Sunday, January 27, 2008

Off-Season Report #1

Hey all you TC-heads out there, it's your favorite starting QB TC here to give you the latest scoop on what's going down this off-season.

I'm in Hawaii and awaiting my pro-bowl invite any day now. I'm confident that I am NFC alternate QB #2. I'm currently awaiting my Escargot Maison appetizer and Avocado Crab Crusted Fresh Mahimahi while sipping on a cabernet sauvignon at the very romantic Hau Tree Lanai Restaurant with my wife Andrea. She doesn't mind if I pull out the ole' laptop before our appetizer arrives, so it's a good time to get this bloggin' started. Most of you are probably wondering - "Hey, TC, we haven't heard from you since you single-handedly saved our season." Sorry TC lovers, but it's been quite the busy off-season with the coaching search, endorsement deals, Pros v. Joes Season 2 filming, World Series of Poker, and the obvious courting of yours truly from around the league.

Let me start my first off-season blog by keeping y'all abreast on the coaching search. While I'm sad to see Uncle Joe, Uncle Greggg and especially Papa Al leave, I must say that I am excited about the opportunity of pursuing my coaching career right here in Washington DC. Snyder texted me last night to alert me that I'm on a short lists of finalists along with Jim Fassel, Ron Meeks, and Lloyd Carr. I had preliminary interviews at the Grand Hyatt downtown in Mr. Snyder's executive suite. There was a crowded lobby of potential candidates which included a team of Ditka for HC, Jaworski for OC, Boomer for QB coach, Keyshawn for WR coach and TJ for DC. I knew the competition would be fierce so I told Snydes that I was the obvious choice since I am a one man staff + QB and come for the basement bargain price of the top paid head coach plus top paid OC and DC. Anyway, Snyder said he'd get back to me.

If for some reason I don't end up as your head coach, then Washington might be seeing the last of TC. As we all know, Papa Al has been sent packing. Al is a father figure to me, and I credit Al and God given talent such as rocket arm, pinpoint accuracy, and elusiveness for my NFL success. There's some rumors that Al might head to St. Louis which would make that job quite attractive since Bulger clearly isn't getting them to the promise land. I've been weighing the pros and cons...DC has $1 beers at McFaddens with college coeds, $.10 wings with college coeds, trivia at Fado with some college coeds, smoke machines at Lima with college coeds trying to meet Europeans or NFL QBs, college coeds in GTown, college coeds in Foggy Bottom, college interns on the Hill, and Fuddruckers. There's some other things too like the cherry blossoms and national mall which TC can appreciate being a historian and all. Plus, TC has all sorts of VIP treatment in DC, although establishing that in St. Louis should be no problem. On the other hand, St. Louis has Papa Al, Anheuser-Busch, and....the Arch? So, it's a wash. Now, there's tons of other starting QB options out there for TC but it pretty much boils down to remaining the savior in DC, following Papa Al, or having the homecoming of the century with the Patriots and battling it out with my mentee, Tom Brady.

The Superbowl build-up has been very exciting for me since I am a life long Patriots fan. In a way I'm kind of glad that we aren't playing the Patriots since my lawyers say it would have created a conflict of interest. Anyway, I'll be on speed dial with Tom and Belichick throughout the game and help break down some series with my superior football IQ.

So that's all folks. It's still young in the off-season, so stay tuned for more updates as the off-season goes down. Let me sign off before Andrea wolfs down all my escargot.

Todd Collins

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Live Bloggin': Playoff Edition!

7:50 - To quote the Beatles, "now it's time to say goodnight to the 2007 season."

:30 - Ok, i know what you're thinking. TC throws an interception, the apocalypse is coming, let's go score some drugs, hit the strip club, and go down in a blaze of glory. Not so fast...since that INT came in the post-season it doesn't really count against my stats...right? Anyway, there will be a Disney movie about this game by the end, so stay tuned.

7:17 -
Laron smoooooth.

7:15 -
So TC's no prophet, just a savior. Damnit Suisham, where did we find this guy anyway? I know I've never heard of him before this year. Only 14-13. To quote George Michael, "you gotta have faith."

7:08 -
You're welcome for my brilliance. To quote Warrant - "TCs my Cherry Pie." I don't know when people are going to stop doubting....whoa, our ball. I'll be back when it's 21-13

7:00 -
To quote Badfinger - "there is no real perfection...unless it's Todd Collins' quarterback rating in the 4th quarter." I'm feeling pretty good, although my back's a little sore from carrying this team.

6:43 -
Ok, only 13-0. TC scores at least twice every night, so don't worry about this one. We're gonna use some secret weapons for this drive.

6:34 -
Keep hope alive! Just remember I taught Tom Brady and Matt Hassleback everything they know. I haven't lost a game since 1997, so there's no reason to get your panties in a bunch. TC loves drama. So let's just think happy thoughts and everything will be ok. In TC we trust!

Halftime -
Sometimes you just gotta cut your losses. Therefore, I will be playing the second half by myself on offense. Halftime Entertainment.

5:54 -
God blessed me with good looks, perfect features, wonderful hygiene and enough sex appeal to be GQ Man of the Year. However, it is also the reason that Seattle can't keep their hands off of me as if I were a New Kid on the Block circa 1990. Wow, our ball already...unfortunately there's three minutes left, or else the two minute drill would be in full effect.

