Friday, December 22, 2006

Entry #14: Week 16 Preview

Hey there lonely strangers, it’s been a long day and I finally got a chance to sit down and let you know what would happen in week 16 if I were playing. It’s great to get off my feet and sit here at the Cheesecake Factory while munching on Firecracker Salmon Rolls and sipping on a Gin Rickey.

As I said, it’s been a long day. I woke up around 10 which usually means I’d have to rush to eat Andrea’s corn beef hash, down some OJ for my daily Vitamin C intake and run off to practice. However, since I won’t be joining the team in St. Louis, I was able to slowly enjoy the savory flavor of Andrea’s cooking. After a good few hours of eating and watching Cold Pizza, I was ready to take on my Friday.

The bulk of my day was spent sitting in front of my PlayStation 3 and simulating Week 16 on Madden 2007. Knowing these are quite scintillating, I thought I’d sit and watch so I can report on these for my first weekly preview. I simulated a game with Jason and a game with yours truly…here’s what happened:

Redskins v. Rams with Jason: This was quite the nail biter. Down 14-7 going into the 4th, JC leads a nice drive down the field and hits Lloyd for a 29 yd TD pass to tie it up. Rams respond with bruising drive to take the lead 21-14 with 1:05 remaining. Time to work a little TC magic, unfortunately I’m helplessly watching on my futon. JC runs up the middle for 19 yards, gets up and spikes the ball. An inexcusable sack on 3rd and 5 sets up a 4th and 11. Time for Al and Gibbs to call the most important play of the game. In a move that can only be explained by draft position, a handoff to Betts gets 10 yards...Game over. Jason completed a whopping 6 passes. However, one of the TDs went to Chris, so I’m sure we had a fun cyber hot tub afterwards.

Campbell: 6/13, 107 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT, 82.4 Rating, 3 sacks
Moss: 2 catches, 62 yds
Lloyd: 2, 38 yds, 1 TD
Cooley: 1, 1 yd, 1 TD

Redskins @ Rams with TC: I think Madden picked up on how disinterested I’ve been lately because I did not bring it. Knowing I’ve been demanding a trade to the Giants, I’m pretty sure Al was calling his “D” game from the sidelines. First pass of the game and the remarkable happens, Virtual TC throws a virtual interception – I have to question the "realistic" nature of this game. Anyway, I only finished about half before I ate too many Christmas cookies and fell asleep Al Bundy style.

Collins: 1/12, 12 yards, 3 INTs in one half.

But, if the Virtual TC is anything like the Real TC, yours truly, then he no doubt led the Skins to a dramatic comeback victory in the second half. Sorry Skinheads.

Todd Collins

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Entry #13: Apologetic

Good day sunshines. Skinheads, let me take a minute to apologize for the three week absence from my diary. Tis’ the season and TC has been quite busy with holiday shopping among thousands of other adventures. So, I can’t share my entire few weeks worth of frolicking all into one blog, but let me give you a tasty treat, just like these Buffalo Blasts. Boy, I sure did miss the Cheesecake Factory! However, I give my word that from now on this is a weekly blog, if not bi-weekly, just like a certain Philly QB. Also, be sure to look for my first annual “Game Preview” column tomorrow.

You might have noticed that Jason has been playing my position for the past few weeks. You might have also noticed that I haven’t had a snap. You might have also noticed that we are well into last place. Coincidence? TC is a team player, that’s fo’ sho’, but why did Papa Al bring me here if not to pull a Doug Williams? So, basically, I’ve given up on the season which is why I no longer attend games nor really watch them on TV. But I’ve been reading some box scores and making up highlights in my head…and I’m intrigued by a few things.

First of all, some player personnel I’ve noticed. What happened to Little Nicky Novak? All that man did was win us a game against the first place Cowboys. I guess he must have athletes foot or something because I haven’t read about him lately. In case you missed it we signed some kid named Suisham who sounds delicious. Anyway, he seems to be kicking pretty straight, but good luck in recovery Nick. Secondly, I’ve also noticed that Jason is neglecting Yoder, much to my chagrin. Moreover, Ladell Betts is quite the equivalent to Portis so I’d like to offer up a trade to the Giants – Clinton and myself for Ose Yumenyiora and Mathias Kiwanuka. It’s a fair trade. The Giants get TC to Amani Toomer throwing it around like it was 1993 in Ann Arbor plus a RB to replace Tiki, while Washington gets two guys whose names I can’t pronounce so I don’t want them as teammates.

From what I can gather, we lost two in a row to Atlanta and Philadelphia. Jeff Garcia is now playing QB for Philadelphia, which is quite fitting. Anyways, Jason decides that it’s acceptable to throw to the other team 4 times, well against my tutelage. However, it’s fine and we’re 4-9 – great draft position, perhaps a little Leon Hall or Alan Branch for some Wolverine love. What occurred next really tickled my torso. I don’t know about you, but I’ve fallen in love with the New Orleans Saints – America’s team. What a story that has become. So who decides to piss all over America’s wedding day??? Jason Campbell. Not only did he ruin our own draft position, but he might have also destroyed what would have been a great Disney movie starring silly Hobbit and McConoughey.

So what’s TC been up to? Well, my time away from football has been refreshing. A few things I’ve been doing. #1 – partying it up with Britney and Paris. Knowing that I wasn’t playing and Britney was now single, I figured I didn’t have anything to lose. #2 – PlayStation 3. #3 – Flying around the country to scout my fantasy football players for the playoffs in my keeper league. That’s been about it, but I can guarantee that the hot tub has been staying spicy.

That’s about it. Again, I apologize and I’m thinking about making it out to our next game if it’s in Washington. I haven’t checked the schedule yet but you’ll be sure to hear soon.

