Monday, October 29, 2007

Entry #26: Separated at Birth

Todd Collins:............................Tom Brady:

Folks of Skinhead and Wolverine nations alike, it occurred to me while watching my Patriots take on my current employer that there are many similarities between TC and TB. As you have previously read, there is a "conflict of interest" in my playing a game against the Patriots due to being a local legend in Walpole, Foxboro and neighboring communities. Therefore, as per usual, I was in the locker room hot-tub dining on some Cheesecake Factory Baja Chicken Tacos during the 4th quarter listening to the announcers marvel over TB's hair.

As a junior at the University of Michigan, myself and Lloyd Carr boarded a jet plane for a recruiting trip to look at a young, immature and chisled bone structured Californian QB named Tom Brady. After watching Brady's Junipero Serra High School go down in flames during a West Catholic Athletic League contest against the Archbishop Mitty Monarchs, Lloyd was ready to call it a day. We walked into the Junipero Serra locker room to see a dejected TB head-in-hands. I convinced Lloyd to let me have some time alone with the young lad and see what kind of moxie and presence he had. I made my way to the young TB and noticed that his grooming and hair were still intact as if he were ready to go straight to the club after putting on a black button-down. Perfect grooming was a vintage TC move during my Michigan days and I am often credited with making helmet hair a thing of the past... I could see the potential in TB. So we both got into a towel and slipped into the hot-tub where we talked about life, local cheerleaders, grooming techniques and the latest men's fashion as zuba's and starter jackets were making their way out. It was this brief hot-tub, air drying, and eyebrow plucking experience that convinced me to offer him a scholarship on the spot to become the next great Michigan QB.

After watching the Pats this week, I went back to evaluate the ways in which TB has truly become a younger TC. I'd like to share with you some of our numerous similarities. First of all, many football americano historians have considered TB's 2007 season to be the best single season since my 2002 season with the Kansas City Chiefs. In that year, I completed 83% of my passes while having 0 INTs and a QB rating of 156.9, which slightly trumps TB's 74.2 competion percentatge, 2 INTs and 136.2 QB rating. You might have noticed that TB considers me a big brother after taking him under my tutolage at Michigan. In order to honor my legacy in Ann Arbor, TB chose to wear my previously retired #10 for the maize and blue...however, if you look closer at the side by side pictures, TB also uses my same ball grip, uses my hand-me-down towel, similarly cut pants, same sock length and shaves his legs before every game. If I didn't know Mr. Collins better I'd have to check his flight records to make sure he wasn't on a "business trip"t0 California nine months prior to August 3, 1977.

Speaking of Mr. and Mrs. Collins...I was able to bring Victoria home this week to get a review from the 'rents. Unfortunately, after an awkward dinner, I was forced to send her on the first bus out of Walpole when she insulted Mrs. Collins mashed potatoes. However, TC must move on and fall back on the support of my lovely wife Andrea.

Well, that's enough about TB + TC = Awesomeness. Let's move on to this past week's game...The Redskins lost by a lot of points. However, I was able to take plenty of notes for Papa Al and Uncle Joe concerning how to play the game of football, and I am confident that the right game plan will beat the Patriots when we meet them in the Super Bowl. However, since whatever TC doodles on his clipboard is top secret information, I can not share this information with my fellow bloggers at this present time. Many Skinheads feel that the Patriots ran up the score on the Redskins, but TC taught TB to take no prisoners when at the University of Michigan. In fact, every Friday night when at the UofM, TB would call yours truly and I would tell him to go "balls deep" all game...there's only one speed that us Wolverines know. So, therefore I would like to apologize for the score being 52-7 this week. Had I not been involved and the Patriots not run up the score, I'm sure it would have been a more respectable 45-7.

I loved my time back home in Walpole and Foxboro and it was good to get the royal treatment from the local mortals. I'm gonna miss Mrs. Collins' homemade feasts and Mr. Collins' bed-time stories, but I'll be happy to get back to my Georgetown estate, .10 cent wings and $1 beers. I'll talk to you all after we take on the terrific trio of David Harris, Victor Hobson, BJ Askew and the 3rd place Jets.

Todd Collins


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Entry #25: We are who they thought we were!

