: LIVE IN GAME UPDATES! 14-3

2007-12-06T22:28:00.000-05:00

I can't do anything when my receivers don't hold onto the ball. I'm demanding a trade for Amani Toomer after this victory.

WEEK 14: LIVE IN GAME UPDATES! 14-0!

2007-12-06T22:07:00.001-05:00

Folks, as I lead this team to victory and TD drive after TD drive, you might be wondering where TC's been all this time. However, it's a good thing I've been resting this cannon for the past ten years so I can throw 54 yard bombs like that one.

5-6, 91 yards, 1 TD.

TC knows comebacks...

WEEK 14: LIVE IN GAME UPDATES! 7-0!

2007-12-06T21:44:00.000-05:00

Folks, the Collins/Yoder connection is offically back!

Just got back in the locker room and celebrated like only TC and Yoder know how...

I think it's safe to say I've dusted off the old right shoulder. 4 for 5, 37 yards, 1TD. Well it's halftime so I'm gonna down a few Shirley Temples and see you in the second half!

WEEK 14: LIVE IN GAME UPDATES!

2007-12-06T21:41:00.001-05:00

Ok, two drives into my season and the interception streak is still alive at ten years. Good to see the rust is...

DAMN, our ball again...be back

WEEK 14: LIVE IN GAME UPDATES!

2007-12-06T21:20:00.000-05:00

Hey all. Your starting QB TC here, writing to you from the Redskins sideline after my first meaningful play in about a decade. I'm excited to be in and will continue the updates after our possessions. I look forward to dominating the rest of this game. Ok...gotta run!

If you're keeping track....1 for 1 for 5 yards.

Entry #28: Good to be 5-3

2007-11-07T09:20:00.000-05:00

How's it hanging jabronis? TC here in the midst of his birthday week to bring you laughter, joy and good tidings from my Cheesecake Factory suite this afternoon. We had so much fun on Monday, that an executive decision was made to make TC-Mas a full week holiday. Therefore, I woke up in my Georgetown estate this morning, got carried to my bathtub/pool, cleaned, dried, dressed, and into my horse and carriage for my parade down Wisconsin Avenue. After waving to the dozens of fans that lined the streets, I was dropped off at my favorite CF. So here I am, being spoon fed my soup du jour, fork fed my Boston House Salad to celebrate my heritage, finger fed my edamame, and straw fed my Typhoon Punch.

First and most importantly, I want to thank you all for the birthday greetings, phone calls, emails, fan mail, and scantily clad photos. It means a lot to know how appreciated I am in the city of Washington as my free agency looms a few months away.

Secondly and even more importantly, I have an announcement to make. Your favorite blogger, quarterback, confidant, best friend, idol and part-time model, TC will be on Triple X Radio here in Washington DC with Bram Weinstein and Dexter Manley at 7:45pm, Friday Night, November 9th. We'll talk a little, laugh a little and cry a little so be sure to check it out as TC makes love to your ears. ESPN Triple X radio is 730 on your AM dial, but for those of you lucky enough to have FM, we're talking 94.3 or 92.7.

Ok, on to this past week's game. I got to New York a little early since the Giants had a bye week which meant I could hook up with my old roommate from Michigan, Amani Toomer. After a few wild nights in the Meat Packing District, I realized I needed some rest before the beginning of my birthday week. There's no reason for me to have been bruised and battered for my bday, especially when we're playing the 1-7 Jets, so Uncle Joe gave me the week off. It's hard to believe that none of our electrifying WRs has scored a TD this season, but I guess my presence is starting to be missed. After I hit Brandon Lloyd in the back of endzone during week 2 of the preseason, I was sure he was due for a magical year. Anyway, clearly something is wrong with our offense, and I'll be sure to analyze the tape as soon as my birthday week is over. On a positive note, fellow Wolverine David Harris had 24 tackles and was hitting everything in sight, so I was forced to wear a helmet on the sideline and protect my lovely wife Andrea.

So there you have it. I look forward to this week's game against the Andy Reid and the Philadelphia Eagles and speaking with you all directly this friday. Until next time, this is TC signing off.

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #27: Merry TC-Mas!

2007-11-05T14:59:00.000-05:00

Hey friends, TC here with a very special blog entry. It's hard to believe that it's been 36 glorious years since I dove out like Pete Rose, but here I am. I'm still in New York at my penthouse suite at the W Hotel, but Amani Toomer is coming over soon to kick off the festivities which begin here but conclude in DC after a party on my private jet. There's no need to leave the bed this morning as the Cheesecake Factory has sent 4 of their finest waitresses to personally serve me for the day. It's not even the afternoon yet and I'm on Birthday Cheesecake #3. Only 33 to go!

As you have previously read, TC is an American and world historian and scholar. With November 5th being so special, I thought I'd let you know what other glorious things have happened on this holy day.

First, there are many other famous people that I will certainly be celebrating with tonight. One of my favorite American actors and second favorite fried chicken chain restaurant founder, Roy Rogers was born this day in 1911. Wonderful musician, man, husband and father, Ike Turn er was born on the same day as yours truly in 1931. A personal favorite of mine because of his wonderful high harmonies, flawless mini 'fro, and ability to get famous without ever writing a song, Art Garfunkel was born in 1941. Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits was born in 1947. Mr. Noone holds a special place in my heart for it was his songs "Something Tells Me I'm Into Something Good" and "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter" that I enjoyed many special nights in my back seat with 11th grade bombshell Nicole Brown. God waited until 1952 before unleashing the brilliance that is Bill Walton, who is without a doubt the best Deadhead basketball player to have evvveeer played. Bryan Adams graced us on this day in 1959 and it was at the age of 10 where he got his first real six string in the Summer of '69 and fell in love with some chick on his mama's porch. Funny enough, rock n roller Ryan Adams also shares the same birthday in 1974. Other notables who did not quite do enough for me to make this list are - Jerry Stackhouse, Johnny Damon (who would have made the list had he not ditched my beloved Red Sox), Javy Lopez and Alexei Yashin.

November 5th is quite special because it was the day that my favorite President, James K. Polk was elected in 1844. If it weren't for Polk, you could kiss Texas, Oregon, California, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Colorado and Wyoming goodbye. What a visionary that man was. It was in 1872, that Susan B. Anthony defied the law and voted in an election for the first time. Ms. Anthony was fined $100, but it was her great act which is credited as the start of seeing women as a real person, rather than the 2/3 of a person they were considered before. FDR was elected for a third term in 1940, going the extra mile and working over-time just like TC.

There you have it ladies and gentleman. November 5th is a very special day. I'll be back in a few days with my weekly American Football update from the past week. But in the meantime, have a very special TC-Mas, and I hope you leave some milk and cookies for Collins Clause as he delivers your goodies tonight.

Todd Collins

#15

PS - Before I forget. Yours truly is gonna be on ESPN Triple X radio with Bram Weinstein this Friday night around 8pm. Make sure to tune in as TC grooves you with his soothing sounds.

Entry #26: Separated at Birth

2007-10-29T16:57:00.000-04:00

Todd Collins:............................Tom Brady:

Folks of Skinhead and Wolverine nations alike, it occurred to me while watching my Patriots take on my current employer that there are many similarities between TC and TB. As you have previously read, there is a "conflict of interest" in my playing a game against the Patriots due to being a local legend in Walpole, Foxboro and neighboring communities. Therefore, as per usual, I was in the locker room hot-tub dining on some Cheesecake Factory Baja Chicken Tacos during the 4th quarter listening to the announcers marvel over TB's hair.

As a junior at the University of Michigan, myself and Lloyd Carr boarded a jet plane for a recruiting trip to look at a young, immature and chisled bone structured Californian QB named Tom Brady. After watching Brady's Junipero Serra High School go down in flames during a West Catholic Athletic League contest against the Archbishop Mitty Monarchs, Lloyd was ready to call it a day. We walked into the Junipero Serra locker room to see a dejected TB head-in-hands. I convinced Lloyd to let me have some time alone with the young lad and see what kind of moxie and presence he had. I made my way to the young TB and noticed that his grooming and hair were still intact as if he were ready to go straight to the club after putting on a black button-down. Perfect grooming was a vintage TC move during my Michigan days and I am often credited with making helmet hair a thing of the past... I could see the potential in TB. So we both got into a towel and slipped into the hot-tub where we talked about life, local cheerleaders, grooming techniques and the latest men's fashion as zuba's and starter jackets were making their way out. It was this brief hot-tub, air drying, and eyebrow plucking experience that convinced me to offer him a scholarship on the spot to become the next great Michigan QB.

After watching the Pats this week, I went back to evaluate the ways in which TB has truly become a younger TC. I'd like to share with you some of our numerous similarities. First of all, many football americano historians have considered TB's 2007 season to be the best single season since my 2002 season with the Kansas City Chiefs. In that year, I completed 83% of my passes while having 0 INTs and a QB rating of 156.9, which slightly trumps TB's 74.2 competion percentatge, 2 INTs and 136.2 QB rating. You might have noticed that TB considers me a big brother after taking him under my tutolage at Michigan. In order to honor my legacy in Ann Arbor, TB chose to wear my previously retired #10 for the maize and blue...however, if you look closer at the side by side pictures, TB also uses my same ball grip, uses my hand-me-down towel, similarly cut pants, same sock length and shaves his legs before every game. If I didn't know Mr. Collins better I'd have to check his flight records to make sure he wasn't on a "business trip"t0 California nine months prior to August 3, 1977.

Speaking of Mr. and Mrs. Collins...I was able to bring Victoria home this week to get a review from the 'rents. Unfortunately, after an awkward dinner, I was forced to send her on the first bus out of Walpole when she insulted Mrs. Collins mashed potatoes. However, TC must move on and fall back on the support of my lovely wife Andrea.

Well, that's enough about TB + TC = Awesomeness. Let's move on to this past week's game...The Redskins lost by a lot of points. However, I was able to take plenty of notes for Papa Al and Uncle Joe concerning how to play the game of football, and I am confident that the right game plan will beat the Patriots when we meet them in the Super Bowl. However, since whatever TC doodles on his clipboard is top secret information, I can not share this information with my fellow bloggers at this present time. Many Skinheads feel that the Patriots ran up the score on the Redskins, but TC taught TB to take no prisoners when at the University of Michigan. In fact, every Friday night when at the UofM, TB would call yours truly and I would tell him to go "balls deep" all game...there's only one speed that us Wolverines know. So, therefore I would like to apologize for the score being 52-7 this week. Had I not been involved and the Patriots not run up the score, I'm sure it would have been a more respectable 45-7.

I loved my time back home in Walpole and Foxboro and it was good to get the royal treatment from the local mortals. I'm gonna miss Mrs. Collins' homemade feasts and Mr. Collins' bed-time stories, but I'll be happy to get back to my Georgetown estate, .10 cent wings and $1 beers. I'll talk to you all after we take on the terrific trio of David Harris, Victor Hobson, BJ Askew and the 3rd place Jets.

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #25: We are who they thought we were!

2007-10-24T15:54:00.000-04:00

Hey all you out there in TC’s blogosphere. It’s your blonde bombshell TC here with my weekly Redskins and all things interesting update. It’s an exciting week for yours truly as I get to come back to my home state of Massachusetts and the fine foliage of a New England autumn. Therefore, I took a flight early Monday morning to my hometown of Walpole, MA where I still hold legendary status. To exemplify my greatness to you new readers – as a senior at Walpole High School, I was named New England Football Player of the Year by the Boston Globe. You can probably guess that I might have been a great QB in high school, but it was my junior year in which I averaged 18 points and 10 rebounds a game on the hardwood and went 10-0 as a pitcher that caught the attention of many local cheerleaders and national scouts alike. I was able to cement my legacy when I coached this year’s Walpole Little League All-Stars all the way to Williamsport, PA for the Little League World Series. However, I was rather disappointed when those kids let me down on national TV. (See Blog Entry #19). Even though I am mildly upset that I will not be blogging at the Cheesecake Factory for a second straight week, I’m very excited to be sitting at the Red Wing Diner off of Route 1 eating some famous homemade grapenut pudding that I once snorted after losing a bet as a young Walpole lad.

