Sunday, December 30, 2007

Redskins Cowboys - Live Blog!

Post-Game Wrapup: TC would like to personally welcome all his fans to the playoffs! I'm 4-0 as your starter, and yes, tomorrow night the 10-year interception streak will ring in for another year. Coming off the bench and saving the team's season, many have likened me to greats such as Jeff Garcia, or as I like to call him "el saviour de philadelphia." After tonight's performance, I think they may even start comparing Tom Brady to me. I'm not one to make predictions, but don't be too shocked if the superbowl features a matchup of Michigan QBs. The master vs. the apprentice, that would be quite a story. On to Seattle!

6:49 PM: Another toss, another completion, and another TD for TC! 5 TDs and zero INTs for Massachusetts' finest. My passer rating is down from 107 to 106.4, but tonight's post-game party will more than make up for that. I think Santana has earned a designated seat next to Cooley in the tub. I'm looking forward to matching up against fellow New England QB Matt Hasselback as he hails from Norfolk, Mass. We've been rivals ever since I had an encounter with the Xaverian Brothers High School cheerleaders in the spring of '89.

6:38 PM: What would the NFL have been like if TC was actually starting the past 10 years? I'll let you folks marinate on that while I finish this drive.

6:23 PM: When the FOX Commentators mention "Todd Collins Magic," that's basically what it looks like in action. 20-3 Skins. I better go ahead a pre-order a hot tub in Seattle.

Halftime Update: They've been keeping me pretty busy out there on the field so there hasn't been much time for blogging. Santana has been dropping a lot of beautifully thrown balls, so I had to give him a little pep talk in the locker room. We'll come out firing and should be in the playoffs within the hour.

5:24 PM: I need to have a word with Buges about these protection schemes. I can't be getting hit when I'm trying to read the field and throw the ball. Go Broncos!

5:03 PM: 10-0, and the zebras are trying to give the game away, but even they can't stop Suisham's leg of destiny. So far so good. Romo has not been playing well since he started dating Jessica Simpson. Good, veteran QBs like Tom Brady and yours truly have shown the ability to juggle numerous supermodels and the rigors of football at the same time. Tony clearly needs some help in that department. I might have to take him under my wing after the season ends.

4:38 PM: D is playing too well. I don't even get a break today...

4:34 PM: Don't worry folks, TC does not throw INTs and that throw was just a ploy to get good field position with the penalty. 7-0 skins. Good run portis. And I'd like to thank Cooley for being the best receiver ever. If we could clone him 9 times and get them all out on the field with TC I don't think we'd ever lose. I'll need to talk to Dan about acquiring some scientists to get on that.

4:24 PM: Tough drive. I carried the team as far as I could but at some point the line needs to block and Caldwell needs to catch. I'm blogging from the sidelines on my new iPod Touch that Andrea gave me for Christmas and the raindrops are definitely messing with the screen. Time to look at some photos of the D...

4:14 PM: I hope you all saw TC's 107.0 passing rating this month. Apparently TO didn't even travel to DC - he no doubt fears the growing legend of TC. I better get ready, we've got the ball...

3:59 PM: The weather is getting nasty out here folks. I'd rather be on my couch in my georgetown estate taking a nap right now, but with my big free agency payday coming up in a few months this is a good opportunity to keep padding the stats. I just got off the phone with my bookie. I won't give any details but let's just say that the TC-led redskins have won every game by at least 8 points.

