Entry #22: Two and Oh So Good!

Man, so many things to talk about this week that I shant delay. I'm sitting here back in the now legendary Collins Suite of DC's finest Cheesecake Factory. Since I'm feeling quite celebatory this week I've decided to bring Andrea and the kids for good times and good eats. My Factori Peach Bellini is at a delightful temperature, my Grilled Skirt Steak is cooked to perfection and the kids are digging into their mountain of Nacho heaven...business as usual at the CF. So without further to do, on with the blog!

I'd like to once again apologize for having not played this Monday. However, I am hopeful that Skinhead Nation can forgive me based on the following story...

Saturday night I was up in Ann Arbor trying to reconnect ties with the UofM community. Lloyd Carr had given me a call and said that he's tried everything to fool our opponents, such as having pre-snap motions always go in the direction of the run in hopes that the other team would guess a misdirection play. However, it hadn't been paying off and Lloyd wanted me to personally give the team a pep talk along with long time buddy Russell Crowe. Anyway, Jimmy "The Emu" Clausen couldn't solve Michigan's stingy defense and we were victorious by a 38-0 score. After the game, Mike Hart, Mario Manningham and myself decided to hit up local football favorite bar, Touchdowns. Now, I'm talking to some lovely young Michigan coeds, when my phone rings... So I pick up the phone quite sexily when I see it's the President of ESPN, George Bodenheimer. Mr. Bodenheimer had called me before when ESPN was considering picking up a TC reality show to run against Hogan Knows Best, but I hadn't heard from him since. Mr. Bodenheimer explained to me that Monday Night Countown ratings were at an all-time low and that a dynamic change was needed. Apparently, Mr. Bodenheimer was so impressed by my class, speaking, physique and all around charm that he wanted yours truly to become the brand new host of Monday Night Countdown.

Now, all of my blog readers know that I've been trying to get into the acting business. I garnered some notoriety after a brief stint on a groundbreaking episode of "The Facts of Life" during which I played Tootie's love interest when we became the first sitcom ever to tackle interracial relationships. I bounced around Hollywood, most notibly landing the role Robbie Sinclair, the teenage son on ABC's "Dinosaurs", but then settled on my pro football career. The long hiatus ended when I was picked to play Raoul in a production of the Phantom of the Opera this summer as I only have ten years or so left in my professional football career. Anyways, after Mr. Bodenheimer's call, I phoned Joe and Papa Al and alerted them that I would not be attending the game against the Eagles on Monday due to the opportunity of a lifetime to host an ESPN show. They were not happy about this but they wished me luck and told me my services would be missed.

Mr. Bodenheimer had a private jet waiting for me inside Michigan Stadium and I quickly fly to Bristol to get ready for Monday's airing. After my introductory meeting with producers, Boomer, Coach Parcells and the rest of the "talent," we were ready to start shooting. I soon learned that being so blonde and good looking is a hex in the land of TV. The envy seeping from the pores of my co-hosts was evident from the first time I said "third and almost as long as TC." We all have learned from Magic Johnson and some of my co-hosts that the transition from athlete to TV personality is a challenge that not many have succeeded in. Not being very familiar with failure, yours truly lit up the stage in a masterful debut along the lines of "Good Times Bad Times" off of Led Zeppelin I, or Brad Pitt's role as an uncredited waiter in the 1987 classic "No Man's Land." Unfortunately, ESPN wasn't ready for what they are calling the "TC mania" and neither were my co-hosts. Furthermore, there was some serious tension when all my co-hosts picked the Eagles to defeat the Redskins (as exhibited at the top). Now, TC is a loyal man and will stand by his teammates through thick and thin, other than when they play the Patriots, but only because I grew up a Pats fan and have a thing for Tom Brady. I stood up, cajones on the line, and told my co-hosts - the Washington mother flippin' Redskins will be 2-0 by the end of the night - the rest is almost TV history. After filming, a very amicable decision was made to cut all my scenes which would keep the rest of the "talent" happy, but to pick up my reality show when I retire in 2017.

There you have it. And I beg of your forgiveness again for missing a second straight week. However, it was a career decision that has landed what will be a hit reality show in ten years, so I feel it is well worth it.

Wow, only one nacho left and it has my name on it...take care of each other Skins heads.

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #21: Undefeated!