Walpole is located a few miles from where my beloved New England Patriots play. As you can imagine, this year has been one to remember for all us Patriots fans due to the weekly spankings the Patriots have been handing out. I’ve been very good friends with Tom Brady ever since I helped lure him to Ann Arbor. Tommy has been calling me all week about going to different clubs and hot tub parties, and describing all these models and cute co-eds he’s lined up for us. However, this trip serves me another purpose. You might have remembered that I met someone from craigslist - Click Here. Tomorrow, I’m taking Victoria to meet Mr. and Mrs. Collins and get the thumbs up from the ‘rents.

Let’s recap this week. Your favorite team and my second favorite team beat Steve Breaston, Gabe Watson and the Cardinals in an ESPN Instant Classic by the score of 21-19. You might have noticed my absence from the field on Sunday, but my presence was surely felt in other ways. I tried to let Jason do this one on his own as I was in the locker room with Victoria trying to learn my new love’s ways. Jason remembered some of our lessons, such as completing at least 64% of your passes (yours truly holds the record for the best career completion percentage in Michigan history - 64.28%). However, the no touchdowns and one interception were enough to demonstrate that the training wasn’t over. So, we’re up 21-13 when Tim Rattay turned in a very TC-like efficient game, going 1-1 with a touchdown and a QB rating of 118.8. Unfortunately, that meant that we were only up two points. One thing most people don’t know is that NFL radios work just like the CB radios that truckers use, but on different channels with each team using its own custom password. I recently learned this when Trent Green gave me the Dolphins password (Shula1972) during Week 1 so that we could reminisce about our playing days in Kansas City. My assignment for this game from Joe was to hack the Cardinals password – but it had escaped me to this point, plus I was busy with V ictoria and ordering Chipotle in the 3rd quarter. Knowing our team was in dire need of a victory, I picked up the radio, tuned in to channel 19, and in a moment of divine intervention, I typed in “CrownEm” Next thing I know I hear Tim say, “coach, what’s the play?” Not knowing what I was calling, I said “Air Bud 81 Right.” Tim replies, “coach, we haven’t practiced this since I was signed two weeks ago,” to which I muttered quite sexily, “son, you will run this play.” So, anyway, the rest is history: Boldin takes the snap and creates a folly of confusion ending up in an interception to seal the game. Knowing my work was done and nothing exciting would follow (on the field that is), I took off for my Georgetown estate.

So there you have it – we're now 4-2 and in third place in the NFC East because Aman i Toomer is an absolute stud on and off the field. In other news, you might have heard Joe say the play-calling was up to par after our explosion of 160 total yards. After hearing the press conference, I called Joe for my weekly Monday morning strategy talk. "Joseph, we got to open it up a little bit more. We can't sit on the lead when we have stats to pad. How is Jason ever going to improve his Madden r anking in the weekly roster updates when he's only throwing 7 times in the second half? I need some deep bombs to Santana like in my preseason start so that I can dominate my online play." Taken back by my prolific words and my hitting the nail on the head of the problem, Joe was forced to concede. Joe's not a flip-flopper but he is also not as far right-wing as the playcalling in the second half. So even though I am a team player, I will take credit for being Joe's "hindsight."

Finally, Brian Griese and Tom Brady continued the strangle hold on the NFL QB position that Michigan quarterbacks have held. I’d like to think that I helped Brian with his 97 yard game winning drive that was clearled modeled after TC's preseason performance and our late night study sessions in Ann Arbor.

So there you have it Skinheads. I’m off to La Casa de Collins for a King’s feast with Victoria. I’ll catch you next week after the battle royal between my two favorite teams.

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #24 – Love Blossoms in Defeat

2007-10-16T18:03:00.000-04:00

Hola senoritas and those of you senoras into the swinging lifestyle, it’s your man TC here on a mission to brighten up your long work day with a high quality dose of blogging on the second of six consecutive off days. Unfortunately, I have not made it to the Cheesecake Factory yet, since I am still in bed with a certain lady friend…

The trip to Wisconsi n for the game against the Packers is always one of my favorites. Green Bay is a quaint little village filled with glorious history on and off the field. Most people know legendary Packers from Vince Lombardi to Brett Favre to.....the list goes on. However, many do not know that Green Bay was settled by Favre and the French-Canadians in 1634, making it the 13th oldest permanent settlement in the US, and that the surrounding Fox River was used as a military fort – TC is a scholar, an athlete, and a historian, so the rich tradition makes Green Bay a second home. Anyway, I must tell you that this year’s game was the favorite of my long and illustrious career. You might be saying, “Hey, TC, didn’t you notice that we lost and are now in third place?” Of course I noticed, however, the story surrounding the circumstances of our loss make this an easy pill to swallow.

The astute football fans that you are might have noticed that the Packers defeated TC’s Finest by a score of 17-14. It was a sloppy game due to the climate of Green Bay, which gets 2.17 inches of precipitation every October with an average high of 57.9 degrees. Now, a profe s sional QB must battle such circumstances and Jason-Son did a good job of this by putting his balls right where they needed to be. However, our receivers did not come through like they did in the preseason under my guidance. The most unfortunate receiver was Santana Moss, who I was forced to bench in the 4th quarter.

However, even in a loss, TC is a man of destiny. I was doing the usual during the game – mentoring JC, calling the offense, drinking Shirley Temples, ordering Panera, playing with Papa Al’s puppy and calling my bookie. Right about the time I would normally take off for my pre-4th quarter nap, I noticed a cute little brunette in the 4th row right above the Redskins sideline. Since I can usually bag the finest kitten in the litter, my taste is quite picky. However, this girl was an 8 by TC standards – meaning she was around the same level as Alessandra Ambrosio and about two levels above Gisele. This femme fatale kept staring at me, playing with her hair and trying to send me paper airplane notes which were caught in the cool Green Bay breeze. Usually, TC would know what to do in such circumstances, but I got so caught up in the excitement of Wolverine great Ch arles Woodson’s game winning TD, that I had post game partying on my mind. Unfortunately, I figured it wasn’t meant to be, and my gimlets were a little more sour on this night.

I got a call from A man i Toomer after his fine performance last night. I had told him my story of lost love, and he needed to tell me that he had come across a Craigslist posting that might be of some help. As soon as I opened the following post - Click Here - I was floored! She had remembered me from the game! Furthermore, she described my exact outfit. I responded and she said her name was Victoria, and that she had been anxiously awaiting me since Sunday. So, TC had a bit of a date last night – we got some half priced burgers and $3 pints at “Sign of the Whale” in Dupont, followed by all night salsa dancing at Citron. I then took her back to my Georgetown estate where we stayed up all night and talked like high school sweethearts. When I awoke, Victoria was smiling at me, wearing my authentic Buffal o Bills jersey from my rookie year, plus Andrea had made us chocolate chip pancakes and turkey bacon with a mimosa. I don’t know what is to become of all this, but you’ll be the first to hear.

I must also give a quick mention of the great Michigan Wolverine football that ensued this weekend. First of all, the Wolverines are back in the top 25 after beating the Purdue Boilermakers by a crap load. TC might be the straightest man alive, but I’ve still got a mancrush on Mike Hart – and that’s before I knew of such noble and global causes he is involved in. Moreover, the Wolverines in the NFL represented with much pride – Tom Brady, Charles Woodson, Braylon Edwards, Amani Toomer, Brian Griese and Tshimunga Biakabatuk a all had large weeks. I remember when I was at Michigan and helping with recruiting, Lloyd Carr, Gary Moeller and I took a trip to California to check up on a raw young QB named Tom Brady. As we boarded the plane back to Ann Arbor, Coach had written him off as a mid-major QB destined for a 9-5 office job. However, Tom reminded me of a younger TC that might grow up to greatness and a life of limited turnovers, winning championships and dating multiple supermodels. I convinced our staff to throw a scholarship his way as long as I personally tutored him upon his arrival. I knew that one day TB and TC would make a great pair.

Ok, well I fell in love, Michigan Wolverines did well, and the Redskins lost, but as I told Meatloaf, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Anyway, don’t fear Skinhead nations, we’ll bounce back next week.

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #23: Small, Medium, Large, XL, TC

2007-10-12T11:48:00.000-04:00

Hey devout fans, T-Cizzle here with a recap of what’s been going on since our last blogging experience. Sorry that it’s been a few weeks, but I was boarding my private jet waiting outside of Fed-Ex around halftime of our apparent loss to the Giants to take advantage of the bye week. I’m a little tired and jet lagged from my vacation, so I’ve decided to bypass going to the Cheesecake Factory, and have instead brought the CF to me. Andrea called for some carryout and ordered me the always delightful Ahi Carpaccio and Jamaican Black Pepper Shrimp. To make the experience all the better, Andrea is wearing her new authentic CF skirt from the 2007 catalog…and she’s never looked better.

I must say that the week leading up to the Giants game is always one of my favorite weeks of the year. Before my NFL success, I was an academic All-American at the Mike Hart University, throwing bombs and landing bombshells with my favorite receiver, Amani Toomer. Like myself, Amani has put together a long and fantastic career in the NFL. Although we have always dreamed of playing together again with Mercury Hayes to my left and Amani to my right, it just hasn’t been in the cards. Amani arrived Tuesday night, and we held a private hot tub party at the Collins household after picking up a few locals at McFaddens which is becoming a little too easy. On Wednesday we went to Lima on K St, cause Amani likes to keep it classy on Wednesdays…although I must say that with all the European flavor in there, a blonde hair, blue eyed New Englander can feel quite out of place. However, after a few Gimlets, I was able to loosen up a bit, and became a hot commodity, much like a brunette in Sweden. The rest of the week was full of classy debauchery all the way up to game time. Anyway, Papa Al and Joe know that TC does not play the week that Amani is in town, and with the half-time flight already scheduled, it made much more sense to start Jason.

There’s no need to even repeat this, but TC is a team player. Even so, there is no denying my impact on the 2007 Washington Redskins. I’ve tutored Jason from a raw, immature, annoying, diaper dependent, young QB into the fine young man and decent QB he is today. Furthermore, my preseason two-minute drill victories and 100+ QB rating set the tone for our 2-0 start this season. Therefore, I am willing to shoulder some of the blame for the loss to the Giants. In an attempt to take the training wheels off of Jason’s proverbial bike, I asked him “can you handle this second half on your own?” Jason nodded, and I was on my way to Honolulu, Hawaii for my first of two annual trips. With the game in hand to the tune of a 17-3 lead, I boarded a jet plane and waved goodbye to all my fans and fellow Redskins. As far as I was concerned, we were 3-0, and I was the QB of a first place team. Apparently, Jason’s wheels fell off, but I knew he’d be a better QB for it.

Amidst the snorkeling, sky diving, wind surfing, scuba diving, hang gliding, mountain climbing and strip twister, I received a call from a panicked Jason. “TC, I don’t know what to do without you on the sideline man. As soon as you’re not around I start throwing incompletions and turning the ball over, even though you preach against it...I just can’t help it” I knew that Jason saw me as a father figure and much like an adolescent, he was rebelling. When TC was a young lad, his father often told him not to take opposing team’s cheerleaders under the bleachers before games. I loved my father, but he often missed my games due to business trips. Before the state semi-finals one year, I gazed into the crowd searching for the missing eyes of my father and instead found a cheerleader from the Foxboro Foxes. Needless to say, I understood Jason rebelling against my leaving town so much by not protecting the ball and behaving sinfully. I told Jason that he was forgiven, and that he should fly to Hawaii for the second week of my vacation and I would indulge him in a most intensive quarterback training session. Jason couldn’t believe his ears, wept a little and quickly boarded my little used second private jet.