2:32 PM: Hey skinheads, it's your NBC Horse-Trailer Player of the Week here ready to lead the charge into the final game of the season. Anyway, I just got in to Fedex from Union Station. It was a late party night yesterday evening as I spent the evening clubbing in NYC with Tom, Wes, Randy, and Junior. 16-0 is truly an amazing feat, almost as amazing as not throwing an interception in 10 years... but not quite. Still, it's really good to see hard work pay off, and all those late-night hours I spent tutoring Tom at U of M have basically created the best team in NFL history. But TC is a humble man and would never claim such credit for himself. Anyway, Papa Al is pretty angry with me getting in so late, so I better start warming up, but let's face it, I've been prepping this game plan for almost 7 years.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Redskins vs. Vikings: Live Bloggin'

Game Wrap-Up - As I said last week, TC loves two things - blogging and winning. Therefore, this ties the previous two weeks as the best weeks of my life. I had a good time leading scoring drives, throwing touchdowns, not throwing interceptions, calling the defense in the first half, and writing some mandolin classics on the sidelines. Final stats - 22/29, 254 yards, 2TDs. That's good enough for another 100+ QB rating, and if it's should be. Those days of 5-7 records and not making the playoffs in the Jason Campbell era seem long ago. I gotta go get my groom on for all this post-game love I get. I might go with black on black like last week. Ok, I'll catch you all later this week. Happy Holidays from TC!

11:10 -
Being a team player, I'm gonna give Clinton a bunch of credit on that drive. However, TC is a master slant passer which accounted for about 90% of that score.

11:00 -
Not to be out done by Tavarias, TC had to show his mobility on that first down run. But TC can follow it up with a beautiful pass. I wouldn't worry about the fumble, I've got like two verses left..then I'll wrap up this game.....nevermind, back to the field!

10:47 -
I'd like to take this brief minute, while I watch the Vikings march down the field, to remind you that my interception-less streak has been extended to ten years, two games, and three quarters.

10:36 -
It's been awhile since I've touched the pigskin, but I'm kind of glad Minnesota recovered that onside kick. I mean, we're gonna win anyway, and I'm really making some progress on these songs I'm writing on the sidelines. Be sure to pick up my CD in 2008.

10:23 -
25-0. After a lively half time which included reggaeton and Irish jigging, we came out with some pep. I decided to show my versatility by throwing a pancake block on 3rd and goal.

9:48 -
Halftime Entertainment!

9:42 -
I will now only respond to Todd "el saviorrrrr" Collins with lots of rolling R's. Looks like Clinton has picked up on my throwing lessons to Jason. I'm on my way to another 100+ rating. 22-0.

9:25 -
Godly deep ball to Santana...never had to break stride. 16-0.

9:21 -
This is getting absurd. The defense is forcing me to get on the field faster than you can say "fire-roasted fresh artichoke." Anyway, that three and out I just orchestrated should teach them a lesson. Time to do into my fire-roasted...CHRIST, back on the field.

9:12 -
So the TC-sneak comes a week after the Madden preview, but it's just as effective. A few nice screen passes set up a fake FG attempt which I created after 12 years on special teams. The result? Negative. Still 9-0

9:00 -
Ok, I know some of you are thinking that the fumble was quite an un-TC thing to do. But, how many of you have kept a meatball marinara in Mark Brunell's hand-warmer for an entire quarter? I had to get back to the sideline.

8:50 -
TC with a jump shot into Cooley's arms that would make Detlef Schrempf jealous. Now that I'm officially on the way to 3-0 as a starter, it's time to second guess Joe's week 1 decision to go to Jason. Extrapolate this record to the entire season and we're 15-0 after today...look out Patriots.

8:35 -
Something I've been teaching Jason throughout the year is that the most effective passes are in the air for less than 5 yards. I'm an extremely accurate shovel passer, so we've worked that into the playbook this week. Smoot's been eating those power bars again...but runs out of bounds inside the ten (as we had discussed) so that TC can pad those legendary stats on this contract year. Rats, I gotta get back on the field, 2-0.

8:27 -
Al loves opening up the passing game when I play, so I think they were ready for it. Some monster giant of a man bats my first pass down, then a Collins special (screen pass) goes for nada mucho when Sellers can't break a simple tackle. Well, time to go unwrap my meatball marinara before next possession.