Good morning skinheads, TC here with his weekly update on the 2007 Washington Redskins football season. I’m just sitting here at the Cheesecake Factory in the King of Prussia Mall on my way over to Philly for our week 2 inter-division showdown against Jason Avant and the Eagles. Now, I’m sure you CF aficionados out there are well aware that the King of Prussia CF doesn’t open until 11am. Good point, but, fortunately enough, after heated contract negotiation with Mr. Snyder I convinced him to allow three CF waitresses from the Wisconsin Avenue location to accompany the Redskins to all road games. Mr. Snyder eventually gave in after two weeks of preseason magic from yours truly. Now TC can continue his fine dining and fine blogging no matter where he is on the lower 48 states. Since it is still breakfast time, I’m drinking a tall glass of Shirley Temple with an extra spike of grenadine, and chowing down an Asparagus, Portabella and Artichoke omelette. On with the blog!

Week 1 was quite the exciting opener to the 2007 NFL season. I know that I have previously reported my status as a possible starter on this team. Unfortunately, last week came with a lot of emotional baggage for TC, so Joe, Papa Al, and myself decided it would be better to give Jason a shot against the Dolphins. There’s a saying out there that all good things must pass – such as the relationship between Trent Green and myself. There are three people in this world responible for teaching me the tools necessary to running a high powered, unpredictable and efficient offense – Lloyd Carr, Papa Al and Trent Green. From 2001 through 2005, Trent groomed me into the QB I am today as I served as his back-up, personal assistant and best friend. As Trent reached the final stages of his Chiefs career and I became a free agent at the end of the 2006 season, I decided to sign with the Redskins knowing that Trent had given me the training to be a starting QB in the NFL. Trent told me thrilling stories of $1 beers at McFaddens, GTown undergrads at Rhinos, .10 cent wings at 51st State, trivia at Fado’s, and many other reasons why DC would be a snug fit for a New Englander in his prime. I followed Trent’s advice and passed his wisdom off to Papa Al, and the rest is Redskins history.

Needless to say I was excited to see my BFF Trent at the airport and as the jester I am, I picked him up from Ronald Reagan Airport with a limo driver’s outfit and a big sign that said “Mr. Green.” The limo ride back to my townhouse in Georgetown was filled with champagne, laughs and lots of memories. Much like when my good friend and fraternity brother Amani Toomer is in town, Trent and I spent an entire week catching up and partying like it was 2002 in Kansas City with beer funnels, keg stands, beautiful coeds, late night hot-tub parties, jumbo slices and post hot-tub twister.

I knew it would be bittersweet to win this week, and that’s why I specifically asked to be held out of the contest. Jason has clearly not yet learned from my tutelage and keeps throwing passes to the other team, to which I must say I am very disappointed. Also, I must point out my disappointment in U of M Tyler Ecker who apparently felt he didn’t need to show up, obviously hurt by the previous night’s game against Oregon. Now, as you know TC was upset too and debated not showing as I’ve done many a time, but for a rookie to do such things is strictly unacceptable. However, in the end, God was on TC’s side and it was very symbolic to see torch passed from Trent to myself when Suisham’s 40 yard kick went through the uprights on 1st down – something Joe’s been preaching in the off-season to keep other teams on their toes.

So there you have it, the Redskins are 1-0 and on pace to go undefeated. It’s a very festive time in DC for all and I can hardly wait for what adventures week 2 might hold in store.

Todd Collins

#15

P.S. – I miss you Trent

Entry #20: The Dawn of a New Season

Hola Muchachas, after a brief period of technical difficulties due to envious TC haters, the blog is back!

Last night I took the liberty of celebrating the return of my blog, my incredibly successful preseason and being named the 2007 Washington Redskins starting QB...plus the undergrads are back in town so McFaddens seemed like the logical choice. After scouting the talent pool and getting the VIP treatment with my $1 beers, TC was off to bed.

Needless to say that when TC goes out, it tends to be a late night. Therefore, I'm taking a break from CF and am currently blogging in my king size water bed while Andrea cooks up some peach danishes and hash browns with an extra large mimosa.

You might have caught yourself saying "Hey, where's TC?!?" during week 4 against the 'Ville. But as astute football fans as most of you are, I'm sure you realize that it is often preseason tradition to rest your more important starters in preparation for the regular season. Clinton, Chris and myself took the time to acclimate ourselves with the fresh faces on the 2007 cheerleading squad. But have no fear, TC will be under center for the first snap against the Dolphins and my mentor Trent Green.