5:43 -
Peterson of Michigan St. might have gotten me that time, but he can not make up for the decades of whoopings that my Wolverines have given his Spartans. But none of that is relevant right now. Don't worry Skins fans, Captain Collins is weathering the storm on this loveboat and it'll be smooth sailing from here on out.

5:31 -
This is not going exactly as planned. I can't believe that someone would not be able to hear my manly and boisterous voice while I'm calling for the snap. We might have to get into the locker room so that I can give the offense a piece of my mind. It's as if I'm wasting my greatness today. I wonder if the Patriots will pick me up to start next week if we're eliminated today....hmmm.

5:22 -
Someone keep Kerney away from me...I think he's got the hots for TC. This is why Gibbs needs to listen to me - none of this stuff happens if Mark takes out his knees. uh-oh, back on the field

- While I continue to throw wonderfully tight and accurate spirals, things just aren't clicking yet. I'm going to talk to Coach Gibbs about sending Brunell in to make a run at Kerney's knees....TC does not enjoy a man laying on top of him. It's nice to see a fellow New England quarterback on the field. Although lacking the prowess of dating supermodels or perfect symmetrical features, Hasselback has served the state of Massachusetts quite proudly. Time to play...

5:01 -
Do all the ladies get excited every time Smootalicious touches the ball or is it just me? Anyway, I got ready for my fourth ever playoff drive...but twas not meant to be :..( Oh well, time to go un-pause my game of Tetris.

4:52 -
Although TC was flawless on that drive, the rest of the crew is cracklin' under the pressure of such a meaningful game. The excitement of a playoff game and the season premier on American Gladiators is a lot to handle for one weekend. However, the TC legend continues to throw as I am quickly establishing a reputation as the King of Swing passes.

4:40 -
Man it's louder than an Enya concert in here. A quick three and out, and I can go finish my pre-game pilates before my next drive. Although I appreciate how well our defense is playing, I must say that it's been tough to complete all sideline rituals between drives. Nice, a little Pearl Jam before commercial...Alive, just like TC.

- Ladies and Gentlemen. After 36 years and 1/5th of my life, it's playoff time for TC. Although I come into this game with plenty of experience from the 1996 wild card match up against the Jaguars when I threw a few dropped passes. Papa Al has assured me that we're gonna throw more than 4 times, so my career high should be passed shortly. I'm currently air drying while waiting for the game to start. I like to get deeply entranced in meditation before games. Anything that TC visualizes will come true. Alright boys, let's go get 'em TC style....back in a bit!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Happy New Year!

Ladies, it's your favorite quarterback, one time NFC player of the week, one time horse trailer player of the game, and now NFC player of the month, TC here. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and got those Tickle Me Collins' that have been flying off the shelves. I also hope you had a wonderful new year and made your resolutions to never doubt TC again.

I know I had a great 2007 filled with no interceptions, 106.4 QB ratings, lots of Cheesecake Factory, a star on the Hollywood walk of fame, and the success of the first annual TC's double-dutch championships for inner city DC children. 2008 promises to be even better already as I am actually playing which means that I should win the NFC player of the month 12 times.

Beating the Cowboys and qualifying for the playoffs probably ranks up somewhere in the 123-127 range of greatest moments of TC's life, and right up there with Jack Collins' birth this past month. Did you know that TC was the only NFL QB in the past four games who didn't throw an INT? I did. This victory cemented TC and TB as the top two quarterbacks in the NFL which is the way it should be. We have the top two ratings, two best groomers, best humor, longest tooth brushers, and greatest aura. There's no doubt that we'll be facing each other in the Superbowl and the Pro Bowl. Some of you guys might be saying..."Todd, the regular season is one one thing, but how can we trust a QB with such little playoff experience?" I will point you in the direction of the 1995 and 1996 NFL seasons when TC was a young lad with the Buffalo Bills. In 1995, I had the privlege of backing up Alex Van Pelt as he filled in for an injured Jim Kelly in a 40-21 Wild-Card loss to the Steelers. That experience prepared me for my playoff debut when yours truly filled in for the once again injured Jim Kelly for a series. In a magical 30-27 loss to the Jaguars, I went 1-4, 7 yards and 0 INTs. TC is a playoff veteran, and that experience will help us immensly on Saturday.

New Years Day was quite exciting as I have quit partying to watch game-tape to help strategize for both the Redskins and Michigan games. I flew down to Orlando with other famous Wolverines such as Braylon Edwards, Tom Brady, Amani Toomer, the ashes of Gerald Ford, James Earl Jones, Madonna, Dr. Kavorkian and the unabomber to be there for Coach Carr's last game and implement the spread attack which took down Florida. Although it was quite a victorious day, a bad omen was unleashed when Mike Hart fumbled twice after 1002 carries without a fumble. I started thinking about my interception streak, but quickly realized that Hart was mortal. I was very tempted to start partying in Orlando with my old teammates, but decided to keep it PG-13 with Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and Pluto.

That's all for now. I look forward to live blogging during the Seahawks game, but we all know that TC does not lose and that I shall grace the 2nd round with my presence. Normally I'd check off by saying that I've just finished off some mini burgers or nachos grande, but it's a new TC for a new year.

Todd Collins


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