- About an hour before gametime and I'm getting out of the hot-tub after a nice rub down and eyebrow plucking from Papa Al Saunders. Next step is to get the hair set since I've been running around in this Minnesota snow all morning trying to get Andrea a nice Christmas gift, as well as something that shows my appreciation to the staff of the Cheesecake Factory. Then I'll get my right arm well oiled and ready to go. We control our own destiny now...of course TC doesn't believe in destiny - only hard work and sacrifice. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Wrapping up Week 15

Que pasas's your one-time NFC player of the week TC here coming to you live from my brand new yacht which I'm planning to pay for with the Pro-Bowl bonus that will be coming my way soon. It's nice to get out here on the high seas of that beautiful Bahamian water with some good friends, good food, good tunes and good times. I've brought my favorite staff from the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate the end of such a wonderful week. So let TC take you on a voyage aboard my blogging-boat for the next few minutes to tell you exactly what went down this week.

Last week was quite the whirlwind for me. With all the plans I made this summer such as mandolin lessons, public speaking engagements, running a few half marathons, bringing a class action lawsuit on behalf of the Walpole Carpenters Union, Dancing With the Stars, and perfecting the Superbowl Shuffle, this was really the first week I was able to free my schedule enough to prepare to start a game.

So the week started with high acclaim and a well deserved award for only the best players in the NFC. Now that I've become such a celebrity in DC, I was invited to an exclusive DC fraternity with other famous people from here. So Wednesday night I went to K Street Lounge to celebrate with an eclectic group which included Dave Chappelle, Connie Chung, Tim Gunn, Maury Povich and a Jim Morrison impersonator. The night got a little out of control when Connie and Tim insisted on doing body shots on yours truly. Fortunately, I was able to get out of there with my dignity and return home to my Georgetown estate with a few buddies for an after hour party since Andrea's been a little busy this week.

The Mitchell Report was the next biggest event (besides me) to come out of this week. I have to admit I was a little nervous on this one. Rumors have been circulating about my 10-0 season as a starting pitcher for Walpole High School in 1988. One night at a local Boston bar with some Bellirica High cheerleaders, I was downing a few cold ones with my boyhood idol - Roger Clemens. He taught me his 5 C's of pitching...cream, control, change-ups, chicanery, and cream. He gave me a can of this aforementioned cream. Next thing I know, I had bigger biceps, 5 more MPHs to the fastball and an extra inch of optical edge.

Folks, I got a very special call on Friday while sitting on my beach chair and overseeing practice. It turns out that yours truly had created new life. I took the private jet that I co-own with Danny and went to see Andrea. It was very special to see a young Jack Collins just walk out and say his first words - "what's going on pops?" Fast development runs in the family.

The game was pretty special as I continued my winning streak at 2, my undefeated streak at 10 years, and my interception streak which is moving towards eternal. I'd like to thank Amani for helping me out with some drops, and an "unintentional" roll into the Shocker. For more on the game...make sure to read the live blog from Sunday.

Finally, I concluded my week by flying to Ann Arbor to introdue the next face of Michigan football - Rich Rodriguez. We've been working on a deal for when my playing career is over in ten years to be an offensive coordinator at Michigan. RichRod has seen me use my legs to propel my NFL career and couldn't think of anyone he'd rather have teaching the option-spread offense. However, I was quite disgusted when RichRod misrepresented the all-time classic, The Lion King at his national press conference. Coach Fraud said - "there's a scene where the monkey hits the lion over the head and the lion says, 'What did you do that for?' And the monkey says, 'Doesn't matter, it's in the past." Although genius for bringing up the Lion King, everyone know that Rafiki was actually trying to teach Simba that the past does matter, and can hurt. I just wanted to get that off my chest...phew.

Ok, well it's been a great week full of winning football games, incomplete passes, Baby Collins', new coaches, steroid probes, Disney monkeys, and too much Connie Chung. I've rambled on long enough, and I just noticed that Antwaan scripted "man lover" into my chest with the suntan lotion... not that there's anything wrong with that. I'll see y'all with my game preview in a few days!