Todd Collins

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Entry #12: "The Source" Exclusive Confession

First off, in an exclusive blog entry, I am here to tell you, that Todd Collins is “the source.” Now, I know some teammates might have a problem with me and think I alienated the defense as our problem and left Gregg Williams out to dry. First off, Gregg with 2 g’s, I’m only reporting the truth of how I see it and frankly I don’t like the way you spell your name and that in itself is arrogant enough. Toddd’s got a serious problem with arrogance. So, here I am, Senor Springs, saying it to your face via the internet: Todd Collins is nothing if not an honest man and when reporters ask me questions, I’ll answer them, even if that means in a dark parking lot.

I’m glad that is off my chest, and I don’t think there is any bad blood between TC and the teammates. Someone had to light a fire, and I did it as I often do. Needless to say, the defense responded. Greggggory and company shut down anything that Carolina tried to do. Delhomme to Smith was no more potent than a bottle of Jeter cologne, and Carolina struggled to move the ball all day. However, Jason didn’t listen to me and threw his first NFL interception. Normally I would be upset because I don’t throw interceptions, but I had to take a step back and realize that a young TC was also turnover prone and it wasn’t until wiser times that I figured out I just needed to avoid those – hence no INTs since 1997. Jason will soon learn this. The problem was that most of the passes were also hitting the ground and we had about 60 yards of passing up until the last magical play. You’ve all probably heard on SportsCenter or George Michael’s Sports Machine that Jason’s headset went dead on the 3rd and 8 TD to Cooley. Yes, this is true. However, let me tell you the whole story…

Jason gets in the huddle on a huge 3rd and 8 play, with the game slowly fading from our grasps. Big Al radios in a play, Jason looks at him wearily due to the inept passing game that Al had called all day, and in a move well beyond his years turned off his headset. Next thing I know, Jason looks me in the eye and we connect – he wants me to call the play. I take a quick look in the huddle, and it might have been the mixture of my chimichanga with extra spicy guacamole and painkillers, but I see Angels around Chris Cooley. Being a big Fox Family Channel fan, I knew that Angels on a sports field tend to lead to good things. I call Chris’ number and Jason gives me a silent nod. The rest is history…Angels bounced those guys off of Chris and led to the best post-game hot tub party this city has ever seen.

Ah, yes…it’s been an eventful week full of Skinheads, Sources, Angels and Yoders. I’m about done with this Shirley Temple and Godiva Cheesecake, plus Cindy is ready to go home. So, we’re 4-7, in last place, and hurt our draft status, but victory in the hot tub never tasted so good.

Todd Collins

Monday, November 20, 2006

Entry #11: UGHHH!

Good afternoon ladies, and even gentlemen this time. Well, there isn’t much to say about this weekend other than…ughhh! First of all, let me say, I didn’t get to make it to Tampa for the latest Redskins game, but took the time to watch almost 50% of the plays. TC is all about business today and quite crabby, so I’m going to tell Cindy to rush order my Crispy Crab Wontons, treat myself to a Kobe Burger (I’m a millionaire) and get right to it.

First of all. I want to apologize again for not making it to Tampa this weekend. Let me tell you that it was very hard for me to turn down the offer from Coach Gibbs to start. This was not an easy decision for me, especially having a QB itch knowing the last time I started Yancy Thigpen had 1398 yards receiving and Karim Abdul-Jabbar led the league in TDs. However, TC is a man of his word and nothing but a trustworthy man, therefore I had to be in Columbus. So let me give Skinhead nation a breakdown of what I thought was a classic NFL game.

Let me just say that I was impressed that Jason was able to soak up my knowledge and tutelage quite well. The first thing I noticed was that Jason did not throw an interception. Being a father figure of a different skin tone, I was proud that he was following in my footsteps. If Jason manages not to throw an interception until the year 2015, then I’ll know he’s really been paying attention to our late night sessions. Remember, I haven’t turned the ball over since 1997! Apart from Jason, I was most impressed with my guy Nick Novak again. Man, where did we get this guy? His kicks look that much prettier on Coach Carr’s Hi-Def TV. So, it’s 3-0 right away and I’m smelling the victory from across the country. However, some kid I never heard of was playing QB for Tampa and wasn’t going to be outdone, so before I can change the channel back from watching World Poker Tour on ESPN 2, the score was tied 3-3. The second quarter was the most exciting. As you know, I got the chance to hang out with Derek Jeter all weekend in Columbus, and we bonded pretty nicely. Anyway, Coach Carr let me watch the game from his room, so I told Derek to come over and he brought his new fling, Jessica Biel. Knowing that I was a big 7th Heaven fan, Jessica told co-star Rachel Blanchard to tagalong. Maybe it was that I was wearing my sample of “Derek Jeter: Driven” cologne, or perhaps it my noticeably white teeth and silky blonde hair, but Rachel and I hit it off. Next thing I know, Derek, Jessica, Rachel and myself are in Coach Carr’s hot-tub sipping on a few morning mimosas and getting to know one another. Thinking things couldn’t get better, in walks co-star Beverley Mitchell wearing a velvet robe. You wouldn’t guess this from watching an Episode of 7th Heaven, but Ms. Mitchell is quite the firecracker. Needless to say, but I wasn’t able to watch the second or third quarters.

So, by the time I get back to Coach Carr’s flatscreen, it’s a tie game at 10 in the 4th quarter. I was so happy that Jason learned from me and threw a TD pass to Chris Cooley. I knew Chris would be jealous of my hot-tub extravaganza with the cast of 7th Heaven, but I figured he would have some fun with his cheerleaders after the game. The tie didn’t last long and soon enough we’re down 10 – thanks Ladell. At this point I figured we’d lose, but Jason has only 70% of TC magic in him and made up 7 of the 10 points. Anyways, we’re now 3-7, but there were lots of positives from the game – Jason’s performance, Rachel + Beverley = crazy fun, Chris scoring a TD, Nick Novak, and we learned that there is some guy named Todd Yoder on our team.