Let's recap the preseason, shall we? The 'Skins went 2-1 in games played by TC, including 1-0 when I start, and 0-1 in all others. I continued to refuse to throw interceptions which should be expected at this point, as well as put up a QB rating of 97.8. I led all 'Skins QBs in completions, attempts, completion percentage, TDs, least times sacked, game winning drives, passes to Yoder, shags in the hot-tub, post game Julia's Empanadas eaten, hula hoop revolutions as well as high score in guitar hero at Tyler Ecker's housewarming party, shiny blonde hair and New Englandness.

Being named starter in week 3 was particularly gratifying, and I knew that my ten years of hard work in practice had finally paid off. My off the charts numbers and game saving drives obviously caught the eye of many on the coaching staff and they rewarded me with a start against a very stingy Ravens D. We won the game of course, and that brings up TC's winning percentage as a starter to 100% during this decade.

I'd also like to take a quick moment to wish a bon voyage to Jordan Palmer (who clearly didn't take anything away from my tutelage as he threw an INT in his NFL debut), as well as note how excited I am that Chris Cooley and I get to be teammates for 7 more years! I don't know if I'll be up for the crazy hot-tub fun we've had over the past year forever, but we'll see how I'm feeling at the age of 42.

Well folks...my peach danishes are sitting in front of me so that's my cue. I look forward to pleasing you all with my athletic fortitude during the next 16 weeks. And as always, GO REDSKINS!

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #19: Ashamed!

Good afternoon, TC here. I wanted to take a brief moment to publicly announce that from this day forward, TC is no longer a member of the Walpole, MA community nor the Michigan Wolverine community.

I'd like to start with Walpole. All of you know that I've put all that I can into the town of Walpole, whether it be by donating annually to the TC Foundation for Single Mothers, or winning High School state basketball titles by throwing in 18 a game. Over the past 12 months, I've volunteered my very precious time in getting the Walpole Little League All-Stars ready for the LLWS. It all seemed too good to be true when Michael Rando made a leaping catch against Ohio to make us 1-0. However, the lack of heart shown by these 12-year-old punks in the last two losses was unbareable to witness. I am utterly embarrassed that a town that I have graced can quickly forget the fundamantals of sports. TC prides himself on perfection, especially on national TV. These 12 year olds embarrassed a very tight community and should be ashamed of themselves for not living up to the hype that I've created.

Finally, the Michigan Wolverines: I don't care if Appalachian St. is "hot hot hot." The fact is that yours truly is an athlete and a scholar and I've never heard of this school, Boone, or the state of North Carolina, so that gives them three strikes. Plus, how can we lose to the school that Miss South Carolina attends! No TC led Michigan Wolverine team would have lost this game. Apparently neither Lloyd Carr, Chad Henne nor Shawn Crable is TC. It was an embarassing display of athletics at the University of Michigan.

You know, a few years ago Ben Harper asked me for some advice when he was a struggling singer/songwriter. I told him, "Ben, once in awhile when you love something, you're going to have to walk away." Now, it's time for TC to follow his own advice in this truly somber post. So there you have it...a wag of the finger to both Walpole and Michigan.

Now we can go on with the season since that is out of my system. Bring it on Fins! It's Business Time!!!

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #18: Walpole Goes National!

This will be a quicky, but maybe my most proud blog since I stated my week 1 heroics.

I just wanted to ask Skinhead Nation and the millions of TC fans that span this country, Canada and Tijuana to support the Walpole Little League All-Stars in the LLWS on ESPN.

My status in Walpole is legendary. As a senior at Walpole High, I was named New England player of the year by the Boston Globe for my football prowess. As you all know, I led Walpole High to the state finals in basketball by averaging 18 points and 10 rebounds. It was after our semi-final victory against the Foxboro Foxes that the first of infinite hot-tub parties took place. What you might not know was that TC went 10-0 as a flamethrowing righty on the diamond, striking out the likes of Mikey Bambooso and Ritchie Ranconi.

Anyway, as usual, this blog is about more than TC. It's about my love and now the nation's love of Walpole. In case you missed it, Mike Rando made like a little offspring of TC and saved the day with a leaping catch at the wall with 2 outs in the bottom of the 6th to beat those little turds from Ohio. Anyways, I've been following every pitch with great pride, although it's hard to go to these little league games with my celebrity status. Let's just say mom's aren't so much watching the game.

Well friends, please keep the magic alive and support Walpole LL in 2007!