Todd Collins


Sunday, December 16, 2007

Week 15: Live In Game Updates!

Recap: VICTORY! I've been telling you people all year that Todd Collins does not throw interceptions. Even on a windy and dreary night, TC puts the ball where it has to be - either in his receivers' hands or on the ground. I think it's safe to say that if TC isn't gonna throw an interception on a night like this, that this streak should survive another good ten years. I must now get ready for my post-game interviews, press conferences, college coeds in the meat packing district, and a late night run to Taco bell with Amani. There's two things that TC loves more than anything - winning football games and it's a good night.

11:34 -
Two-minute warning, and two minutes away from officially being back in the playoff hunt, and two minutes from TC being 2-0 since 1997.

11:27 -
Papa Al got a little conservative, but he's a clock management genius so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. It's getting a little cold out there around this time of night, so I don't so much mind putting on my big redskins jacket and taking a seat.

11:20 -
I don't wanna take too much credit...but TC was a little busy calling the defensive plays during that last drive.

11:08 -
TC got a reputation as the king of screen passes after setting the all-time career Michigan completion percentage record at 64.29%. Unfortunately, Ladell comes up a little bit short, and it's time to go locate that second half of the chipwich.

11:01 -
Been a little while, but I got a good power nap in before this drive, so we're gonna score. Smoot has been eating those power bars of his and breaks up a huge pass...might want to test those for performance enhancements of some kind.

10:55 -
These New Yorkers are getting on Amani about dropping these passes...but just remember that Amani and I are bff from Michigan. Amani knows that TC's got billz to pay, a new kid, and a free-agent contract coming his way.

10:51 -
Things are getting interesting now....but they wouldn't have been if Chris could handle balls like yours truly. Just heard that Madden's been talking about my ball-handling all night and it's making me a little uncomfortable.

10:40 -
Fake throw thing I invented did not work this time. TC is a team player, so I'll take the blame for that play...but not the two bad runs. Don't worry though, TC's leading this team to victory like Captain Jean-Luc Picard led the Starship Enterprise.

10:25 -
TC comes out en fuego in the 2nd half. A strike to Cooley, and a few runs while I'm resting my gun, and we're up 22-3. I hope Mark is taking some lessons on the sideline.

- Half-Time. The completion percentage is a little low, but the confidence is at an all-time high since we're winning by a 16- 3 score. As team captain, it's my duty to fire the boys up in the second half, so I shall give a Shakespearean half-time speech. I'll probably re-set my hair, brush the upper molars a few more times, and pick up some milk before Andrea notices I finished off the last carton, then I'll be re-charged and ready to go!

10:08 -
Papa Al has implemented the fake-throw and hand off play I designed in practice this week and it's averaging about 25 yards a carry....about time someone around here started listening to me. Even though I didn't throw too much, I'm gonna have to take credit for managin the clock, inventing that play, and dominating the two-minute drill.

9:47 -
My first TD drive as a starter since 1997! Man, that feels good. I'm clearly on my game right now and our offense is becoming a juggernaut in just my second week. TCriffic!

9:40 -
Ok, I just finished a few Long Island Iced Teas in honor of New York, and I'm ready to go on this drive.

9:35 -
The Final Countdown blares from the stadium speakers, and I was pretty confident that I'd lead us on our third scoring drive of the game. I'm a little worried at this point considering that Amani Toomer can explode at any point and make this a 7-6 game. A phenomenal punt sets them up inside their own 5.

9:23 -
The Todd/Todd (Collins/Yoder) connection will truly go down as the next Montana/Rice. A big pass to Santana sets up a scoring drive and we're up 6-0. I'm feeling good now so watch out for the next couple of drives.

9:13 - The QB rating is taking a little bit of a hit. The good news is that the interception streak is now another quarter longer. However, I've caught wind that Al and John are starting to get a little nasty towards TC.

9:05 -
An impressive scoring drive by yours truly and we're up 3-0. The old right arm is defrosting and I'm throwing world class passes once again. Give Cooley -4 on that one.