In all seriousness for a second and as a Michigan alum, I just want to say thank you to Bo Schembechler for his contribution to the University of Michigan football program and making this rivalry what it is today. The timing of his death is crazy, but I’m sure he would have been proud of the effort I put forth in my playcalling Saturday. As someone who was recruited by Bo and was a legacy on the field while Bo was athletic director, I had the time to get to know Bo quite well and even shared a few late night victory cigars in his office. RIP Bo.

I don’t want to speak too much about the Michigan game because it hurts. I gave up my starting QB job in order to try to inspire the Wolverines to win. One thing is for certain: the 10 minutes I spent rubbing Chad Henne’s arm before the game paid off. He led our team to 39 points. However, I’m worried it was too good because he overthrew a wide open Super Mario Manningham by about 10 yards which would have given us the 14-7…plus he hasn’t stopped calling me since. However, we were still in the game late into the 4th quarter until a bad three & out, plus Shawn Crable deciding to wait until the end of the game to hurt Troy Smith, plus Rivas’ onside kick being quite un-Novak-like. The good news for Michigan is that Todd Collins did not play QB for USC, Florida or Arkansas, so that’ll probably give Michigan enough strength in the alumni portion of the computer polls to warrant a rematch.

I hope you enjoyed the story of my weekend and it’s too bad that I wasn’t able to help Skinheads wake up to a 4-6 Monday morning. Well what do you know, Jessica, Rachel and Beverley just arrived (no sign of Derek). Guess I’ll be ordering 4 cheesecakes tonight!

Todd Collins


Thursday, November 16, 2006

Entry #10: Off to Columbus!

I just want to take a second to thank you all for your fan mail and support wishing me good luck in Columbus this weekend. I’ve been scouting the Ohio State defense and believe there are some weaknesses that I can expose. I’ll be on the sidelines calling the plays and relaying my expertise to Chad Henne and the Michigan offense. No word if Coach Carr wants me calling the plays on defense too, but I’m sure you’ll find out soon.

I’m going to get a head start and go to Ann Arbor first so that I can visit the old dormitory and mingle with the tri-delta's I used to party with. I’ll be sure to make late night stops at a few local Jimmy John’s, Cottage Inn, the Pizza House and Big Ten Burrito after partying for hours at Rick’s and the Jug. From there it’s off to Columbus via my private jet that Michigan gave me in 1994. I’m taking Michigan alums and nearly alums Jalen Rose, Derek Jeter and James Earl Jones. No call back from Madonna yet. There’s going to be a lot of Michigan love in the house.

With so many great heroes, why do they look up to Todd Collins so much at the University of Michigan? Here’s the answer:

College records

  • I finished my collegiate career at Michigan with the best career (64.3%) and single-season (65.3% in ’93) completion percentages in school history. Jim Harbaugh who???
  • TC is third in career completions, attempts and yardage, while owning the school’s second and third-best seasonal yardage marks (2,518 in ’94 and 2,509 in ’93).
  • TC is third on school charts in career rating with a 145.0 mark. However, the 145 pound fish I caught out in Pasadena has yet to be matched.
  • I own a Wolverine mark for average yards per play (7.04) and am second on the school’s charts for yards passing per game at 158.32. Man I'm good.

If you’re looking for a prediction, I’ll say Michigan 27, OSU 24 if I don’t call the plays on defense. If I do call the plays, 34-13 Michigan. You’ll know by the outcome.

So wish me well Skinheads and look for me on the sideline. Sorry again for declining the invitation to be your starting QB. But TC is a team player and I wish Jason the best of luck as he fills in for me this weekend. So good luck and I’m going to finish off this order of Potato Skins that I’m eating in your honor.

I’ll be sure to bring my fanny pack, digital camera and have some great stories to tell.

Good Luck!

Todd Collins

# 15

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Entry #9: Excitement Brewing

In honor of this blog entry's title, I decided to change it up from the Cheesecake Factory and am currently sitting in the Brickskeller drinking a few brews and scouring down a cheeseboard platter. The atmosphere is less friendly right now but I’m waiting for the college crowd to come in.

So, TC, the Redskins are 3-6, practically out of the playoffs, why are you excited? Maybe that’s because I was named starting QB for the Washington Redskins!!!

Wait…Isn’t Jasmine starting in Tampa this week? That’s true, but it’s a long story and I’ve got some updating to do, so make sure to read on.

Week 8 was a bye week so I went to my Walpole High School class of 1989 reunion where it was great to see so many familiar faces. And as the family man I am, I decided to break away from the norm of hot tubs and the city lifestyle and simply break away and hit the slopes in Vail with Andrea and the family. It’s hard to get away when you’ve had my kind of success, but Vail offered seclusion and a chance for me to try snowboarding for the first time…man, what fun!

Week 9 was an “instant classic” that I’ll be sure to watch one day. It’s getting cold in DC so I had decided to move up the post-game hot tub to a during-the-game hot tub. It was a good decision, and with a two-at-a-time cheerleader rotation going, it still worked. I was glad to have my ST cooler indoors with me. Facing a tough Dallas team, with our backs against the wall and Marcy as our QB, we still were able to pull a victory out thanks to Nick Novak. I’ll tell you, that kid is some kicker. I came out to watch the last few seconds of the game after the roaring from you Skinheads kept me awake. I see Dallas has the ball with a few seconds to go. I figure we’re going to overtime so I’ll grab a hot coco and head back to the bench. But Adam gets beat long and sets up Dallas for a victory, but no! A block and a penalty later and we’re in field goal range. I don’t know why Coach Gibbs put in Novak instead of Hall, but it paid off and we’ve got one hell of a kicker and a victory. We really rallied for this victory and of course the post game celebration was a blast since Chris scored a TD. I returned the favor and brought Terry out into Adams Morgan that night where we danced salsa and La Habana Village until the early hours of the morning. TC is a modest man, but, as many ladies can inform you, I’ve got the rhythm of a human metronome.