As soon as he arrived I put him on a strict diet, tight schedule, made him wax my car and paint my resort house. I shared with him the secrets of the quarterbacking world that I learned from Elvis Grbac and Trent Green but had yet to pass along to any man. I opened a whole new world of 3 step, 5 step and 7 step drops, check downs, running the option, game day grooming, pointing towards god, pre-game cuisine, post-game parties, and the list goes on. I took Jason back to the plane on Saturday morning and gave him the ultimate honor, a shiny gold TC t rophy for passing all his tests. I told him I’d see him Sunday and that I would arrive some time during the game in order to avoid a QB controversy…this game was all Jason’s.

The rest is Redskins history. Jason went 23 of 29 for 248, 2 TDs, 0 INTs and 0 fumbles. I also think I managed to inspire the defense in some way because we held the high octane Lions offense to just 3 points. What a great story and I’m proud of Jason-son.

In other football news, I wanted to acknowledge Brian Griese becoming the starting QB of the Bears. Griese was a very young lad when I was at the University of Michigan, but with late night sessions, I was able to mold him into a national championship QB. I must say though that Brian’s arrival might challenge our stranglehold as NFC favorites.

There you have it Skinheads. It’s been a relaxing and very proud two weeks. Anyway, my food’s getting cold and Andrea is ready to model the rest of the catalog. Take Care!

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #22: Two and Oh So Good!

2007-09-19T15:24:00.000-04:00

Man, so many things to talk about this week that I shant delay. I'm sitting here back in the now legendary Collins Suite of DC's finest Cheesecake Factory. Since I'm feeling quite celebatory this week I've decided to bring Andrea and the kids for good times and good eats. My Factori Pe ach Bellini is at a delightful temperature, my Grilled Skirt Steak is cooked to perfection and the kids are digging into their mountain of Nacho heaven...business as usual at the CF. So without further to do, on with the blog!

I'd like to once again apologize for having not played this Monday. However, I am hopeful that Skinhead Nation can forgive me based on the following story...

Saturday night I was up in Ann Arbor trying to reconnect ties with the UofM community. Lloyd Carr had given me a call and said that he's tried everything to fool our opponents, such as having pre-snap motions always go in the direction of the run in hopes that the other team would guess a misdirection play. However, it hadn't been paying off and Lloyd wanted me to personally give the team a pep talk along with long time buddy Russell Crowe. Anyway, Jimmy "The Emu" Clausen couldn't solve Michigan's stingy defense and we were victorious by a 38-0 score. After the game, Mike Hart, Mario Manningham and myself decided to hit up local football favorite bar, Touchdowns. Now, I'm talking to some lovely young Michigan coeds, when my phone rings... So I pick up the phone quite sexily when I see it's the President of ESPN, George Bodenheimer. Mr. Bodenheimer had called me before when ESPN was considering picking up a TC reality show to run against Hogan Knows Best, but I hadn't heard from him since. Mr. Bodenheimer explained to me that Monday Night Countown ratings were at an all-time low and that a dynamic change was needed. Apparently, Mr. Bodenheimer was so impressed by my class, speaking, physique and all around charm that he wanted yours truly to become the brand new host of Monday Night Countdown.

Now, all of my blog readers know that I've been trying to get into the acting business. I garnered some notoriety after a brief stint on a groundbreaking episode of "The Facts of Life" during which I played Tootie's love interest when we became the first sitcom ever to tackle interracial relationships. I bounced around Hollywood, most notibly landing the role Robbie Sinclair, the teenage son on ABC's "Dinosaurs", but then settled on my pro football career. The long hiatus ended when I was picked to play Raoul in a production of the Phantom of the Opera this summer as I only have ten years or so left in my professional football career. Anyways, after Mr. Bodenheimer's call, I phoned Joe and Papa Al and alerted them that I would not be attending the game against the Eagles on Monday due to the opportunity of a lifetime to host an ESPN show. They were not happy about this but they wished me luck and told me my services would be missed.

Mr. Bodenheimer had a private jet waiting for me inside Michigan Stadium and I quickly fly to Bristol to get ready for Monday's airing. After my introductory meeting with producers, Boomer, Coach Parcells and the rest of the "talent," we were ready to start shooting. I soon learned that being so blonde and good looking is a hex in the land of TV. The envy seeping from the pores of my co-hosts was evident from the first time I said "third and almost as long as TC." We all have learned from Magic Johnson and some of my co-hosts that the transition from athlete to TV personality is a challenge that not many have succeeded in. Not being very familiar with failure, yours truly lit up the stage in a masterful debut along the lines of "Good Times Bad Times" off of Led Zeppelin I, or Brad Pitt's role as an uncredited waiter in the 1987 classic "No Man's Land." Unfortunately, ESPN wasn't ready for what they are calling the "TC mania" and neither were my co-hosts. Furthermore, there was some serious tension when all my co-hosts picked the Eagles to defeat the Redskins (as exhibited at the top). Now, TC is a loyal man and will stand by his teammates through thick and thin, other than when they play the Patriots, but only because I grew up a Pats fan and have a thing for Tom Brady. I stood up, cajones on the line, and told my co-hosts - the Washington mother flippin' Redskins will be 2-0 by the end of the night - the rest is almost TV history. After filming, a very amicable decision was made to cut all my scenes which would keep the rest of the "talent" happy, but to pick up my reality show when I retire in 2017.

There you have it. And I beg of your forgiveness again for missing a second straight week. However, it was a career decision that has landed what will be a hit reality show in ten years, so I feel it is well worth it.

Wow, only one nacho left and it has my name on it...take care of each other Skins heads.

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #21: Undefeated!

2007-09-14T10:05:00.000-04:00

Good morning skinheads, TC here with his weekly update on the 2007 Washington Redskins football season. I’m just sitting here at the Cheesecake Factory in the King of Prussia Mall on my way over to Philly for our week 2 inter-division showdown against Jason Avant and the Eagles. Now, I’m sure you CF aficionados out there are well aware that the King of Prussia CF doesn’t open until 11am. Good point, but, fortunately enough, after heated contract negotiation with Mr. Snyder I convinced him to allow three CF waitresses from the Wisconsin Avenue location to accompany the Redskins to all road games. Mr. Snyder eventually gave in after two weeks of preseason magic from yours truly. Now TC can continue his fine dining and fine blogging no matter where he is on the lower 48 states. Since it is still breakfast time, I’m drinking a tall glass of Shirley Temple with an extra spike of grenadine, and chowing down an Asparagus, Portabella and Artichoke omelette. On with the blog!

Week 1 was quite the exciting opener to the 2007 NFL season. I know that I have previously reported my status as a possible starter on this team. Unfortunately, last week came with a lot of emotional baggage for TC, so Joe, Papa Al, and myself decided it would be better to give Jason a shot against the Dolphins. There’s a saying out there that all good things must pass – such as the relationship between Trent Green and myself. There are three people in this world responible for teaching me the tools necessary to running a high powered, unpredictable and efficient offense – Lloyd Carr, Papa Al and Trent Green. From 2001 through 2005, Trent groomed me into the QB I am today as I served as his back-up, personal assistant and best friend. As Trent reached the final stages of his Chiefs career and I became a free agent at the end of the 2006 season, I decided to sign with the Redskins knowing that Trent had given me the training to be a starting QB in the NFL. Trent told me thrilling stories of $1 beers at McFaddens, GTown undergrads at Rhinos, .10 cent wings at 51st State, trivia at Fado’s, and many other reasons why DC would be a snug fit for a New Englander in his prime. I followed Trent’s advice and passed his wisdom off to Papa Al, and the rest is Redskins history.

Needless to say I was excited to see my BFF Trent at the airport and as the jester I am, I picked him up from Ronald Reagan Airport with a limo driver’s outfit and a big sign that said “Mr. Green.” The limo ride back to my townhouse in Georgetown was filled with champagne, laughs and lots of memories. Much like when my good friend and fraternity brother Amani Toomer is in town, Trent and I spent an entire week catching up and partying like it was 2002 in Kansas City with beer funnels, keg stands, beautiful coeds, late night hot-tub parties, jumbo slices and post hot-tub twister.

I knew it would be bittersweet to win this week, and that’s why I specifically asked to be held out of the contest. Jason has clearly not yet learned from my tutelage and keeps throwing passes to the other team, to which I must say I am very disappointed. Also, I must point out my disappointment in U of M Tyler Ecker who apparently felt he didn’t need to show up, obviously hurt by the previous night’s game against Oregon. Now, as you know TC was upset too and debated not showing as I’ve done many a time, but for a rookie to do such things is strictly unacceptable. However, in the end, God was on TC’s side and it was very symbolic to see torch passed from Trent to myself when Suisham’s 40 yard kick went through the uprights on 1st down – something Joe’s been preaching in the off-season to keep other teams on their toes.

So there you have it, the Redskins are 1-0 and on pace to go undefeated. It’s a very festive time in DC for all and I can hardly wait for what adventures week 2 might hold in store.

Todd Collins

#15

P.S. – I miss you Trent

Entry #20: The Dawn of a New Season

2007-09-02T17:31:00.000-04:00

Hola Muchachas, after a brief period of technical difficulties due to envious TC haters, the blog is back!

Last night I took the liberty of celebrating the return of my blog, my incredibly successful preseason and being named the 2007 Washington Redskins starting QB...plus the undergrads are back in town so McFaddens seemed like the logical choice. After scouting the talent pool and getting the VIP treatment with my $1 beers, TC was off to bed.

Needless to say that when TC goes out, it tends to be a late night. Therefore, I'm taking a break from CF and am currently blogging in my king size water bed while Andrea cooks up some peach danishes and hash browns with an extra large mimosa.

You might have caught yourself saying "Hey, where's TC?!?" during week 4 against the 'Ville. But as astute football fans as most of you are, I'm sure you realize that it is often preseason tradition to rest your more important starters in preparation for the regular season. Clinton, Chris and myself took the time to acclimate ourselves with the fresh faces on the 2007 cheerleading squad. But have no fear, TC will be under center for the first snap against the Dolphins and my mentor Trent Green.

Let's recap the preseason, shall we? The 'Skins went 2-1 in games played by TC, including 1-0 when I start, and 0-1 in all others. I continued to refuse to throw interceptions which should be expected at this point, as well as put up a QB rating of 97.8. I led all 'Skins QBs in completions, attempts, completion percentage, TDs, least times sacked, game winning drives, passes to Yoder, shags in the hot-tub, post game Julia's Empanadas eaten, hula hoop revolutions as well as high score in guitar hero at Tyler Ecker's housewarming party, shiny blonde hair and New Englandness.

Being named starter in week 3 was particularly gratifying, and I knew that my ten years of hard work in practice had finally paid off. My off the charts numbers and game saving drives obviously caught the eye of many on the coaching staff and they rewarded me with a start against a very stingy Ravens D. We won the game of course, and that brings up TC's winning percentage as a starter to 100% during this decade.

I'd also like to take a quick moment to wish a bon voyage to Jordan Palmer (who clearly didn't take anything away from my tutelage as he threw an INT in his NFL debut), as well as note how excited I am that Chris Cooley and I get to be teammates for 7 more years! I don't know if I'll be up for the crazy hot-tub fun we've had over the past year forever, but we'll see how I'm feeling at the age of 42.

Well folks...my peach danishes are sitting in front of me so that's my cue. I look forward to pleasing you all with my athletic fortitude during the next 16 weeks. And as always, GO REDSKINS!

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #19: Ashamed!

2007-09-01T23:37:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon, TC here. I wanted to take a brief moment to publicly announce that from this day forward, TC is no longer a member of the Walpole, MA community nor the Michigan Wolverine community.

I'd like to start with Walpole. All of you know that I've put all that I can into the town of Walpole, whether it be by donating annually to the TC Foundation for Single Mothers, or winning High School state basketball titles by throwing in 18 a game. Over the past 12 months, I've volunteered my very precious time in getting the Walpole Little League All-Stars ready for the LLWS. It all seemed too good to be true when Michael Rando made a leaping catch against Ohio to make us 1-0. However, the lack of heart shown by these 12-year-old punks in the last two losses was unbareable to witness. I am utterly embarrassed that a town that I have graced can quickly forget the fundamantals of sports. TC prides himself on perfection, especially on national TV. These 12 year olds embarrassed a very tight community and should be ashamed of themselves for not living up to the hype that I've created.