8:54 -
Ay dios mio. Santana was mugged! Anyway, Papa Al's got some great moves up his sleeves and a brand new jump suit on, so I think we're in good shape.

8:45 -
I put that one right in Clinton's hands, not much more I can do. It's ok, as I'm confident we'll score soon.

8:42 -
Giants go four and out and I've gotta leave the rest of this chipwich on the sideline...could have really used a first down there.

8:33 -
A little windy out there. Antwaan was clearly held at the line because the ball went to the spot I've been throwing it all week in practice.

8:30 - An exciting punt return by's go time. Don't bother wishing me luck since it's been my god given talent that's gotten me this far.

- About an hour before gametime. I've got quite the strict routine before games I start - I just got out of the hot-tub, got my pre-game massage from two lucky Giants cheerleaders, I'll brush my teeth until about 7:45, listen to jock jams on my ipod until 7:55, down two shirley temples cause it gets the system going, then at about 8:05 I'll comb my hair one last time, toss two warmup passes, and i'm ready to go. I look forward to blogging y'all after my first drive when we'll be up 7-0.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Redskins vs. Giants Preview: Madden Style

Hey all you TC admirers out there, it's the NFC Offensive Player of the Week here to give you a little preview of what might happen this weekend against my former Michigan roommate Amani Toomer and the New York Giants. It's amazing what love I've been getting on this blog and from the media just because the rest of the world has finally realized the power of TC that I've been preaching for the past year and a half on the blog. Looks like you loyal readers will have to move over since there are plenty of hop-a-longs on this TC bandwagon.

I figured that the most realistic predictor of what might happen was using Madden '08 for the PS3 to help me simulate the upcoming game against New York. Furthermore, I feel as though I can check out the defensive schemes the Giants might throw at me. TC, being both a scholar and an athlete, truly prides himself on extensive film study.

1st Quarter:

- The Giants come out of a large helmet, take the ball, and proceed to march 80 yards for a TD on the opening drive. The final blow was delivered on a 19 yard TD pass from Manning to Shockey. Yours truly answers back with a masterpiece that Bob Ross would be proud of. Three straight passing plays start off the drive, and a critical third down 22 yard rifle to Santana Moss puts us in range for a 2 yard Portis TD...7-7. A 10 yard strike to to Moss makes it 14-7 at the end of the first quarter.

2nd Quarter:

- Skins pouring it on. 28 yard TD by Clinton Portis. 24-20 at halftime, as the defenses are still out partying New York style.

3rd Quarter:

- This game is so intense that I had to put my helmet on while I sit here watching. 31-30 good guys headed to the 4th quarter

4th Quarter:

- TC to Cooley...again, 38-30. Ay-yi-yi, the Giants are making our defense look like we're playing the Pats and it's, make that 44-38 after a Clinton fumble. Looks like its TC magic time in the 2 minute drill.


- If there's anything that i've learned from this game, it's that Madden '08 is almost identical to the real thing. The realistic - TC puts up a 102.9 QB rating, 2 TDs, 0 INTs. The unrealistic - TC fails to complete a 2 minute drill resulting in a 44-38 Redskins loss.

To finish my preview, I would like to conclude that while TC had a big game, my teammates failed to pull their weight. Sorry folks, but there is only so much I can do. However, the interception-less streak will be alive and well and going on 11 years. Lastly, although we lost in the Madden '08 preview, I'd like to point out that the magic of my undefeated streak since 1997 will complete the drive and lead us to a 45-44 victory, most likely on a TC-sneak with no time left (as demonstrated above).

Well, I've studied the defense, drank a few pina coladas, burned some incense, listened to the Grateful Dead, eaten the entire 5-5-5 from Dominos and made myself a better QB in the process. Therefore, it's time I take off. Be sure to check out my live in-game updates from the sidelines this Sunday...

Todd Collins


Friday, December 7, 2007

Wrapping up Week 14!