Week 10 was by FAR the most exciting week of the season for yours truly. Yea, the game was kind of a rout and we proved that we aren’t that good of a team, but what occurred in the later stages of the game and after are truly remarkable. Let me first say that Todd Collins is a Wolverine first and will always be loyal to Coach Carr and the maize and blue. It has been known for weeks that I would be in Columbus, Ohio and on the sidelines for the Michigan/Ohio St. game. Therefore, I’ve talked to Coach Gibbs and Papa Al and let them know that I will not be attending the game in Tampa due to a prior conflict. Coach Carr truly believes that my inspiration can propel them past the Buckeyes, and I don’t disagree – it is my pleasure to motivate fellow scholar-athletes. But back to the Eagles game. We’re losing because Marcy can’t throw and our defense can’t defend, but then it happened…a voice in the distance calls “Collins, you’re up.” Now, I had been prepared for this so I studied the Eagles all week and made sure not to order Manny & Olga’s to the sidelines on this particular day. There’s 9:03 left in the fourth quarter and I have visions of the time Trent Green ate too many jalapeno poppers in KC. Well, Marcy…you’re benched (for the 5th time this year) and TC, it’s your team. I was throwing bullets on the sideline and smelled the endzone already. However, it’s pretty obvious to me that Marcy was paying our defense to consistently let up first downs and drain the last 9 minutes of the game. I never got in but it couldn’t hold me down.

Not long after the game, Coach Gibbs addressed the team and alerted them that I would be starting in Tampa next week. Imagine that, my hard work, practice, flawless grooming and witty charm had paid off and I was the starting QB for the 2006 Redskins! I told Coach to give me a few minutes to check my planner and I’d get back to him. Realizing that I had given my word to the University of Michigan and thinking back on the tens of thousands of dollars I received at Michigan, I had to decline the invitation to be your starting QB. Sorry Skinheads, but Jason is going to take my place for a week or two depending on the Michigan game, but don't worry, he's been learning a lot from me. Coach Gibbs and Big Al have tried to convince me to change my mind but my word is worth gold. However, I must admit they that they give a hard sell - they are impressed by my many tools as a NFL QB – laser arm, pocket presence, colgate smile, scrambling ability and must have finally realized that I don’t throw INTs and routinely put up a QB rating of over 100.

So there you have it, I am the starting QB, finally #1 on the depth chart and Marcy is down to number 3. I’m so glad I stuck it out as #1b. What do you know, my check is here…"this one’s on the house" says Cindy, it’s good to be me.

Your Starting QB,

Todd Collins

# 15

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Entry #8: .2857142857

Well Skinheads, it’s sad but true, but your Washington football team has now lost three games in a row. As I sat here with a Mai Tai in my left hand and my #2 pencil in my right, I worked out the long division to many decimal points and have determined that our winning percentage is now .2857142857. Why go beyond two decimal points? As Coach Murphy taught me at Walpole High, go beyond expectations, and TC feels that most settle for two. Scholarly??? I thought so.

Well, we’ve lost three games in a row. That’s the bad news. The good news is that I’m getting quite accustomed to my seat on the bench and worked it out with the rest of the team to have dibs every home game. So, I’ve ordered my own personal large misty fan for my seat and an espresso machine. Against Jacksonville I created an online account with Manny & Olga’s and ordered an Italian Sub during the 3rd quarter, which was delivered straight to my chair on the sidelines. I’m becoming a regular in this city already.

Let’s recap: Week 5, we get walloped by the Giants and Mark decides to put on his skirt and reveal Marcy once again. Apart from a great 42 yard drive in which she contributed 17 yards, Marcy led our offense to 0 points and barely threw for over 100 yards. I might have complained to Papa Al, who actually asked me to get ready about 5 times, but I enjoyed the New York nightlife a little too much to feel like warming up anyway. Amani Toomer and I developed a strong connection on the field at the Big House in Ann Arbor and off the field at local bars such as Touchdowns and Scorekeepers, where they called us White Lightning and Black Shadow. Our code names were definitely in effect as we took to Manhattan for our post game celebrations after sharing the hot tub with some special friends.

Week 6 featured our most surprising, but far from only, loss of the season thus far. I decided to call Cindy from The Friendship Heights Cheesecake Factory and she personally delivered a Pesto Chicken Pizza and a Blackened Chicken Sandwich for me to share with Jason on my personal bench seat, figuring Marcy had this one in the bag. I also asked our equipment manager, Brad Berlin, to put in a water cooler consisting of ST’s just for me. I had so many laughs with Jason that I hardly knew what was happening until Coach Gibbs gave quite the halftime speech and I realized we were only up one. Cool under pressure as always, I didn’t sweat it and remained collected even though the Pesto was heavy in the stomach. Next thing I know we’re losing and Papa Al wants me warming up again, but I told him it wasn’t going to happen today and if he wants me saving this team like in the preseason he better switch me to #1a on the depth chart. Well, this one stung a little bit because I expected to celebrate a victory that night so I didn’t do much partying and simply brought the three girls into the hot tub with Chris and I. Tough week, and I shoulder none of this defeat.