Finally, the Michigan Wolverines: I don't care if Appalachian St. is "hot hot hot." The fact is that yours truly is an athlete and a scholar and I've never heard of this school, Boone, or the state of North Carolina, so that gives them three strikes. Plus, how can we lose to the school that Miss South Carolina attends! No TC led Michigan Wolverine team would have lost this game. Apparently neither Lloyd Carr, Chad Henne nor Shawn Crable is TC. It was an embarassing display of athletics at the University of Michigan.

You know, a few years ago Ben Harper asked me for some advice when he was a struggling singer/songwriter. I told him, "Ben, once in awhile when you love something, you're going to have to walk away." Now, it's time for TC to follow his own advice in this truly somber post. So there you have it...a wag of the finger to both Walpole and Michigan.

Now we can go on with the season since that is out of my system. Bring it on Fins! It's Business Time!!!

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #18: Walpole Goes National!

2007-08-18T09:56:00.000-04:00

This will be a quicky, but maybe my most proud blog since I stated my week 1 heroics.

I just wanted to ask Skinhead Nation and the millions of TC fans that span this country, Canada and Tijuana to support the Walpole Little League All-Stars in the LLWS on ESPN.

My status in Walpole is legendary. As a senior at Walpole High, I was named New England player of the year by the Boston Globe for my football prowess. As you all know, I led Walpole High to the state finals in basketball by averaging 18 points and 10 rebounds. It was after our semi-final victory against the Foxboro Foxes that the first of infinite hot-tub parties took place. What you might not know was that TC went 10-0 as a flamethrowing righty on the diamond, striking out the likes of Mikey Bambooso and Ritchie Ranconi.

Anyway, as usual, this blog is about more than TC. It's about my love and now the nation's love of Walpole. In case you missed it, Mike Rando made like a little offspring of TC and saved the day with a leaping catch at the wall with 2 outs in the bottom of the 6th to beat those little turds from Ohio. Anyways, I've been following every pitch with great pride, although it's hard to go to these little league games with my celebrity status. Let's just say mom's aren't so much watching the game.

Well friends, please keep the magic alive and support Walpole LL in 2007!

Todd Collins
#15

Entry #17: You're Welcome for the Victory

2007-08-15T21:25:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I like to only welcome the ladies to the blog, but this week I’m feeling so generous that I’ll welcome the gents and all those in-between kind as well. Football is back! And that makes TC feel like a young New Englander back on the Walpole fairgrounds. So, here I am at the ole’ C-Fact in the newly developed and ever expanding Collins Suite sandwiched between the Ripken boys. Since I’m working on my 8 pack abs and toned, muscular figure as football season approaches and beach season still has a little time left, I’m keeping it light today with a Shirley Temple and Fire Roasted Fresh Artichoke. Anyway, on with the blog!

Skinheads, to tell you the truth, I was supposed to have the week off. It’s been a little bit of a hectic time around the Collins household. With the job security at an all-time high as I enter my second year of many as a Redskin, and considering I’m just peaking in my mid 30’s, I’ve moved my lovely family into a floating mega mansion in the Potomac. Everyone knows TC loves the water, as well as big houses, so it’s a perfect combination. Still, I came to the game to give Jason and Palmer some pointers since they look up to my veteran presence…plus TC hasn’t had a good ole’ fashion post game party in the hot tub for some time.

But, let’s face it…how many of you seriously thought Papa Al and and Uncle Joe wouldn’t bring me in down 6 with 4 minutes left?? Sensing urgency for this all important first national TV appearance, I stepped out of the hot tub with about 7 minutes left in the game, threw on my jock strap, baby powder, gold bond, eye black and my ‘Skins gear. The rest was pre-season history…

Papa Al gave me the signal, took his head set off knowing I’d be calling my own plays, and just let the magic unfold. Obviously wanting to see if I’d been working on my game in the off-season, Joe decides to hook me up with the likes of the mysterious Burl Toler instead of the regular unit which was used to build up Jason’s confidence. Anyway, soon into my 2007 season the compliments were already flowing – as the announcer said, “this is the best the offense has looked all night,” well duh. So, 5 passes, 5 completions and a 113.3 QB rating later, it’s 7-6 Redskins. A job well done for TC, but to seal the deal I threw on the head set and called a few defensive plays and we’ve got a 14-6 victory. Pape Joe and Mr. Snyder the Limo Driver could hardly contain themselves.

Needless to say, lots of great athletes like A-Rod and Carlos Beltran take a year to adjust to big markets, and I’m well on my way to greatness in my second year.

Oh, and hot-tub party #1 was very satisfying.

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #16: Back in Action

2007-06-20T17:09:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile, but TC's back to give Skinhead nation an update on his whereabouts and other pressing issues. The Cheesecake Factory has once again opened its doors and debuted the brand news Todd Collins Suite, located between the Cal and Billy Ripken Suites. My suite comes equipped with a mini TV, blue ray player, PS3, CF 2007 swimsuit calendar, and a water cooler filled with Shirley Temple. So here I am, awaiting for my first Pineapple Pisco Sour of the season…ahhh, it's good to welcome in the new NFL season.

The draft was pretty exciting. There was a first round in which we got the Landrinator, then there were a whole bunch of rounds of not drafting anything, followed by the steal of the draft in the 7th round. Anyone else excited about fellow Michigan alum Tyler Ecker?? I am someone who prides himself on football IQ, and I feel like this should rub-off on young Tyler. In exchange for my IQ, I think I'll bump some singing lessons off the young Mormon lad. Imagine if I could learn to sing like I play QB, groom my hair, party in the hot tub or play a mean key-tar??? Ladies would flock more than they already do. Anyway, Ecker became a legend in Ann Arbor for his nice head of hair, Al Green-like voice, and two "what's the opposite of contributive?" plays. The first being against Ohio St.when instead of running out of bounds to allow one more play, he gained 2 more yards to end the game. Now, TC is all about personal statistics, but TC is also a team player and doesn't appreciate that selfishness in his tight ends. However, Ecker's legend grew in the Alamo Bowl when he had Michigan's fastest player next to him as he waddled down the sideline. As Tmac1Ravens9 from youtube says, "ok the guy that had the ball last is a dumbass." Anyway, welcome aboard Tyler.

There's been a whole bunch of QB moves that we've been making. Many of you might be wondering whether this is the end of the TC era? Let me clear things up: I had the privilege of being invited to play Raoul when Phantom of the Opera came to DC. Needless to say, I thrived –the crowd loved it, and I was a star. Now, this opened up many more acting opportunities for TC. I've since been invited to star in the new Geico Caveman series. By the time the draft rolled around, the Redskins weren't sure which career path I wanted to pursue. In fact, those rumors of TC being "cut" were nothing more then the Redskins thinking about allowing me to pursue my acting career. So knowing this, Papa Al and Uncle Joe decided to draft an insurance policy in Baby Carson Palmer. However, after much pleading and negotiations from the Skins, I decided to give my love of football one more year. With Brunell over the hill, and Campbell's lack of experience, I feel like this is the perfect year for me to finally get that starting job. I'm still not totally sold on the idea of playing football though since the contact kind of hurts, so we might hold on to Jordan or that Bramlet character for a bit. However, one thing I do know is that if I get some reps and snaps in preseason then it might be worth sticking around.

Now that mini-camp is over, Todd Collins has some extra time on his hands. Being a millionaire, as you well know, I have the opportunity to travel anywhere in the lower 48 states. You skinheads may be wondering to yourselves, "TC, why not use your great fortune to travel overseas to places like Rio de Janeiro?" While I have personally starred in the Carnivale parade many times in my life, as you get older you realize that personal responsibilities start to interfere with spur of the moment vacation plans. I must admit to all of my fans out there that I am currently restricted from leaving the country by the federal authorities. Now TC is first and foremost a patriot of this great nation, and would never want to steer the country in the wrong direction. I should also add that the Cheesecake Factory can only be found in the good old US of A. But back to my story...

A few weeks ago yours truly received a call from agent J ames Knorr regarding an investigation into Michael Vick's Celebrity Dog Kennel. About a year ago, Mikey needed some advice in starting the Vick Foundation. I guess he heard about all the community service that I did at Michigan, and wanted to give me a position on his board of directors. Being an active community participant and spiritual leader to tens of thousands around the world, I felt obliged to accept the position. Fellow board members Marcus Vick and James "Poo" Johnson welcomed my knowledge and intuition with open arms. They knew that if I could manage a foundation half as well as I could manage an offense that things would be looking up. After our first meeting in Surrey, Mikey was kind enough to show me what he called his "Celebrity Dog Kennel." I was really excited about the facilities he had down there, and I started to tell him about my Siberian Husky named "Mauler." Well, Vick's ears immediately perked up when he heard the name of my dog, and he asked if I'd be interested in leaving Mauler with the Kennel during away games. I always have trouble taking care of Mauler whenever I go out of town to help lead the Redskins to away game victories, so I was all for it. Little Marcus was also excited about Mauler, and took time out of his busy schedule with the Miami Dolphins to show me his pitbull "Stomper," who he said was named after one of his favorite football plays.

So anyway, Mauler went down to the Kennel for our first preseason game against the Bengals on August 13th. Still, something wasn't right. Even though TC hasn't thrown a real INT since 1997, I did have a "fake INT" (remember folks it's the preseason), and my instincts told me something was wrong. Don't forget these are the same instincts that helped lead the '96 Bills to the playoffs. Later that day Mikey calls me up telling me that Mauler had gotten into some fights at the kennel. He said that Mauler beat up over a dozen other dogs, and I guess his kennel lost a lot of money because of that. I don't know who he has working there but it sounds like they need some new staff. Mauler is nothing but a gentleman and a scholar, just like his owner, so I suspect that Mauler must have been assaulted by an unsupervised rabble of dogs, and he no doubt beat them back with the same intensity that TC shows on the gridiron. Anway, Mikey sent Mauler back with a note saying that he would "never take care of him again," along with a check for 2.1 million dollars, probably for all the pain and suffering that Mauler had experienced. After Mr. Knorr called me, I told him about the Celebrity Dog Kennel, and the next thing I knew the feds were in Surrey. I guess they are really cracking down on mismanaged kennels these days. They told me that I was a very important person to them, and I may be needed to speak at a grand something-or-other. Now, this isn't the first time TC has been a VIP, and it won't be the last, but my stature as a role model prevents me from accepting any titles such as the "Grand Todd Collins," so I told them I'd have to think about it.

Well skinheads, I think it's pretty clear that TC is becoming an expert at blogging, because this is my longest post yet. My Bang-Bang Chicken and Shrimp just came fresh off the grill, and if this evening goes as expected, that won't be the only thing going bang-bang.

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #15: Superbowl and Such

2007-02-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

Hey Collins-heads, it’s been a long train coming, but TC’s pulling into the station with his first off-season blog entry. On these cold, snowy, wintery afternoons, I tend to come to the Cheesecake Factory and order one Calypso Coffee with an extra shot of Malibu Rum, and then a round of good 'ol Dr. Jim’s Coffee, because TC loves Kahlua. Well since there is much to talk about, on with the blog!

The playoffs weren’t that exciting in TC’s household due to the absence of the Redskins. However, if you remember, I’ve adopted the New York Giants as my second team since my guys Amani Toomer and LaVar Arrington have been injured. The mood was quite festive for the playoff opener against the Eagles. I thought my arrival in time for the big day in Philly might be enough to put my adopted team over the top. Coughlin had to notice my thunder in practice the day before the big game, and I was told he desperately petitioned the NFL to officially adopt me for the playoffs given Eli’s struggles. However, Goodell and company must not have gotten the memo in time, so I was forced to the bench. It wasn’t so bad though since I got to party big time the night before the game. Being a frequent visitor to the Philly area, I took the liberty of bringing LaVar, Luke Petitgout and Carlos Emmons to the Aqua Lounge over on Girard Ave. The night seemed to be going well given TC’s unique ability to remember lady’s phone numbers – quite the successful bar trick. This is where the story thickens...