Things are happening so fast around here, but I wanted to get some blogging done before I have to meet with Reebok, Powerade, Nutrisystem and Vermont Teddybear executives about some really grand endorsement deals.

It's been such a great afternoon as I've just woken up from my post-game slumber party with Chris Cooley and Smootalicious. After the game last night, I got a call from Cheesecake Factory president Max Byfuglin who told me that the Collins Suite would be open all night and that he had assembled his finest staff of waitresses, scantily clad bus-girls, a top shelf open bar, a nacho cheese fountain, a chocoalte fondue fountain, three hot-tubs, two ponys and one guitar hero arcade machine. It was quite the party, and we literally kept the place open all night. The Collins Suite comes fully equipped with a waterbed and velvet love seat, so TC, Smoot, Cooley and Coolio all crashed there for the night with some very special guests.

All that being said, this blog is mostly to thank Skinhead nation for your support of my starting QB job. When I won the job out of the the preseason, I really thought this move would be made sooner. However, patience is a virtue, and TC is a man of integrity and patience. I've sat and watched as my mentee Tom Brady has won superbowls and supermodels knowing that my day would soon come. So I'm sitting on the bench yesterday with my helmet on in order to protect my hair from the cold (as you saw in my post-game interview) when Gibbs walks over to me and says, "son, lead us." The rest is history.

I am now undefeated as a starting QB since 1997. The 144.6 QB rating that I'm sporting this season is second only to my legendary 156.9 rating in 2002. And most importantly, the interception streak is still alive at ten years. You saw me throw 54 yard bombs to Clinton, exhibit deft touch to Betts and make Yoder look like Cooley. I don't want to book my ticket for Hawaii just yet, but let's just say that my travel agent should be hearing from me sometime soon.

Ok, well I gotta get back to partying. No practice for TC since I've had Papa Al's playbook memorized for a good seven years.

Take Care and you'll be hearing from me early next week.

Todd Collins


Thursday, December 6, 2007


Final Score: TC's Muchachos - 24
Griese's Gringos - 16

It was great to get a hug in after the game with my main man Brian Griese. But it was even greater leading you to victory tonight.

I'd love to stay and blog, but I must bask in the glory of my victory with post-game interviews....then it's hot-tub time.

Signing Off,

Todd Collins


4-4, 60 yards on that drive, big 3rd down conversions, and a TD. There's clutch, then there's Tom Brady and Todd Collins.

15/20, 224, 2 TDs. Is it any wonder that I am the most accurate QB in University of Michigan history?


Another drive and more points for the TC led Redskins. Suishim even makes some kicks when in my presence.

It was a good drive as I've proved that TC loves Cooley just as Jason does. It's a one score game which doesn't make me too confident given all I taught Griese at Michigan.

11/16, 164, 1TD, interception streak going strong on 10 years.


I can't do anything when my receivers don't hold onto the ball. I'm demanding a trade for Amani Toomer after this victory.


Folks, as I lead this team to victory and TD drive after TD drive, you might be wondering where TC's been all this time. However, it's a good thing I've been resting this cannon for the past ten years so I can throw 54 yard bombs like that one.

5-6, 91 yards, 1 TD.

TC knows comebacks...


Folks, the Collins/Yoder connection is offically back!

Just got back in the locker room and celebrated like only TC and Yoder know how...

I think it's safe to say I've dusted off the old right shoulder. 4 for 5, 37 yards, 1TD. Well it's halftime so I'm gonna down a few Shirley Temples and see you in the second half!


Ok, two drives into my season and the interception streak is still alive at ten years. Good to see the rust is...

DAMN, our ball back


Hey all. Your starting QB TC here, writing to you from the Redskins sideline after my first meaningful play in about a decade. I'm excited to be in and will continue the updates after our possessions. I look forward to dominating the rest of this game. Ok...gotta run!

If you're keeping track....1 for 1 for 5 yards.

My Home

My Home
This is the birthplace of Todd Collins