Week 7 I didn’t expect to win so I’m not that disappointed by the result and I was glad for fellow Michigan alums Marlin and Cato. Chris scored a touchdown today so I’m sure we’ll celebrate that once we get back to DC. Other than that I didn’t warm up at all, and we’re now 2-5 and looking at a lottery pick which is kind of exciting because I’ve kept friendly with the Michigan program and know guys like Alan Branch and Leon Hall look up to me for guidance. Well, I’ll accept some of this loss, being a team player and all, and Mark played decently, probably since he is looking over his shoulder and seeing me.

Ok folks, that’s a quick recap of the football action. Stay strong Skinheads, just like this mai tai.

Todd Collins

# 15

Monday, October 2, 2006

Entry #7: An even .500

So, although the bitter taste is still in my mouth it’s at least covered by this Crispy Beef Sandwich as we’re now 2-2. Back in the playoff hunt at least, but I’m still not seeing the kind of time I deserve.

Well in week 3 we beat up on the worst team in the NFL from last year, congrats on your record Marcy, no way TC could have thrown screen pass all day and beat the Texans. So a nice 31-15 win. The bigger news was that I was able to spend the week in Texas with Terry and the cheerleaders. About midweek we switched from Dallas girls to Houston girls and on Saturday night we traded them for University of Texas girls when we went down to watch the Longhorns take on Iowa State. Well, it was a good week and I can’t complain because I am a team player and we won, so I’ll take about 1.8% of the credit since there are something like 53 players on a team and I am one of them, however, I don’t have a calculator and that is my scholarly guess. A great week in Texas, a good victory, and I was ready to head back home to Andrea and The Cheesecake Factory.

Man was week 4 exciting. Knowing we had a W under our belt, the Skinhead nation came out ready to go and saluted us home. I think we were pumped for this one and Mark showed up to play QB instead of his alter-ego. However, for those of you who were there and those of you who watched, you noticed something. Mark got a little banged up in the third quarter and I noticed the FOX cameras showing me warm up on the sidelines. Although I didn’t want to cover up my well groomed hair, I wanted to show the world I was ready to go so I strapped on my helmet and gave a good exhibition on the sidelines, I’m pretty sure you’ll see it on the 2am Sportscenter. I was excited to make my regular season debut, and I had already replaced Marcy four times in the preseason. The blood was rushing just like in the 1992 Michigan/Wisconsin game when Elvis Grbac’s turf toe allowed me to warm up in front of an entire section of Chi-O’s. That night turned out well. So, Mark comes back, we win in overtime, I rush the field, and we’re 2-2. It’s a great feeling, and I’m going to take 5% of the victory due to my warming up and the extra motivation it probably gave Mark to go back out there. Good victory gents.

So, yes we’re 2-2 and in great shape. The positive energy seems to be circulating this entire city. I can’t go anywhere without someone noticing me for my football playing rather than my sparkly white teeth, designer suits and perfect hair. It’s become quite embarrassing for Andrea and I since we can’t go out of our mansion without getting mobbed. It’s a good feeling, but makes my time here at The Cheesecake Factory pretty tiresome. In fact, I’m sitting here with a Groucho Marx type mustache and glasses and top hat just so I can enjoy my latte and Oreo cheesecake. It’s quite a challenge to eat but I can think of no other place I rather be blogging you.

Todd Collins
# 15

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Entry #6: The Season Begins

Is this why I came to Washington? I mean, I know I’m a political science major and enjoy a good sightseeing tour on Friday’s, but come on Gibbs, did you watch those two poor excuses for a QB during the preseason? I gave you my projected stats over a full season, and you threw it in my face. It’s a good thing Cindy put extra grenadine in my ST today, and this Honey-Maple Pork Tenderloin is soothing my soul, or else this could be a fierce post.


Did Marcy Brunell ever post a rating of 156.9??? Heck, did he ever even reach 92??? I don’t think so. Did you know that Marcy has thrown 72 INTs since my last one?!?!?! I stand tough in the pocket throwing TDs to Buck Ortega and Jimmy Farris and Marcy can’t hit Santana, Antwaan or Peppermint Patty.


Ok, sorry Skinheads, but it still stings, thankfully Papa Al has been helping me get through this.

Time for the football update. Week 1 – we lost to a team that didn’t make the playoffs last year and Marcy threw for no scores….big 51 yard drive for a field goal, way to go. Week 2 – another team that didn’t make the playoffs wallops us as if we were Braintree High School trying to come into Walpole and compete with the Rebels. This time Marcy throws for an INT and again, no scores. Great we’re 0-2 and Rock Cartwright can provide our only “offense.” You know what though? I’m still confident. In 1996, I beat out Alex Van Pelt and Billy Joe Tolliver for the starting job with the Buffalo Bills, overmatched six names to two, I became the starter for the season and the next year started my interception streak.

Well, after the Minnesota debacle on Monday Night Football, Chris and I decided to accept the invitation from “Dirty Viking” and headed out to the Georgetown Waterfront where we got onto a highly lucrative yacht which shall go unnamed. Chris brought some other cheerleader friends who he had become friendly with from past hot tub bonding and I gathered up my three girls, Rachel, Alexandra and Katie and we boarded. “Captain Smut” who was fairly familiar with the DC area and the waters of the Potomac, greeted us and showed us to the hot tub and open bar. I wore an extra spiffy suit to this after party, tailor made for me when I became friends with a young LBC click featuring Snoop Dogg and Dre’ during the 1992 Rose Bowl in Pasadena when I helped write “Nothin’ but a G Thang” about then Michigan starting QB, Elvis Grbac. Little did I know that the no bathing suits in the hot tub policy would quickly send me down below my skivvies. Chris felt a little uncomfortable with this, given present company such as “Smut,” but TC has nothing to fear in that department. So, I don’t remember much after that, but clearly the Week 1 after party was better than the game.