One of the many ladies I encountered on that evening looked like she came straight out of the Cheesecake Factory 2007 waitress pin-up calendar. With my glowing blonde hair, baby blue eyes, heavenly smile, and with the eye of the tiger, I made my way over to work the TC charm. Within two words and a wink I had her in my grasps. With five words she agrees to come back to the Philadelphia Four Seasons with LaVar, Luke, Carlos and I. Needless to say it was a fun night and I woke up the next morning in the hot tub. Before she leaves for the day she tells me her name is Lilly Reese and that her father is some big shot in the NFL, Jerry Reese or something. Anyway, it didn’t mean much to me. However, I’ll always have those memories of Lilly. Oh, and the Giants lost to the Eagles, but a great party is better than a great victory, although for some reason I am no longer allowed back with the Giants... But, that’s ok because I am confident I will be the leader of Skinhead nation in 2007.

The Superbowl was swell. Congrats to Cato June and Marlin Jackson for representing the University of Michigan with class and a respect for the game and mankind that we are taught from day one in Ann Arbor.

At the beginning of every year I book my annual ticket to the Hawaii for the Pro Bowl, figuring that the league will eventually pick up on my knack for not turning the ball over. However, I must admit that after being snubbed in 2002 with my 156.9 rating, I’m beginning to lose hope. Nevertheless, I like to keep the tradition alive. Everyone knows that the Pro Bowl is the ultimate in bragging rights. After a year of debating which league is better, we can finally get it all out on the field and put it to rest. I was happy to see Sean Taylor step up and send a message to the AFC by lighting up that shifty Running Back, Brian Moorman. I don’t know where I’ve been, but apparently Moorman is quite the back since he’s in Hawaii and came in 3^rd in the Pro Bowl Skills Challenge Line Dancing event - to which I was a guest judge.

Ok, Skinheads, hopefully this catches you up on my whereabouts. Hell, I think I’ll have to come back for another Dr. Jim’s Coffee and give you my break down on the NFL Draft and some possible off-season moves.

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #14: Week 16 Preview

2006-12-22T21:57:00.000-05:00

Hey there lonely strangers, it’s been a long day and I finally got a chance to sit down and let you know what would happen in week 16 if I were playing. It’s great to get off my feet and sit here at the Cheesecake Factory while munching on Firecracker Salmon Rolls and sipping on a Gin Rickey.

As I said, it’s been a long day. I woke up around 10 which usually means I’d have to rush to eat Andrea’s corn beef hash, down some OJ for my daily Vitamin C intake and run off to practice. However, since I won’t be joining the team in St. Louis, I was able to slowly enjoy the savory flavor of Andrea’s cooking. After a good few hours of eating and watching Cold Pizza, I was ready to take on my Friday.

The bulk of my day was spent sitting in front of my PlayStation 3 and simulating Week 16 on Madden 2007. Knowing these are quite scintillating, I thought I’d sit and watch so I can report on these for my first weekly preview. I simulated a game with Jason and a game with yours truly…here’s what happened:

Redskins v. Rams with Jason: This was quite the nail biter. Down 14-7 going into the 4^th, JC leads a nice drive down the field and hits Lloyd for a 29 yd TD pass to tie it up. Rams respond with bruising drive to take the lead 21-14 with 1:05 remaining. Time to work a little TC magic, unfortunately I’m helplessly watching on my futon. JC runs up the middle for 19 yards, gets up and spikes the ball. An inexcusable sack on 3rd and 5 sets up a 4^th and 11. Time for Al and Gibbs to call the most important play of the game. In a move that can only be explained by draft position, a handoff to Betts gets 10 yards...Game over. Jason completed a whopping 6 passes. However, one of the TDs went to Chris, so I’m sure we had a fun cyber hot tub afterwards.

Campbell: 6/13, 107 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT, 82.4 Rating, 3 sacks
Moss: 2 catches, 62 yds
Lloyd: 2, 38 yds, 1 TD
Cooley: 1, 1 yd, 1 TD

Redskins @ Rams with TC: I think Madden picked up on how disinterested I’ve been lately because I did not bring it. Knowing I’ve been demanding a trade to the Giants, I’m pretty sure Al was calling his “D” game from the sidelines. First pass of the game and the remarkable happens, Virtual TC throws a virtual interception – I have to question the "realistic" nature of this game. Anyway, I only finished about half before I ate too many Christmas cookies and fell asleep Al Bundy style.

Collins: 1/12, 12 yards, 3 INTs in one half.

But, if the Virtual TC is anything like the Real TC, yours truly, then he no doubt led the Skins to a dramatic comeback victory in the second half. Sorry Skinheads.

Todd Collins
#15

Entry #13: Apologetic

2006-12-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

Good day sunshines. Skinheads, let me take a minute to apologize for the three week absence from my diary. Tis’ the season and TC has been quite busy with holiday shopping among thousands of other adventures. So, I can’t share my entire few weeks worth of frolicking all into one blog, but let me give you a tasty treat, just like these Buffalo Blasts. Boy, I sure did miss the Cheesecake Factor y! However, I give my word that from now on this is a weekly blog, if not bi-weekly, just like a certain Philly QB. Also, be sure to look for my first annual “Game Preview” column tomorrow.

You might have noticed that Jason has been playing my position for the past few weeks. You might have also noticed that I haven’t had a snap. You might have also noticed that we are well into last place. Coincidence? TC is a team player, that’s fo’ sho’, but why did Papa Al bring me here if not to pull a Doug Williams? So, basically, I’ve given up on the season which is why I no longer attend games nor really watch them on TV. But I’ve been reading some box scores and making up highlights in my head…and I’m intrigued by a few things.

First of all, some player personnel I’ve noticed. What happened to Little Nicky Novak? All that man did was win us a game against the first place Cowboys. I guess he must have athletes foot or something because I haven’t read about him lately. In case you missed it we signed some kid named Suisham who sounds delicious. Anyway, he seems to be kicking pretty straight, but good luck in recovery Nick. Secondly, I’ve also noticed that Jason is neglecting Yoder, much to my chagrin. Moreover, Ladell Betts is quite the equivalent to Portis so I’d like to offer up a trade to the Giants – Clinton and myself for Ose Yumenyiora and Mathias Kiwanuka. It’s a fair trade. The Giants get TC to Amani Toomer throwing it around like it was 1993 in Ann Arbor plus a RB to replace Tiki, while Washington gets two guys whose names I can’t pronounce so I don’t want them as teammates.

From what I can gather, we lost two in a row to Atlanta and Philadelphia. Jeff Garcia is now playing QB for Philadelphia, which is quite fitting. Anyways, Jason decides that it’s acceptable to throw to the other team 4 times, well against my tutelage. However, it’s fine and we’re 4-9 – great draft position, perhaps a little Leon Hall or Alan Branch for some Wolverine love. What occurred next really tickled my torso. I don’t know about you, but I’ve fallen in love with the New Orleans Saints – America’s team. What a story that has become. So who decides to piss all over America’s wedding day??? Jason Campbell. Not only did he ruin our own draft position, but he might have also destroyed what would have been a great Disney movie starring silly Hobbit and McConoughey.

So what’s TC been up to? Well, my time away from football has been refreshing. A few things I’ve been doing. #1 – partying it up with Britney and Paris. Knowing that I wasn’t playing and Britney was now single, I figured I didn’t have anything to lose. #2 – PlayStation 3. #3 – Flying around the country to scout my fantasy football players for the playoffs in my keeper league. That’s been about it, but I can guarantee that the hot tub has been staying spicy.

That’s about it. Again, I apologize and I’m thinking about making it out to our next game if it’s in Washington. I haven’t checked the schedule yet but you’ll be sure to hear soon.

Todd Collins
#15

Entry #12: "The Source" Exclusive Confession

2006-11-28T23:15:00.000-05:00

First off, in an exclusive blog entry, I am here to tell you, that Todd Collins is “the source.” Now, I know some teammates might have a problem with me and think I alienated the defense as our problem and left Gregg Williams out to dry. First off, Gregg with 2 g’s, I’m only reporting the truth of how I see it and frankly I don’t like the way you spell your name and that in itself is arrogant enough. Toddd’s got a serious problem with arrogance. So, here I am, Senor Springs, saying it to your face via the internet: Todd Collins is nothing if not an honest man and when reporters ask me questions, I’ll answer them, even if that means in a dark parking lot.

I’m glad that is off my chest, and I don’t think there is any bad blood between TC and the teammates. Someone had to light a fire, and I did it as I often do. Needless to say, the defense responded. Greggggory and company shut down anything that Carolina tried to do. Delhomme to Smith was no more potent than a bottle of Jeter cologne, and Carolina struggled to move the ball all day. However, Jason didn’t listen to me and threw his first NFL interception. Normally I would be upset because I don’t throw interceptions, but I had to take a step back and realize that a young TC was also turnover prone and it wasn’t until wiser times that I figured out I just needed to avoid those – hence no INTs since 1997. Jason will soon learn this. The problem was that most of the passes were also hitting the ground and we had about 60 yards of passing up until the last magical play. You’ve all probably heard on SportsC enter or George Michael’s Sports Machine that Jason’s headset went dead on the 3rd and 8 TD to Cooley. Yes, this is true. However, let me tell you the whole story…

Jason gets in the huddle on a huge 3rd and 8 play, with the game slowly fading from our grasps. Big Al radios in a play, Jason looks at him wearily due to the inept passing game that Al had called all day, and in a move well beyond his years turned off his headset. Next thing I know, Jason looks me in the eye and we connect – he wants me to call the play. I take a quick look in the huddle, and it might have been the mixture of my chimichanga with extra spicy guacamole and painkillers, but I see Angels around Chris Cooley. Being a big Fox Family Channel fan, I knew that Angels on a sports field tend to lead to good things. I call Chris’ number and Jason gives me a silent nod. The rest is history…Angels bounced those guys off of Chris and led to the best post-game hot tub party this city has ever seen.

Ah, yes…it’s been an eventful week full of Skinheads, Sources, Angels and Yoders. I’m about done with this Shirley Temple and Godiva Cheesecake, plus Cindy is ready to go home. So, we’re 4-7, in last place, and hurt our draft status, but victory in the hot tub never tasted so good.

Todd Collins
#15Todd Collinstag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6878926821955145767.post-54258167927502891472006-11-20T18:11:00.000-08:002006-11-29T11:28:59.357-08:00

Entry #11: UGHHH!

2006-11-20T21:11:00.000-05:00

Good afternoon ladies, and even gentlemen this time. Well, there isn’t much to say about this weekend other than…ughhh! First of all, let me say, I didn’t get to make it to Tampa for the latest Redskins game, but took the time to watch almost 50% of the plays. TC is all about business today and quite c rabby, so I’m going to tell Cindy to rush order my Crispy Crab Wontons, treat myself to a Kobe Burger (I’m a millionaire) and get right to it.

First of all. I want to apologize again for not making it to Tampa this weekend. Let me tell you that it was very hard for me to turn down the offer from Coach Gibbs to start. This was not an easy decision for me, especially having a QB itch knowing the last time I started Yancy Thigpen had 1398 yards receiving and Karim Abdul-Jabba r led the league in TDs. However, TC is a man of his word and nothing but a trustworthy man, therefore I had to be in Columbus. So let me give Skinhead nation a breakdown of what I thought was a classic NFL game.

