It's been awhile, but TC's back to give Skinhead nation an update on his whereabouts and other pressing issues. The Cheesecake Factory has once again opened its doors and debuted the brand news Todd Collins Suite, located between the Cal and Billy Ripken Suites. My suite comes equipped with a mini TV, blue ray player, PS3, CF 2007 swimsuit calendar, and a water cooler filled with Shirley Temple. So here I am, awaiting for my first Pineapple Pisco Sour of the season…ahhh, it's good to welcome in the new NFL season.
The draft was pretty exciting. There was a first round in which we got the Landrinator, then there were a whole bunch of rounds of not drafting anything, followed by the steal of the draft in the 7th round. Anyone else excited about fellow Michigan alum Tyler Ecker?? I am someone who prides himself on football IQ, and I feel like this should rub-off on young Tyler. In exchange for my IQ, I think I'll bump some singing lessons off the young Mormon lad. Imagine if I could learn to sing like I play QB, groom my hair, party in the hot tub or play a mean key-tar??? Ladies would flock more than they already do. Anyway, Ecker became a legend in Ann Arbor for his nice head of hair, Al Green-like voice, and two "what's the opposite of contributive?" plays. The first being against Ohio St.when instead of running out of bounds to allow one more play, he gained 2 more yards to end the game. Now, TC is all about personal statistics, but TC is also a team player and doesn't appreciate that selfishness in his tight ends. However, Ecker's legend grew in the Alamo Bowl when he had Michigan's fastest player next to him as he waddled down the sideline. As Tmac1Ravens9 from youtube says, "ok the guy that had the ball last is a dumbass." Anyway, welcome aboard Tyler.
There's been a whole bunch of QB moves that we've been making. Many of you might be wondering whether this is the end of the TC era? Let me clear things up: I had the privilege of being invited to play Raoul when Phantom of the Opera came to DC. Needless to say, I thrived –the crowd loved it, and I was a star. Now, this opened up many more acting opportunities for TC. I've since been invited to star in the new Geico Caveman series. By the time the draft rolled around, the Redskins weren't sure which career path I wanted to pursue. In fact, those rumors of TC being "cut" were nothing more then the Redskins thinking about allowing me to pursue my acting career. So knowing this, Papa Al and Uncle Joe decided to draft an insurance policy in Baby Carson Palmer. However, after much pleading and negotiations from the Skins, I decided to give my love of football one more year. With Brunell over the hill, and Campbell's lack of experience, I feel like this is the perfect year for me to finally get that starting job. I'm still not totally sold on the idea of playing football though since the contact kind of hurts, so we might hold on to Jordan or that Bramlet character for a bit. However, one thing I do know is that if I get some reps and snaps in preseason then it might be worth sticking around.
Now that mini-camp is over, Todd Collins has some extra time on his hands. Being a millionaire, as you well know, I have the opportunity to travel anywhere in the lower 48 states. You skinheads may be wondering to yourselves, "TC, why not use your great fortune to travel overseas to places like Rio de Janeiro?" While I have personally starred in the Carnivale parade many times in my life, as you get older you realize that personal responsibilities start to interfere with spur of the moment vacation plans. I must admit to all of my fans out there that I am currently restricted from leaving the country by the federal authorities. Now TC is first and foremost a patriot of this great nation, and would never want to steer the country in the wrong direction. I should also add that the Cheesecake Factory can only be found in the good old US of A. But back to my story...
A few weeks ago yours truly received a call from agent James Knorr regarding an investigation into Michael Vick's Celebrity Dog Kennel. About a year ago, Mikey needed some advice in starting the Vick Foundation. I guess he heard about all the community service that I did at Michigan, and wanted to give me a position on his board of directors. Being an active community participant and spiritual leader to tens of thousands around the world, I felt obliged to accept the position. Fellow board members Marcus Vick and James "Poo" Johnson welcomed my knowledge and intuition with open arms. They knew that if I could manage a foundation half as well as I could manage an offense that things would be looking up. After our first meeting in Surrey, Mikey was kind enough to show me what he called his "Celebrity Dog Kennel." I was really excited about the facilities he had down there, and I started to tell him about my Siberian Husky named "Mauler." Well, Vick's ears immediately perked up when he heard the name of my dog, and he asked if I'd be interested in leaving Mauler with the Kennel during away games. I always have trouble taking care of Mauler whenever I go out of town to help lead the Redskins to away game victories, so I was all for it. Little Marcus was also excited about Mauler, and took time out of his busy schedule with the Miami Dolphins to show me his pitbull "Stomper," who he said was named after one of his favorite football plays.
So anyway, Mauler went down to the Kennel for our first preseason game against the Bengals on August 13th. Still, something wasn't right. Even though TC hasn't thrown a real INT since 1997, I did have a "fake INT" (remember folks it's the preseason), and my instincts told me something was wrong. Don't forget these are the same instincts that helped lead the '96 Bills to the playoffs. Later that day Mikey calls me up telling me that Mauler had gotten into some fights at the kennel. He said that Mauler beat up over a dozen other dogs, and I guess his kennel lost a lot of money because of that. I don't know who he has working there but it sounds like they need some new staff. Mauler is nothing but a gentleman and a scholar, just like his owner, so I suspect that Mauler must have been assaulted by an unsupervised rabble of dogs, and he no doubt beat them back with the same intensity that TC shows on the gridiron. Anway, Mikey sent Mauler back with a note saying that he would "never take care of him again," along with a check for 2.1 million dollars, probably for all the pain and suffering that Mauler had experienced. After Mr. Knorr called me, I told him about the Celebrity Dog Kennel, and the next thing I knew the feds were in Surrey. I guess they are really cracking down on mismanaged kennels these days. They told me that I was a very important person to them, and I may be needed to speak at a grand something-or-other. Now, this isn't the first time TC has been a VIP, and it won't be the last, but my stature as a role model prevents me from accepting any titles such as the "Grand Todd Collins," so I told them I'd have to think about it.
Well skinheads, I think it's pretty clear that TC is becoming an expert at blogging, because this is my longest post yet. My Bang-Bang Chicken and Shrimp just came fresh off the grill, and if this evening goes as expected, that won't be the only thing going bang-bang.