Week 2’s party was a little less eventful as we were in Dallas and not the friendly confines of Washington DC. I’m still good friends with Terry Glenn from our playing days at Michigan and OSU so he introduced me to some famous Cowboy cheerleaders. Terry knows how to party and we caught up on old times from our hotel room beds after hitting up a local Max & Erma’s (Terry’s choice). I almost forgot, I ran into a bunch of people who called themselves Skinheads while in a late night eatery down here. Apparently they shave their heads in support of our team and I was sorry to let them down by losing, but they seemed to like my blonde hair and blue eyes.

Ok, sorry about my anger today, but I should get going. Great pork tenderloin and a lovely wife waiting at home. Ok, enjoy your nights.

Todd Collins
# 15

Monday, September 4, 2006

Entry #5: Is there a better preseason QB?

Good evening ladies. TC here and let me tell you that I am uber excited for this blog. So I’m treating myself to a King’s feast here at the CF…2 STs, a Banana Banshee, Singapore Sling, Tex-Mex Eggrolls, Hawaiian Pizza, Thai Chicken Pasta and a tiramisu cheesecake. After all, don’t I deserve it?

A: Week 4 of the preseason. Q: Why is Todd Collins so festive? That’s correct! For all you that missed it, here’s a recap. We strapped on our boots, put on our uniforms, and were greeted vigorously by about 60,000 skinheads cheering us on. As you remember, Coach Gibbs gave me week 3 off, other than one completion, so that I can soak in my homecoming. I’ve been playing very well recently, so Papa Al wanted me to get the majority of snaps in this week’s game. After all, I’m still fighting for the starting job and I felt this was a large message being sent to Marcy and Jasmine, especially with local media wanting me to have the job. So Marcy gets the first quarter and as usual, we don’t score. Does anyone else realize that we haven’t scored a point all preseason with him in there? Jasmine comes in for the second quarter, 3 points. Thanks ladies, leave me with the backups, down 14-3 and let me try to make another comeback. The numbers speak for themselves…one half, 13 for 22, 201 yards, 1 TD and of course, no interceptions. Let’s be scholarly for a second and average that over a full game…26 for 44, 402 yards, 2 TDs, and still no interceptions. Now stick with me, let’s multiply that by 16…416 for 704 for a 60% completion percentage, 6,432 yards, 32 TDs, and still 0 INT’s – folks has that ever been done? Ok, so I’m pretty happy about week 4 and think I might be #1a on the depth chart soon. And even though I am a team player, I am far too much of a scholar to take any blame for this loss.

Looking ahead, we’ve got a home game against Minnesota in week 1 and I’m looking forward to getting in there and improving on my preseason. I got an anonymous call from “Dirty Viking” inviting me on his boat after our game so I’m going to talk to Chris Cooley, Rachel, Alexandra and Katie about joining them for some cocktails. I’ll let you know how it goes next week.

I’ve enjoyed this blog because it’s been a good week and a good meal. I think I’ll even pay here and go home to Andrea tonight. Have a good night.

Todd Collins

Monday, August 21, 2006

Entry #4: More TC preseason success

Whoa. It’s been a long day here in Washington and my chicken fingers came out a little cold so let’s get right to it.

As Skinheads know from previous postings, Todd Collins is a scholar. Academic All-American, proficient in Pan Flutes, fluent in 6 languages, accidentally writing “Tubthumping” while getting drunk in a bar with Danbert Nobacon from Chumbawamba, ability to recite all states in alphabetical order in under 30 seconds…and the list goes on. DC seemed like such a natural fit for this diversified political science major from Massachusetts. However, due to the busy schedule of an NFL QB, I haven’t had the time to usurp all that DC has to offer. Blessed with an off day, I had an opportunity to strap on my fanny pack, grab my digital camera and wander this great city. There were plenty of highlights, and some lowlights that maybe I’ll get through the course of the year.

Ok, back to on the field action. We’ve played two games since we last blogged one another. After leading us to 3 points in week 1, I was ready to show the home crowd that I was ready to do more. First of all, what a rush it was to run out in front of the home crowd for the first time and being saluted by thousands upon thousands of Skinheads. I just know this is going to be an exciting year. After falling behind 27-7, Coach Gibbs and Saunders had enough of our inept offense lead by those other two – combined 9 for 19 with an interception, and another week of benching was in-store. After the Jets scored points 21 through 27, Papa Al came to me and said, “Todd, you got some magic in you today?” So I was ready to go and pull a Frank Reich for Skinhead nation. I run into the huddle, ready to call my own plays as always, and I’m shocked to see my receivers are Jimmy Farris and Buck Ortega, it was obvious that coach was challenging me once again. However, I brought out the sparkle in these kids. Three completions and 70 yards later and a TD for Lil’ Buck and we’re back in the game. Let’s recap – three quarters of the other two QB’s for 7 points, three passes for Todd Collins and 7 points. I start the next drive on our own 2. Remembering what happened last game, coach decides to pull Jon and Chris for some other linemen…bold move. It pays off and my arm is afire as I march us down into New York territory. I don’t see the need to talk about the interception since I haven’t thrown one in a regular season game since 1997 and at U of M set a school record with a 2.81% interception percentage! (DVR + poor route running = make your own conclusion). Well there you have it, another team loss and Todd Collins victory, but TC is a team player and will shoulder 0.5% of the responsibility for this one since our roster is still pretty big and I played well. In one quarter, I led us to half our points, threw more completions than the other two, and nearly as many yards …I’m sure coach will take this in consideration.