Todd Collins
#15

Entry #17: You're Welcome for the Victory

Sometimes I like to only welcome the ladies to the blog, but this week I’m feeling so generous that I’ll welcome the gents and all those in-between kind as well. Football is back! And that makes TC feel like a young New Englander back on the Walpole fairgrounds. So, here I am at the ole’ C-Fact in the newly developed and ever expanding Collins Suite sandwiched between the Ripken boys. Since I’m working on my 8 pack abs and toned, muscular figure as football season approaches and beach season still has a little time left, I’m keeping it light today with a Shirley Temple and Fire Roasted Fresh Artichoke. Anyway, on with the blog!

Skinheads, to tell you the truth, I was supposed to have the week off. It’s been a little bit of a hectic time around the Collins household. With the job security at an all-time high as I enter my second year of many as a Redskin, and considering I’m just peaking in my mid 30’s, I’ve moved my lovely family into a floating mega mansion in the Potomac. Everyone knows TC loves the water, as well as big houses, so it’s a perfect combination. Still, I came to the game to give Jason and Palmer some pointers since they look up to my veteran presence…plus TC hasn’t had a good ole’ fashion post game party in the hot tub for some time.

But, let’s face it…how many of you seriously thought Papa Al and and Uncle Joe wouldn’t bring me in down 6 with 4 minutes left?? Sensing urgency for this all important first national TV appearance, I stepped out of the hot tub with about 7 minutes left in the game, threw on my jock strap, baby powder, gold bond, eye black and my ‘Skins gear. The rest was pre-season history…

Papa Al gave me the signal, took his head set off knowing I’d be calling my own plays, and just let the magic unfold. Obviously wanting to see if I’d been working on my game in the off-season, Joe decides to hook me up with the likes of the mysterious Burl Toler instead of the regular unit which was used to build up Jason’s confidence. Anyway, soon into my 2007 season the compliments were already flowing – as the announcer said, “this is the best the offense has looked all night,” well duh. So, 5 passes, 5 completions and a 113.3 QB rating later, it’s 7-6 Redskins. A job well done for TC, but to seal the deal I threw on the head set and called a few defensive plays and we’ve got a 14-6 victory. Pape Joe and Mr. Snyder the Limo Driver could hardly contain themselves.

Needless to say, lots of great athletes like A-Rod and Carlos Beltran take a year to adjust to big markets, and I’m well on my way to greatness in my second year.

Oh, and hot-tub party #1 was very satisfying.

Todd Collins

#15

Entry #16: Back in Action

It's been awhile, but TC's back to give Skinhead nation an update on his whereabouts and other pressing issues. The Cheesecake Factory has once again opened its doors and debuted the brand news Todd Collins Suite, located between the Cal and Billy Ripken Suites. My suite comes equipped with a mini TV, blue ray player, PS3, CF 2007 swimsuit calendar, and a water cooler filled with Shirley Temple. So here I am, awaiting for my first Pineapple Pisco Sour of the season…ahhh, it's good to welcome in the new NFL season.

The draft was pretty exciting. There was a first round in which we got the Landrinator, then there were a whole bunch of rounds of not drafting anything, followed by the steal of the draft in the 7th round. Anyone else excited about fellow Michigan alum Tyler Ecker?? I am someone who prides himself on football IQ, and I feel like this should rub-off on young Tyler. In exchange for my IQ, I think I'll bump some singing lessons off the young Mormon lad. Imagine if I could learn to sing like I play QB, groom my hair, party in the hot tub or play a mean key-tar??? Ladies would flock more than they already do. Anyway, Ecker became a legend in Ann Arbor for his nice head of hair, Al Green-like voice, and two "what's the opposite of contributive?" plays. The first being against Ohio St.when instead of running out of bounds to allow one more play, he gained 2 more yards to end the game. Now, TC is all about personal statistics, but TC is also a team player and doesn't appreciate that selfishness in his tight ends. However, Ecker's legend grew in the Alamo Bowl when he had Michigan's fastest player next to him as he waddled down the sideline. As Tmac1Ravens9 from youtube says, "ok the guy that had the ball last is a dumbass." Anyway, welcome aboard Tyler.