Let me just say that I was impressed that Jason was able to soak up my knowledge and tutelage quite well. The first thing I noticed was that Jason did not throw an interception. Being a father figure of a different skin tone, I was proud that he was following in my footsteps. If Jason manages not to throw an interception until the year 2015, then I’ll know he’s really been paying attention to our late night sessions. Remember, I haven’t turned the ball over since 1997! Apart from Jason, I was most impressed with my guy Nick Novak again. Man, where did we get this guy? His kicks look that much prettier on Coach Carr’s Hi-Def TV. So, it’s 3-0 right away and I’m smelling the victory from across the country. However, some kid I never heard of was playing QB for Tampa and wasn’t going to be outdone, so before I can change the channel back from watching World Poker Tour on ESPN 2, the score was tied 3-3. The second quarter was the most exciting. As you know, I got the chance to hang out with Derek Jeter all weekend in Columbus, and we bonded pretty nicely. Anyway, Coach Carr let me watch the game from his room, so I told Derek to come over and he brought his new fling, Jessica Biel. Knowing that I was a big 7^th Heaven fan, Jessica told co-star Rachel Blanchard to tagalong. Maybe it was that I was wearing my sample of “Derek Jeter: Driven” cologne, or perhaps it my noticeably white teeth and silky blonde hair, but Rachel and I hit it off. Next thing I know, Derek, Jessica, Rachel and myself are in Coach Carr’s hot-tub sipping on a few morning mimosas and getting to know one another. Thinking things couldn’t get better, in walks co-star Beverley Mitchell wearing a velvet robe. You wouldn’t guess this from watching an Episode of 7^th Heaven, but Ms. Mitchell is quite the firecracker. Needless to say, but I wasn’t able to watch the second or third quarters.

So, by the time I get back to Coach Carr’s flatscreen, it’s a tie game at 10 in the 4^th quarter. I was so happy that Jason learned from me and threw a TD pass to Chris Cooley. I knew Chris would be jealous of my hot-tub extravaganza with the cast of 7^th Heaven, but I figured he would have some fun with his cheerleaders after the game. The tie didn’t last long and soon enough we’re down 10 – thanks Ladell. At this point I figured we’d lose, but Jason has only 70% of TC magic in him and made up 7 of the 10 points. Anyways, we’re now 3-7, but there were lots of positives from the game – Jason’s performance, Rachel + Beverley = crazy fun, Chris scoring a TD, Nick Novak, and we learned that there is some guy named Todd Yoder on our team.

In all seriousness for a second and as a Michigan alum, I just want to say thank you to Bo Schembechler for his contribution to the University of Michigan football program and making this rivalry what it is today. The timing of his death is crazy, but I’m sure he would have been proud of the effort I put forth in my playcalling Saturday. As someone who was recruited by Bo and was a legacy on the field while Bo was athletic director, I had the time to get to know Bo quite well and even shared a few late night victory cigars in his office. RIP Bo.

I don’t want to speak too much about the Michigan game because it hurts. I gave up my starting QB job in order to try to inspire the Wolverines to win. One thing is for certain: the 10 minutes I spent rubbing Chad Henne’s arm before the game paid off. He led our team to 39 points. However, I’m worried it was too good because he overthrew a wide open Super Mario Manningham by about 10 yards which would have given us the 14-7…plus he hasn’t stopped calling me since. However, we were still in the game late into the 4^th quarter until a bad three & out, plus Shawn Crable deciding to wait until the end of the game to hurt Troy Smith, plus Rivas’ onside kick being quite un-Novak-like. The good news for Michigan is that Todd Collins did not play QB for USC, Florida or Arkansas, so that’ll probably give Michigan enough strength in the alumni portion of the computer polls to warrant a rematch.

I hope you enjoyed the story of my weekend and it’s too bad that I wasn’t able to help Skinheads wake up to a 4-6 Monday morning. Well what do you know, Jessica, Rachel and Beverley just arrived (no sign of Derek). Guess I’ll be ordering 4 cheesecakes tonight!

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #10: Off to Columbus!

2006-11-16T11:53:00.000-05:00

I just want to take a second to thank you all for your fan mail and support wishing me good luck in Columbus this weekend. I’ve been scouting the Ohio State defense and believe there are some weaknesses that I can expose. I’ll be on the sidelines calling the plays and relaying my expertise to Chad Henne and the Michigan offense. No word if Coach Carr wants me calling the plays on defense too, but I’m sure you’ll find out soon.

I’m going to get a head start and go to Ann Arbor first so that I can visit the old dormitory and mingle with the tri-delta's I used to party with. I’ll be sure to make late night stops at a few local Jimmy John’s, Cottage Inn, the Pizza House and Big Ten Burrito after partying for hours at Rick’s and the Jug. From there it’s off to Columbus via my private jet that Michigan gave me in 1994. I’m taking Michigan alums and nearly alums Jalen Rose, Derek Jeter and James Earl Jones. No call back from Madonna yet. There’s going to be a lot of Michigan love in the house.

With so many great heroes, why do they look up to Todd Collins so much at the University of Michigan? Here’s the answer:

College records

I finished my collegiate career at Michigan with the best career (64.3%) and single-season (65.3% in ’93) completion percentages in school history. Jim Harbaugh who???

TC is third in career completions, attempts and yardage, while owning the school’s second and third-best seasonal yardage marks (2,518 in ’94 and 2,509 in ’93).

TC is third on school charts in career rating with a 145.0 mark. However, the 145 pound fish I caught out in Pasadena has yet to be matched.

Produced 14 games in which I registered 200+ passing yards - yet to be matched. Suck on that Tom Brady.

My 2.81 INT percentage remains the second-lowest in team history. Todd Collins values ball possession.

I own a Wolverine mark for average yards per play (7.04) and am second on the school’s charts for yards passing per game at 158.32. Man I'm good.

If you’re looking for a prediction, I’ll say Michigan 27, OSU 24 if I don’t call the plays on defense. If I do call the plays, 34-13 Michigan. You’ll know by the outcome.

So wish me well Skinheads and look for me on the sideline. Sorry again for declining the invitation to be your starting QB. But TC is a team player and I wish Jason the best of luck as he fills in for me this weekend. So good luck and I’m going to finish off this order of Potato Skins that I’m eating in your honor.

I’ll be sure to bring my fanny pack, digital camera and have some great stories to tell.

Good Luck!

Todd Collins

# 15

Entry #9: Excitement Brewing

2006-11-14T23:50:00.000-05:00

In honor of this blog entry's title, I decided to change it up from the Cheesecake Factory and am currently sitting in the Brickskeller drinking a few brews and scouring down a cheeseboard platter. The atmosphere is less friendly right now but I’m waiting for the college crowd to come in.

So, TC, the Redskins are 3-6, practically out of the playoffs, why are you excited? Maybe that’s because I was named starting QB for the Washington Redskins!!!

Wait…Isn’t Jasmine starting in Tampa this week? That’s true, but it’s a long story and I’ve got some updating to do, so make sure to read on.

Week 8 was a bye week so I went to my Walpole High School class of 1989 reunion where it was great to see so many familiar faces. And as the family man I am, I decided to break away from the norm of hot tubs and the city lifestyle and simply break away and hit the slopes in Vail with Andrea and the family. It’s hard to get away when you’ve had my kind of success, but Vail offered seclusion and a chance for me to try snowboarding for the first time…man, what fun!

Week 9 was an “instant classic” that I’ll be sure to watch one day. It’s getting cold in DC so I had decided to move up the post-game hot tub to a during-the-game hot tub. It was a good decision, and with a two-at-a-time cheerleader rotation going, it still worked. I was glad to have my ST cooler indoors with me. Facing a tough Dallas team, with our backs against the wall and Marcy as our QB, we still were able to pull a victory out thanks to Nick Novak. I’ll tell you, that kid is some kicker. I came out to watch the last few seconds of the game after the roaring from you Skinheads kept me awake. I see Dallas has the ball with a few seconds to go. I figure we’re going to overtime so I’ll grab a hot coco and head back to the bench. But Adam gets beat long and sets up Dallas for a victory, but no! A block and a penalty later and we’re in field goal range. I don’t know why Coach Gibbs put in Novak instead of Hall, but it paid off and we’ve got one hell of a kicker and a victory. We really rallied for this victory and of course the post game celebration was a blast since Chris scored a TD. I returned the favor and brought Terry out into Adams Morgan that night where we danced salsa and La Habana Village until the early hours of the morning. TC is a modest man, but, as many ladies can inform you, I’ve got the rhythm of a human metronome.

Week 10 was by FAR the most exciting week of the season for yours truly. Yea, the game was kind of a rout and we proved that we aren’t that good of a team, but what occurred in the later stages of the game and after are truly remarkable. Let me first say that Todd Collins is a Wolverine first and will always be loyal to Coach Carr and the maize and blue. It has been known for weeks that I would be in Columbus, Ohio and on the sidelines for the Michigan/Ohio St. game. Therefore, I’ve talked to Coach Gibbs and Papa Al and let them know that I will not be attending the game in Tampa due to a prior conflict. Coach Carr truly believes that my inspiration can propel them past the Buckeyes, and I don’t disagree – it is my pleasure to motivate fellow scholar-athletes. But back to the Eagles game. We’re losing because Marcy can’t throw and our defense can’t defend, but then it happened…a voice in the distance calls “Collins, you’re up.” Now, I had been prepared for this so I studied the Eagles all week and made sure not to order Manny & Olga’s to the sidelines on this particular day. There’s 9:03 left in the fourth quarter and I have visions of the time Trent Green ate too many jalapeno poppers in KC. Well, Marcy…you’re benched (for the 5^th time this year) and TC, it’s your team. I was throwing bullets on the sideline and smelled the endzone already. However, it’s pretty obvious to me that Marcy was paying our defense to consistently let up first downs and drain the last 9 minutes of the game. I never got in but it couldn’t hold me down.

Not long after the game, Coach Gibbs addressed the team and alerted them that I would be starting in Tampa next week. Imagine that, my hard work, practice, flawless grooming and witty charm had paid off and I was the starting QB for the 2006 Redskins! I told Coach to give me a few minutes to check my planner and I’d get back to him. Realizing that I had given my word to the University of Michigan and thinking back on the tens of thousands of dollars I received at Michigan, I had to decline the invitation to be your starting QB. Sorry Skinheads, but Jason is going to take my place for a week or two depending on the Michigan game, but don't worry, he's been learning a lot from me. Coach Gibbs and Big Al have tried to convince me to change my mind but my word is worth gold. However, I must admit they that they give a hard sell - they are impressed by my many tools as a NFL QB – laser arm, pocket presence, colgate smile, scrambling ability and must have finally realized that I don’t throw INTs and routinely put up a QB rating of over 100.

So there you have it, I am the starting QB, finally #1 on the depth chart and Marcy is down to number 3. I’m so glad I stuck it out as #1b. What do you know, my check is here…"this one’s on the house" says Cindy, it’s good to be me.

Your Starting QB,

Todd Collins

# 15

Entry #8: .2857142857

2006-10-24T22:39:00.000-04:00

Well Skinheads, it’s sad but true, but your Washington football team has now lost three games in a row. As I sat here with a Mai Tai in my left hand and my #2 pencil in my right, I worked out the long division to many decimal points and have determined that our winning percentage is now .2857142857. Why go beyond two decimal points? As Coach Murphy taught me at Walpole High, go beyond expectations, and TC feels that most settle for two. Scholarly??? I thought so.

Well, we’ve lost three games in a row. That’s the bad news. The good news is that I’m getting quite accustomed to my seat on the bench and worked it out with the rest of the team to have dibs every home game. So, I’ve ordered my own personal large misty fan for my seat and an espresso machine. Against Jacksonville I created an online account with Manny & Olga’s and ordered an Italian Sub during the 3^rd quarter, which was delivered straight to my chair on the sidelines. I’m becoming a regular in this city already.

Let’s recap: Week 5, we get walloped by the Giants and Mark decides to put on his skirt and reveal Marcy once again. Apart from a great 42 yard drive in which she contributed 17 yards, Marcy led our offense to 0 points and barely threw for over 100 yards. I might have complained to Papa Al, who actually asked me to get ready about 5 times, but I enjoyed the New York nightlife a little too much to feel like warming up anyway. Amani Toomer and I developed a strong connection on the field at the Big House in Ann Arbor and off the field at local bars such as Touchdowns and Scorekeepers, where they called us White Lightning and Black Shadow. Our code names were definitely in effect as we took to Manhattan for our post game celebrations after sharing the hot tub with some special friends.