Feeling like I proved something in week 2, I was ready to show my family, Walpole Rebels teammates, coaches, faculty and Boston Cheesecake Factory hostesses that I was worth the price of admission (TC only gets so many complimentary tickets). It’s always exciting to be back home and play in New England where my protégé, Scott Driesbach’s protégé, Brian Griese’s protégé, Tom Brady, from the U of M has been doing quite well for himself. Tom called me other day and said my knowledge trickled down to him and thanked me for that. I’m always willing to help out a fellow Wolverine, especially one playing for my childhood team. Knowing that this would be an emotional homecoming for me, Coach Gibbs and Coach Saunders talked to me about giving Marcy and Jasmine a little more time to play today and just allowing me soak it all in, since the last time I played at home was 1997. It had been a busy Friday night for me and I was invited to speak at Walpole in front of an eager group of students. Some of the cheerleaders were so eager that they wanted to show me the new bleachers at 2am, which I thought was quite odd. After their generous offer, I had to courteously invite them to my hot tub after the game. Well, the game didn’t have much action and without my on the field presence, we lost 41-0, but I wasn’t too sad, I knew that we were holding the horses back and I still hold a place in my heart for the Patriots. After Marcy got benched for a 3rd straight week, Coach decided to let me run on the field and give me a heroes welcome in front of my hometown. One pass, 11 yards and a 100% completion percentage later I ran off the field victoriously. Jasmine then got shut out in the 4th quarter. As usual, I’m a team player, so I’ll shoulder .02% of this one since I only threw one pass, but our roster size has decreased also – proving once again that I am a scholar.

So weeks 2 and 3 have been good ones for Todd Collins but it would be nice to get a W for the team. Meanwhile, I’ve been drinking a few STs tonight and have had two cheesecakes, so I’m spent. I’ll be talking to you soon

Todd Collins
# 15

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Entry #3: Early Preseason Update

Sorry Skinheads for it has been awhile, but between these summer practices, the first preseason game, hot tub adventures, four course dinners, and sightseeing, there is only so much time that a man has for blogging. But there’s so much to catch up on, so I requested a round table here at The Cheesecake Factory and am awaiting my first ST (Shirley Temple).

Let’s start with the obvious. The cheerleader tryouts have been dwindling down and Chris Cooley and I have been scouting some prospects for the post-game hot tubs. You might not know, but I’ve got a thing for nurses, so Rachel, 22, from California is in my top 3 by default, plus she gets bonus points for her hair matching our uniforms. I also appreciate that Kimberly, 28, is from Guam…during my three years away from the NFL and studying the Andean culture, I escaped to Guam for a little bit to pursue boating and deep sea fishing. However, Kimberly does not make my top 3 and will only be a substitute for the hot tub. Second in the hot tub is Alexandra, 18 from Virginia. Alexandra is an easy choice for me because she innocently reminds me of those sweet sweet nights back in Ann Arbor where Timmy Biakabatuka and I used to play hide the salami in the shower with a few Tri-Delts every Friday night. Plus, she says her perfect date would be “one that is full of surprises,” and I can assure you that there were plenty of surprises in those showers. Finally, I’m going to bring Katie, 23 from Maryland in to tub. Plain and simple, I love Katie’s dancing. Furthermore, Katie’s favorite player is Ladell Betts so she loves backups and says her favorite music is the 80s, which reminds me of going under the bleachers with high school cheerleaders as an 8th grader at Walpole Middle School. There you have it…Rachel, Alexandra and Katie will be mentioned in many upcoming stories.

Practice has been quite exciting leading up to our first preseason showdown. Even though I am confident that I will be named the starter when the season begins, Mark and Jason have been getting the bulk of snaps with the first team. Todd Collins is a fierce competitor and much like some of the great heroes of our day, Michael Jordan, John Elway, Tom Brady, Wayne Gretzky and Jeff Garcia, wants a ball in his hands at all times. I brought this up with Big Al, who has mentored me so well in the past. Al said the time will come when my number would be called, so I’m going to stick it out and see if my throws in practice increase. So I asked Andrea to cut down on the corn beef hash which I thought might be slowing me down, wore a thinner hair gel and decreased my hot tub time to three hours a day with only five or six lady friends. Needless to say, my game is at an all time high. Last week alone, I hit Clinton on a screen pass that went for 45 yards, threw a six yard slant to Santana in which he broke 5 tackles and went for a TD, and threw a ball in the flat to Antwaan and watched him sprint down the sideline. I’m convinced I’m doing my job and I can see Mark looking over his shoulder.

With my excitement sky high, I took the field with my new teammates in front of a roaring Cincinnati Bengals crowd on national TV. Man, what a rush. First of all, Mark got benched early for nearly murdering Clinton to which Joe was quite upset, but Al seemed confident knowing that his protégé was getting loose. Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I am a scholar, and I’m going to talk to Clinton about an attempted murder case against Mark. Being #1b on the depth chart, I was ready to go. Now, Skinheads, I know you’re going to talk about how my first pass was intercepted. But let me just tell you that Todd Collins does not throw interceptions, in fact my last one was in 1997, that’s 9 years without throwing an interception! Therefore, before you put this one on me, I’m going to ask you to watch your DVR’s and make your own judgments. So I held my head high and got back out there with the ball on our 2 yard line. After my first completion as a Redskin to a Redskin, we were facing 3rd down from our own 5. Jon and Chris are usually pretty steady on the line, but they missed their blocks and BAM, a safety before I could do anything. Overall, I’m pleased with my performance, especially hitting Espy for a 19 yard pass, I mean, he isn’t even any good and I can get him to catch a 19 yard pass, imagine if I had Santana in there? Ponder that. I also hit Thrashy for 22 yards to put us in scoring range, and we’re not talking about Thrashy from 2001 – I’m making these guys look good. Plus, I led our only scoring drive. “19-3” would be “19-0” without me out there. Those 3 points are going to keep the media off of Joe and Big Al for a least a few more weeks.