There's been a whole bunch of QB moves that we've been making. Many of you might be wondering whether this is the end of the TC era? Let me clear things up: I had the privilege of being invited to play Raoul when Phantom of the Opera came to DC. Needless to say, I thrived –the crowd loved it, and I was a star. Now, this opened up many more acting opportunities for TC. I've since been invited to star in the new Geico Caveman series. By the time the draft rolled around, the Redskins weren't sure which career path I wanted to pursue. In fact, those rumors of TC being "cut" were nothing more then the Redskins thinking about allowing me to pursue my acting career. So knowing this, Papa Al and Uncle Joe decided to draft an insurance policy in Baby Carson Palmer. However, after much pleading and negotiations from the Skins, I decided to give my love of football one more year. With Brunell over the hill, and Campbell's lack of experience, I feel like this is the perfect year for me to finally get that starting job. I'm still not totally sold on the idea of playing football though since the contact kind of hurts, so we might hold on to Jordan or that Bramlet character for a bit. However, one thing I do know is that if I get some reps and snaps in preseason then it might be worth sticking around.

Now that mini-camp is over, Todd Collins has some extra time on his hands. Being a millionaire, as you well know, I have the opportunity to travel anywhere in the lower 48 states. You skinheads may be wondering to yourselves, "TC, why not use your great fortune to travel overseas to places like Rio de Janeiro?" While I have personally starred in the Carnivale parade many times in my life, as you get older you realize that personal responsibilities start to interfere with spur of the moment vacation plans. I must admit to all of my fans out there that I am currently restricted from leaving the country by the federal authorities. Now TC is first and foremost a patriot of this great nation, and would never want to steer the country in the wrong direction. I should also add that the Cheesecake Factory can only be found in the good old US of A. But back to my story...

A few weeks ago yours truly received a call from agent James Knorr regarding an investigation into Michael Vick's Celebrity Dog Kennel. About a year ago, Mikey needed some advice in starting the Vick Foundation. I guess he heard about all the community service that I did at Michigan, and wanted to give me a position on his board of directors. Being an active community participant and spiritual leader to tens of thousands around the world, I felt obliged to accept the position. Fellow board members Marcus Vick and James "Poo" Johnson welcomed my knowledge and intuition with open arms. They knew that if I could manage a foundation half as well as I could manage an offense that things would be looking up. After our first meeting in Surrey, Mikey was kind enough to show me what he called his "Celebrity Dog Kennel." I was really excited about the facilities he had down there, and I started to tell him about my Siberian Husky named "Mauler." Well, Vick's ears immediately perked up when he heard the name of my dog, and he asked if I'd be interested in leaving Mauler with the Kennel during away games. I always have trouble taking care of Mauler whenever I go out of town to help lead the Redskins to away game victories, so I was all for it. Little Marcus was also excited about Mauler, and took time out of his busy schedule with the Miami Dolphins to show me his pitbull "Stomper," who he said was named after one of his favorite football plays.

So anyway, Mauler went down to the Kennel for our first preseason game against the Bengals on August 13th. Still, something wasn't right. Even though TC hasn't thrown a real INT since 1997, I did have a "fake INT" (remember folks it's the preseason), and my instincts told me something was wrong. Don't forget these are the same instincts that helped lead the '96 Bills to the playoffs. Later that day Mikey calls me up telling me that Mauler had gotten into some fights at the kennel. He said that Mauler beat up over a dozen other dogs, and I guess his kennel lost a lot of money because of that. I don't know who he has working there but it sounds like they need some new staff. Mauler is nothing but a gentleman and a scholar, just like his owner, so I suspect that Mauler must have been assaulted by an unsupervised rabble of dogs, and he no doubt beat them back with the same intensity that TC shows on the gridiron. Anway, Mikey sent Mauler back with a note saying that he would "never take care of him again," along with a check for 2.1 million dollars, probably for all the pain and suffering that Mauler had experienced. After Mr. Knorr called me, I told him about the Celebrity Dog Kennel, and the next thing I knew the feds were in Surrey. I guess they are really cracking down on mismanaged kennels these days. They told me that I was a very important person to them, and I may be needed to speak at a grand something-or-other. Now, this isn't the first time TC has been a VIP, and it won't be the last, but my stature as a role model prevents me from accepting any titles such as the "Grand Todd Collins," so I told them I'd have to think about it.

Well skinheads, I think it's pretty clear that TC is becoming an expert at blogging, because this is my longest post yet. My Bang-Bang Chicken and Shrimp just came fresh off the grill, and if this evening goes as expected, that won't be the only thing going bang-bang.

Todd Collins

#15