Week 6 featured our most surprising, but far from only, loss of the season thus far. I decided to call Cindy from The Friendship Heights Cheesecake Factory and she personally delivered a Pesto Chicken Pizza and a Blackened Chicken Sandwich for me to share with Jason on my personal bench seat, figuring Marcy had this one in the bag. I also asked our equipment manager, Brad Berlin, to put in a water cooler consisting of ST’s just for me. I had so many laughs with Jason that I hardly knew what was happening until Coach Gibbs gave quite the halftime speech and I realized we were only up one. Cool under pressure as always, I didn’t sweat it and remained collected even though the Pesto was heavy in the stomach. Next thing I know we’re losing and Papa Al wants me warming up again, but I told him it wasn’t going to happen today and if he wants me saving this team like in the preseason he better switch me to #1a on the depth chart. Well, this one stung a little bit because I expected to celebrate a victory that night so I didn’t do much partying and simply brought the three girls into the hot tub with Chris and I. Tough week, and I shoulder none of this defeat.

Week 7 I didn’t expect to win so I’m not that disappointed by the result and I was glad for fellow Michigan alums Marlin and Cato. Chris scored a touchdown today so I’m sure we’ll celebrate that once we get back to DC. Other than that I didn’t warm up at all, and we’re now 2-5 and looking at a lottery pick which is kind of exciting because I’ve kept friendly with the Michigan program and know guys like Alan Branch and Leon Hall look up to me for guidance. Well, I’ll accept some of this loss, being a team player and all, and Mark played decently, probably since he is looking over his shoulder and seeing me.

Ok folks, that’s a quick recap of the football action. Stay strong Skinheads, just like this mai tai.

Todd Collins

# 15

Entry #7: An even .500

2006-10-02T16:44:00.000-04:00

So, although the bitter taste is still in my mouth it’s at least covered by this Crispy Beef Sandwich as we’re now 2-2. Back in the playoff hunt at least, but I’m still not seeing the kind of time I deserve.

Well in week 3 we beat up on the worst team in the NFL from last year, congrats on your record Marcy, no way TC could have thrown screen pass all day and beat the Texans. So a nice 31-15 win. The bigger news was that I was able to spend the week in Texas with Terry and the cheerleaders. About midweek we switched from Dallas girls to Houston girls and on Saturday night we traded them for University of Texas girls when we went down to watch the Longhorns take on Iowa State. Well, it was a good week and I can’t complain because I am a team player and we won, so I’ll take about 1.8% of the credit since there are something like 53 players on a team and I am one of them, however, I don’t have a calculator and that is my scholarly guess. A great week in Texas, a good victory, and I was ready to head back home to Andrea and The Cheesecake Factory.

Man was week 4 exciting. Knowing we had a W under our belt, the Skinhead nation came out ready to go and saluted us home. I think we were pumped for this one and Mark showed up to play QB instead of his alter-ego. However, for those of you who were there and those of you who watched, you noticed something. Mark got a little banged up in the third quarter and I noticed the FOX cameras showing me warm up on the sidelines. Although I didn’t want to cover up my well groomed hair, I wanted to show the world I was ready to go so I strapped on my helmet and gave a good exhibition on the sidelines, I’m pretty sure you’ll see it on the 2am Sportscenter. I was excited to make my regular season debut, and I had already replaced Marcy four times in the preseason. The blood was rushing just like in the 1992 Michigan/Wisconsin game when Elvis Grbac’s turf toe allowed me to warm up in front of an entire section of Chi-O’s. That night turned out well. So, Mark comes back, we win in overtime, I rush the field, and we’re 2-2. It’s a great feeling, and I’m going to take 5% of the victory due to my warming up and the extra motivation it probably gave Mark to go back out there. Good victory gents.

So, yes we’re 2-2 and in great shape. The positive energy seems to be circulating this entire city. I can’t go anywhere without someone noticing me for my football playing rather than my sparkly white teeth, designer suits and perfect hair. It’s become quite embarrassing for Andrea and I since we can’t go out of our mansion without getting mobbed. It’s a good feeling, but makes my time here at The Cheesecake Factory pretty tiresome. In fact, I’m sitting here with a Groucho Marx type mustache and glasses and top hat just so I can enjoy my latte and Oreo cheesecake. It’s quite a challenge to eat but I can think of no other place I rather be blogging you.

Todd Collins
# 15

Entry #6: The Season Begins

2006-09-20T21:36:00.000-04:00

Is this why I came to Washington? I mean, I know I’m a political science major and enjoy a good sightseeing tour on Friday’s, but come on Gibbs, did you watch those two poor excuses for a QB during the preseason? I gave you my projected stats over a full season, and you threw it in my face. It’s a good thing Cindy put extra grenadine in my ST today, and this Honey-Maple Pork Tenderloin is soothing my soul, or else this could be a fierce post.

Breathe….Breathe….Breathe…

Did Marcy Brunell ever post a rating of 156.9??? Heck, did he ever even reach 92??? I don’t think so. Did you know that Marcy has thrown 72 INTs since my last one?!?!?! I stand tough in the pocket throwing TDs to Buck Ortega and Jimmy Farris and Marcy can’t hit Santana, Antwaan or Peppermint Patty.

Breathe…Breathe….Breathe…

Ok, sorry Skinheads, but it still stings, thankfully Papa Al has been helping me get through this.

Time for the football update. Week 1 – we lost to a team that didn’t make the playoffs last year and Marcy threw for no scores….big 51 yard drive for a field goal, way to go. Week 2 – another team that didn’t make the playoffs wallops us as if we were Braintree High School trying to come into Walpole and compete with the Rebels. This time Marcy throws for an INT and again, no scores. Great we’re 0-2 and Rock Cartwright can provide our only “offense.” You know what though? I’m still confident. In 1996, I beat out Alex Van Pelt and Billy Joe Tolliver for the starting job with the Buffalo Bills, overmatched six names to two, I became the starter for the season and the next year started my interception streak.

Well, after the Minnesota debacle on Monday Night Football, Chris and I decided to accept the invitation from “Dirty Viking” and headed out to the Georgetown Waterfront where we got onto a highly lucrative yacht which shall go unnamed. Chris brought some other cheerleader friends who he had become friendly with from past hot tub bonding and I gathered up my three girls, Rachel, Alexandra and Katie and we boarded. “Captain Smut” who was fairly familiar with the DC area and the waters of the Potomac, greeted us and showed us to the hot tub and open bar. I wore an extra spiffy suit to this after party, tailor made for me when I became friends with a young LBC click featuring Snoop Dogg and Dre’ during the 1992 Rose Bowl in Pasadena when I helped write “Nothin’ but a G Thang” about then Michigan starting QB, Elvis Grbac. Little did I know that the no bathing suits in the hot tub policy would quickly send me down below my skivvies. Chris felt a little uncomfortable with this, given present company such as “Smut,” but TC has nothing to fear in that department. So, I don’t remember much after that, but clearly the Week 1 after party was better than the game.

Week 2’s party was a little less eventful as we were in Dallas and not the friendly confines of Washington DC. I’m still good friends with Terry Glenn from our playing days at Michigan and OSU so he introduced me to some famous Cowboy cheerleaders. Terry knows how to party and we caught up on old times from our hotel room beds after hitting up a local Max & Erma’s (Terry’s choice). I almost forgot, I ran into a bunch of people who called themselves Skinheads while in a late night eatery down here. Apparently they shave their heads in support of our team and I was sorry to let them down by losing, but they seemed to like my blonde hair and blue eyes.

Ok, sorry about my anger today, but I should get going. Great pork tenderloin and a lovely wife waiting at home. Ok, enjoy your nights.

Todd Collins
# 15

Entry #5: Is there a better preseason QB?

2006-09-04T16:16:00.000-04:00

Good evening ladies. TC here and let me tell you that I am uber excited for this blog. So I’m treating myself to a King’s feast here at the CF…2 STs, a Banana Banshee, Singapore Sling, Tex-Mex Eggrolls, Hawaiian Pizza, Thai Chicken Pasta and a tiramisu cheesecake. After all, don’t I deserve it?

A: Week 4 of the preseason. Q: Why is Todd Collins so festive? That’s correct! For all you that missed it, here’s a recap. We strapped on our boots, put on our uniforms, and were greeted vigorously by about 60,000 skinheads cheering us on. As you remember, Coach Gibbs gave me week 3 off, other than one completion, so that I can soak in my homecoming. I’ve been playing very well recently, so Papa Al wanted me to get the majority of snaps in this week’s game. After all, I’m still fighting for the starting job and I felt this was a large message being sent to Marcy and Jasmine, especially with local media wanting me to have the job. So Marcy gets the first quarter and as usual, we don’t score. Does anyone else realize that we haven’t scored a point all preseason with him in there? Jasmine comes in for the second quarter, 3 points. Thanks ladies, leave me with the backups, down 14-3 and let me try to make another comeback. The numbers speak for themselves…one half, 13 for 22, 201 yards, 1 TD and of course, no interceptions. Let’s be scholarly for a second and average that over a full game…26 for 44, 402 yards, 2 TDs, and still no interceptions. Now stick with me, let’s multiply that by 16…416 for 704 for a 60% completion percentage, 6,432 yards, 32 TDs, and still 0 INT’s – folks has that ever been done? Ok, so I’m pretty happy about week 4 and think I might be #1a on the depth chart soon. And even though I am a team player, I am far too much of a scholar to take any blame for this loss.

Looking ahead, we’ve got a home game against Minnesota in week 1 and I’m looking forward to getting in there and improving on my preseason. I got an anonymous call from “Dirty Viking” inviting me on his boat after our game so I’m going to talk to Chris Cooley, Rachel, Alexandra and Katie about joining them for some cocktails. I’ll let you know how it goes next week.

I’ve enjoyed this blog because it’s been a good week and a good meal. I think I’ll even pay here and go home to Andrea tonight. Have a good night.

Todd Collins
#15

Entry #4: More TC preseason success

2006-08-21T21:50:00.000-04:00

Whoa. It’s been a long day here in Washington and my chicken fingers came out a little cold so let’s get right to it.

As Skinheads know from previous postings, Todd Collins is a scholar. Academic All-American, proficient in Pan Flutes, fluent in 6 languages, accidentally writing “Tubthumping” while getting drunk in a bar with Danbert Nobacon from Chumbawamba, ability to recite all states in alphabetical order in under 30 seconds…and the list goes on. DC seemed like such a natural fit for this diversified political science major from Massachusetts. However, due to the busy schedule of an NFL QB, I haven’t had the time to usurp all that DC has to offer. Blessed with an off day, I had an opportunity to strap on my fanny pack, grab my digital camera and wander this great city. There were plenty of highlights, and some lowlights that maybe I’ll get through the course of the year.

Ok, back to on the field action. We’ve played two games since we last blogged one another. After leading us to 3 points in week 1, I was ready to show the home crowd that I was ready to do more. First of all, what a rush it was to run out in front of the home crowd for the first time and being saluted by thousands upon thousands of Skinheads. I just know this is going to be an exciting year. After falling behind 27-7, Coach Gibbs and Saunders had enough of our inept offense lead by those other two – combined 9 for 19 with an interception, and another week of benching was in-store. After the Jets scored points 21 through 27, Papa Al came to me and said, “Todd, you got some magic in you today?” So I was ready to go and pull a Frank Reich for Skinhead nation. I run into the huddle, ready to call my own plays as always, and I’m shocked to see my receivers are Jimmy Farris and Buck Ortega, it was obvious that coach was challenging me once again. However, I brought out the sparkle in these kids. Three completions and 70 yards later and a TD for Lil’ Buck and we’re back in the game. Let’s recap – three quarters of the other two QB’s for 7 points, three passes for Todd Collins and 7 points. I start the next drive on our own 2. Remembering what happened last game, coach decides to pull Jon and Chris for some other linemen…bold move. It pays off and my arm is afire as I march us down into New York territory. I don’t see the need to talk about the interception since I haven’t thrown one in a regular season game since 1997 and at U of M set a school record with a 2.81% interception percentage! (DVR + poor route running = make your own conclusion). Well there you have it, another team loss and Todd Collins victory, but TC is a team player and will shoulder 0.5% of the responsibility for this one since our roster is still pretty big and I played well. In one quarter, I led us to half our points, threw more completions than the other two, and nearly as many yards …I’m sure coach will take this in consideration.