So, a team defeat, and of course Todd Collins is a team player. Back at Walpole High, after winning a tight game against the Worcester Walloping Warriors, Coach Gary Mueller offered me a scholarship to Michigan. It was the sixth best day of my life to that point and I wanted to share it with my teammates. As a standard present for signing a scholarship at Michigan, Coach Mueller gave me a Ford Bronco and $10,000, so I gathered up the offensive line and took them to a local Ponderosa and bought them all steaks.

It’s been 3 ST’s, an order of bruschetta, French onion soup and a chocolate chip cheesecake since I started writing today, so it’s time to get up, go home, then pay my waitress. I’ll see you all later in the preseason!

Your 2006 QB,

Todd Collins

# 15

Monday, July 31, 2006

Entry #2: My Journey to Washingtonianhood

Good Afternoon Skinheads. I’m sitting here at The Cheesecake Factory, on my third Shirley Temple while patiently waiting for my Pot Stickers, but I see no better time to share with you my early thoughts on Redskin football and Washington DC.

I knew it would be a good day when I got up this morning and my lovely wife Andrea had already prepared some smoked corn beef hash to get me energized for my first day of football. A full meal, and 6 re-runs of Seinfeld later, I was out the door and on my way to practice. Many of you are wondering, “Todd, you’re a 12 year veteran, millionaire, scholar, big home, great hair, flawless dental hygiene, lovely wife, seductive mistress, can throw a ball 30 yards…what else do you need to prove?” Well fans, my love of football, academia and sight-seeing is why I’m your city’s starting QB in 2006. Would you believe that a young Todd Collins was a Political Science Major at U of M??? I was destined for DC!

A few weeks ago, I received a call from Al Saunders alerting me that he was leaving Kansas City. Folks, I’m a reasonable man, but poke me in the wrong hole and unleash the fire within Todd Collins. Needless to say, I was devastated. This was the man that turned me from a young, inexperienced starting QB with a 69.5 rating, to a wily, experienced, NFL veteran whose 106.3 rating in 2001, 156.9 rating in 2002 and 90.3 rating in 2003 has been recently compared to Peyton Manning’s current run. Anyhoo, I was quite upset with Mr. Saunders leaving me behind and let him know my angst. Big Al let me know how important to the Chiefs I was and that he atrributed Trent Green’s success, Priest Holmes’ TD record, LJ’s leap to greatness and even his own fathering children to my time as a backup QB. Papa Al assured me that I would soon be a Redskin. I was a little fearful of leaving Kansas City where I had grown accustomed, and becoming a Redskin, but I was made to feel like a priority in DC.

Soon after calming down due to the talks with Big Al and those three late night waitresses at The Cheesecake Factory, I took time to relax. I packed my swim trunks, scuba gear and fishing rod and headed to the Bahamas with the family. Skinheads, you’re probably wondering what I would do without Cheesecake for two months, but Todd Collins if nothing if not a versatile man and one great seafood cook, so I made due with my resources. Unknown to me, Vinny Cerrato was quietly wondering what it would take to lure me to the nation’s capitol. So, I’m enjoying some mahi-mahi on the porch with Andrea when I get a call to come to the front of our cabin. Would you believe what I saw??? A limo with a young driver who called himself Daniel Snyder coming to take me to the airport. Mr. Snyder seemed like a nice man who was quite the Skinhead and seemed to be selling me on their organization. So we get to the airport and into a Redskins plane. I rode in the passenger area with Mr. Snyder, who seemed to know a lot for a limo driver, and spoke of his heated racquetball games with Mr. Cerrato (probably why Mr. Snyder drives his limo). As I dozed off, I noticed Mr. Snyder checking out my chiseled face and well conditioned hair which made me a little uncomfortable.

So, I see DC for the first time and I’m sold. It’s Saturday night and Mr. Gibbs, Mr. Saunders, Adam, his girl, Antwaan, Andre and myself are in a hot tub with a few lady friends and two hostesses from the Chinatown La Tasca – obviously the Redskins are playing hardball. Seeing how much my new teammates enjoyed the swinging lifestyle that I do, I knew we would all be instant friends. Six sangrias, three mojitos, one and a half Colt 45’s, and $2.5 million later, I was a Washington Redskin.

Phew, catching up on all those months has made me too tired to write about practice…but don’t fear Skinheads, I’m going to catch you up on my preseason and sightseeing journeys in the upcoming weeks.

Todd Collins
# 15

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Entry #1: Creating a Blog

Hello, and good morning Skinheads of the United States. As you might not be aware of, due to the lack of national coverage and 10 second segment on the 2am showing of ESPN News, I am now a Washington Redskin! Thank you to all that attended my press conference at Walpole High School on March 12, needless to say, it was a big day for me.

Many of you know about my athletic prowess, from my averaging 18 points and 10 rebounds a game for the Walpole Rebels to my 156.9 passer rating in 2002 for the Kansas City Chiefs or the fact that I haven’t throw an interception since 1997. Heck, some of you might remember when I took 1998-2000 away from the game to travel the Andes mountains playing pan flutes, while smoking peyote with the natives. I still thank the Chiefs for that time and by allowing me to ease in during the 2001 season in which I threw 4 passes, but showing no rust, surely 3 were completed. But Todd Collins is nothing if not a versatile man and as a scholar athlete at the University of Michigan, where I was an Academic All-American in 1993, I learned to read and write enough to start a diary.

However, I’ve been alerted that I can make my diary entries public by this process called “blogging.” Therefore, consider this the first entry into the blogging world. Every so often, I’m going to sit at here at my favorite restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory, sip on a Shirley Temple or two, munch on some Roadside Sliders, finish it off with an Oreo Cheesecake and a latte, and share with the Skinhead nation, my day-to-day journey as professional athlete.

Well it’s getting late and I have my first day of practice tomorrow, but don’t fear, I’ll be back with an entry on why I came to Washington tomorrow.

# 15

Todd Collins

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