Feeling like I proved something in week 2, I was ready to show my family, Walpole Rebels teammates, coaches, faculty and Boston Cheesecake Factory hostesses that I was worth the price of admission (TC only gets so many complimentary tickets). It’s always exciting to be back home and play in New England where my protégé, Scott Driesbach’s protégé, Brian Griese’s protégé, Tom Brady, from the U of M has been doing quite well for himself. Tom called me other day and said my knowledge trickled down to him and thanked me for that. I’m always willing to help out a fellow Wolverine, especially one playing for my childhood team. Knowing that this would be an emotional homecoming for me, Coach Gibbs and Coach Saunders talked to me about giving Marcy and Jasmine a little more time to play today and just allowing me soak it all in, since the last time I played at home was 1997. It had been a busy Friday night for me and I was invited to speak at Walpole in front of an eager group of students. Some of the cheerleaders were so eager that they wanted to show me the new bleachers at 2am, which I thought was quite odd. After their generous offer, I had to courteously invite them to my hot tub after the game. Well, the game didn’t have much action and without my on the field presence, we lost 41-0, but I wasn’t too sad, I knew that we were holding the horses back and I still hold a place in my heart for the Patriots. After Marcy got benched for a 3rd straight week, Coach decided to let me run on the field and give me a heroes welcome in front of my hometown. One pass, 11 yards and a 100% completion percentage later I ran off the field victoriously. Jasmine then got shut out in the 4th quarter. As usual, I’m a team player, so I’ll shoulder .02% of this one since I only threw one pass, but our roster size has decreased also – proving once again that I am a scholar.

So weeks 2 and 3 have been good ones for Todd Collins but it would be nice to get a W for the team. Meanwhile, I’ve been drinking a few STs tonight and have had two cheesecakes, so I’m spent. I’ll be talking to you soon

Todd Collins
# 15

Entry #3: Early Preseason Update

2006-08-16T22:34:00.000-04:00

Sorry Skinheads for it has been awhile, but between these summer practices, the first preseason game, hot tub adventures, four course dinners, and sightseeing, there is only so much time that a man has for blogging. But there’s so much to catch up on, so I requested a round table here at The Cheesecake Factory and am awaiting my first ST (Shirley Temple).

Let’s start with the obvious. The cheerleader tryouts have been dwindling down and Chris Cooley and I have been scouting some prospects for the post-game hot tubs. You might not know, but I’ve got a thing for nurses, so Rachel, 22, from California is in my top 3 by default, plus she gets bonus points for her hair matching our uniforms. I also appreciate that Kimberly, 28, is from Guam…during my three years away from the NFL and studying the Andean culture, I escaped to Guam for a little bit to pursue boating and deep sea fishing. However, Kimberly does not make my top 3 and will only be a substitute for the hot tub. Second in the hot tub is Alexandra, 18 from Virginia. Alexandra is an easy choice for me because she innocently reminds me of those sweet sweet nights back in Ann Arbor where Timmy Biakabatuka and I used to play hide the salami in the shower with a few Tri-Delts every Friday night. Plus, she says her perfect date would be “one that is full of surprises,” and I can assure you that there were plenty of surprises in those showers. Finally, I’m going to bring Katie, 23 from Maryland in to tub. Plain and simple, I love Katie’s dancing. Furthermore, Katie’s favorite player is Ladell Betts so she loves backups and says her favorite music is the 80s, which reminds me of going under the bleachers with high school cheerleaders as an 8^th grader at Walpole Middle School. There you have it…Rachel, Alexandra and Katie will be mentioned in many upcoming stories.

Practice has been quite exciting leading up to our first preseason showdown. Even though I am confident that I will be named the starter when the season begins, Mark and Jason have been getting the bulk of snaps with the first team. Todd Collins is a fierce competitor and much like some of the great heroes of our day, Michael Jordan, John Elway, Tom Brady, Wayne Gretzky and Jeff Garcia, wants a ball in his hands at all times. I brought this up with Big Al, who has mentored me so well in the past. Al said the time will come when my number would be called, so I’m going to stick it out and see if my throws in practice increase. So I asked Andrea to cut down on the corn beef hash which I thought might be slowing me down, wore a thinner hair gel and decreased my hot tub time to three hours a day with only five or six lady friends. Needless to say, my game is at an all time high. Last week alone, I hit Clinton on a screen pass that went for 45 yards, threw a six yard slant to Santa na in which he broke 5 tackles and went for a TD, and threw a ball in the flat to Antwa a n and watched him sprint down the sideline. I’m convinced I’m doing my job and I can see Mark looking over his shoulder.

With my excitement sky high, I took the field with my new teammates in front of a roaring Cincinnati Bengals crowd on national TV. Man, what a rush. First of all, Mark got benched early for nearly murdering Clinton to which Joe was quite upset, but Al seemed confident knowing that his protégé was getting loose. Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I am a scholar, and I’m going to talk to Clinton about an attempted murder case against Mark. Being #1b on the depth chart, I was ready to go. Now, Skinheads, I know you’re going to talk about how my first pass was intercepted. But let me just tell you that Todd Collins does not throw interceptions, in fact my last one was in 1997, that’s 9 years without throwing an interception! Therefore, before you put this one on me, I’m going to ask you to watch your DVR’s and make your own judgments. So I held my head high and got back out there with the ball on our 2 yard line. After my first completion as a Redskin to a Redskin, we were facing 3^rd down from our own 5. Jon and Chris are usually pretty steady on the line, but they missed their blocks and BAM, a safety before I could do anything. Overall, I’m pleased with my performance, especially hitting Espy for a 19 yard pass, I mean, he isn’t even any good and I can get him to catch a 19 yard pass, imagine if I had Santana in there? Ponder that. I also hit Thrashy for 22 yards to put us in scoring range, and we’re not talking about Thrashy from 2001 – I’m making these guys look good. Plus, I led our only scoring drive. “19-3” would be “19-0” without me out there. Those 3 points are going to keep the media off of Joe and Big Al for a least a few more weeks.

So, a team defeat, and of course Todd Collins is a team player. Back at Walpole High, after winning a tight game against the Worcester Walloping Warriors, Coach Gary Mueller offered me a scholarship to Michigan. It was the sixth best day of my life to that point and I wanted to share it with my teammates. As a standard present for signing a scholarship at Michigan, Coach Mueller gave me a Ford Bronco and $10,000, so I gathered up the offensive line and took them to a local Ponderosa and bought them all steaks.

It’s been 3 ST’s, an order of bruschetta, French onion soup and a chocolate chip cheesecake since I started writing today, so it’s time to get up, go home, then pay my waitress. I’ll see you all later in the preseason!

Your 2006 QB,

Todd Collins

# 15

Entry #2: My Journey to Washingtonianhood

2006-07-31T13:47:00.000-04:00

Good Afternoon Skinheads. I’m sitting here at The Cheesecake Factory, on my third Shirley Temple while patiently waiting for my Pot Stickers, but I see no better time to share with you my early thoughts on Redskin football and Washington DC.

I knew it would be a good day when I got up this morning and my lovely wife Andrea had already prepared some smoked corn beef hash to get me energized for my first day of football. A full meal, and 6 re-runs of Seinfeld later, I was out the door and on my way to practice. Many of you are wondering, “Todd, you’re a 12 year veteran, millionaire, scholar, big home, great hair, flawless dental hygiene, lovely wife, seductive mistress, can throw a ball 30 yards…what else do you need to prove?” Well fans, my love of football, academia and sight-seeing is why I’m your city’s starting QB in 2006. Would you believe that a young Todd Collins was a Political Science Major at U of M??? I was destined for DC!

A few weeks ago, I received a call from Al Saunders alerting me that he was leaving Kansas City. Folks, I’m a reasonable man, but poke me in the wrong hole and unleash the fire within Todd Collins. Needless to say, I was devastated. This was the man that turned me from a young, inexperienced starting QB with a 69.5 rating, to a wily, experienced, NFL veteran whose 106.3 rating in 2001, 156.9 rating in 2002 and 90.3 rating in 2003 has been recently compared to Peyton Manning’s current run. Anyhoo, I was quite upset with Mr. Saunders leaving me behind and let him know my angst. Big Al let me know how important to the Chiefs I was and that he atrributed Trent Green’s success, Priest Holmes’ TD record, LJ’s leap to greatness and even his own fathering children to my time as a backup QB. Papa Al assured me that I would soon be a Redskin. I was a little fearful of leaving Kansas City where I had grown accustomed, and becoming a Redskin, but I was made to feel like a priority in DC.

Soon after calming down due to the talks with Big Al and those three late night waitresses at The Cheesecake Factory, I took time to relax. I packed my swim trunks, scuba gear and fishing rod and headed to the Bahamas with the family. Skinheads, you’re probably wondering what I would do without Cheesecake for two months, but Todd Collins if nothing if not a versatile man and one great seafood cook, so I made due with my resources. Unknown to me, Vinny Cerrato was quietly wondering what it would take to lure me to the nation’s capitol. So, I’m enjoying some mahi-mahi on the porch with Andrea when I get a call to come to the front of our cabin. Would you believe what I saw??? A limo with a young driver who called himself Daniel Snyder coming to take me to the airport. Mr. Snyder seemed like a nice man who was quite the Skinhead and seemed to be selling me on their organization. So we get to the airport and into a Redskins plane. I rode in the passenger area with Mr. Snyder, who seemed to know a lot for a limo driver, and spoke of his heated racquetball games with Mr. Cerrato (probably why Mr. Snyder drives his limo). As I dozed off, I noticed Mr. Snyder checking out my chiseled face and well conditioned hair which made me a little uncomfortable.

So, I see DC for the first time and I’m sold. It’s Saturday night and Mr. Gibbs, Mr. Saunders, Adam, his girl, Antwaan, Andre and myself are in a hot tub with a few lady friends and two hostesses from the Chinatown La Tasca – obviously the Redskins are playing hardball. Seeing how much my new teammates enjoyed the swinging lifestyle that I do, I knew we would all be instant friends. Six sangrias, three mojitos, one and a half Colt 45’s, and $2.5 million later, I was a Washington Redskin.

Phew, catching up on all those months has made me too tired to write about practice…but don’t fear Skinheads, I’m going to catch you up on my preseason and sightseeing journeys in the upcoming weeks.

Todd Collins
# 15

Entry #1: Creating a Blog

2006-07-30T14:18:00.000-04:00

Hello, and good morning Skinheads of the United States. As you might not be aware of, due to the lack of national coverage and 10 second segment on the 2am showing of ESPN News, I am now a Washington Redskin! Thank you to all that attended my press conference at Walpole High School on March 12, needless to say, it was a big day for me.

Many of you know about my athletic prowess, from my averaging 18 points and 10 rebounds a game for the Walpole Rebels to my 156.9 passer rating in 2002 for the Kansas City Chiefs or the fact that I haven’t throw an interception since 1997. Heck, some of you might remember when I took 1998-2000 away from the game to travel the Andes mountains playing pan flutes, while smoking peyote with the natives. I still thank the Chiefs for that time and by allowing me to ease in during the 2001 season in which I threw 4 passes, but showing no rust, surely 3 were completed. But Todd Collins is nothing if not a versatile man and as a scholar athlete at the University of Michigan, where I was an Academic All-American in 1993, I learned to read and write enough to start a diary.

However, I’ve been alerted that I can make my diary entries public by this process called “blogging.” Therefore, consider this the first entry into the blogging world. Every so often, I’m going to sit at here at my favorite restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory, sip on a Shirley Temple or two, munch on some Roadside Sliders, finish it off with an Oreo Cheesecake and a latte, and share with the Skinhead nation, my day-to-day journey as professional athlete.

Well it’s getting late and I have my first day of practice tomorrow, but don’t fear, I’ll be back with an entry on why I came to Washington tomorrow.

# 15

Todd Collins