Hey all you out there in TC’s blogosphere. It’s your blonde bombshell TC here with my weekly Redskins and all things interesting update. It’s an exciting week for yours truly as I get to come back to my home state of Massachusetts and the fine foliage of a New England autumn. Therefore, I took a flight early Monday morning to my hometown of Walpole, MA where I still hold legendary status. To exemplify my greatness to you new readers – as a senior at Walpole High School, I was named New England Football Player of the Year by the Boston Globe. You can probably guess that I might have been a great QB in high school, but it was my junior year in which I averaged 18 points and 10 rebounds a game on the hardwood and went 10-0 as a pitcher that caught the attention of many local cheerleaders and national scouts alike. I was able to cement my legacy when I coached this year’s Walpole Little League All-Stars all the way to Williamsport, PA for the Little League World Series. However, I was rather disappointed when those kids let me down on national TV. (See Blog Entry #19). Even though I am mildly upset that I will not be blogging at the Cheesecake Factory for a second straight week, I’m very excited to be sitting at the Red Wing Diner off of Route 1 eating some famous homemade grapenut pudding that I once snorted after losing a bet as a young Walpole lad.

Walpole is located a few miles from where my beloved New England Patriots play. As you can imagine, this year has been one to remember for all us Patriots fans due to the weekly spankings the Patriots have been handing out. I’ve been very good friends with Tom Brady ever since I helped lure him to Ann Arbor. Tommy has been calling me all week about going to different clubs and hot tub parties, and describing all these models and cute co-eds he’s lined up for us. However, this trip serves me another purpose. You might have remembered that I met someone from craigslist - Click Here. Tomorrow, I’m taking Victoria to meet Mr. and Mrs. Collins and get the thumbs up from the ‘rents.

Let’s recap this week. Your favorite team and my second favorite team beat Steve Breaston, Gabe Watson and the Cardinals in an ESPN Instant Classic by the score of 21-19. You might have noticed my absence from the field on Sunday, but my presence was surely felt in other ways. I tried to let Jason do this one on his own as I was in the locker room with Victoria trying to learn my new love’s ways. Jason remembered some of our lessons, such as completing at least 64% of your passes (yours truly holds the record for the best career completion percentage in Michigan history - 64.28%). However, the no touchdowns and one interception were enough to demonstrate that the training wasn’t over. So, we’re up 21-13 when Tim Rattay turned in a very TC-like efficient game, going 1-1 with a touchdown and a QB rating of 118.8. Unfortunately, that meant that we were only up two points. One thing most people don’t know is that NFL radios work just like the CB radios that truckers use, but on different channels with each team using its own custom password. I recently learned this when Trent Green gave me the Dolphins password (Shula1972) during Week 1 so that we could reminisce about our playing days in Kansas City. My assignment for this game from Joe was to hack the Cardinals password – but it had escaped me to this point, plus I was busy with Victoria and ordering Chipotle in the 3rd quarter. Knowing our team was in dire need of a victory, I picked up the radio, tuned in to channel 19, and in a moment of divine intervention, I typed in “CrownEm” Next thing I know I hear Tim say, “coach, what’s the play?” Not knowing what I was calling, I said “Air Bud 81 Right.” Tim replies, “coach, we haven’t practiced this since I was signed two weeks ago,” to which I muttered quite sexily, “son, you will run this play.” So, anyway, the rest is history: Boldin takes the snap and creates a folly of confusion ending up in an interception to seal the game. Knowing my work was done and nothing exciting would follow (on the field that is), I took off for my Georgetown estate.

So there you have it – we're now 4-2 and in third place in the NFC East because Amani Toomer is an absolute stud on and off the field. In other news, you might have heard Joe say the play-calling was up to par after our explosion of 160 total yards. After hearing the press conference, I called Joe for my weekly Monday morning strategy talk. "Joseph, we got to open it up a little bit more. We can't sit on the lead when we have stats to pad. How is Jason ever going to improve his Madden ranking in the weekly roster updates when he's only throwing 7 times in the second half? I need some deep bombs to Santana like in my preseason start so that I can dominate my online play." Taken back by my prolific words and my hitting the nail on the head of the problem, Joe was forced to concede. Joe's not a flip-flopper but he is also not as far right-wing as the playcalling in the second half. So even though I am a team player, I will take credit for being Joe's "hindsight."

Finally, Brian Griese and Tom Brady continued the strangle hold on the NFL QB position that Michigan quarterbacks have held. I’d like to think that I helped Brian with his 97 yard game winning drive that was clearled modeled after TC's preseason performance and our late night study sessions in Ann Arbor.

So there you have it Skinheads. I’m off to La Casa de Collins for a King’s feast with Victoria. I’ll catch you next week after the battle royal between my two favorite teams.

Todd Collins


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Entry #24 – Love Blossoms in Defeat

Hola senoritas and those of you senoras into the swinging lifestyle, it’s your man TC here on a mission to brighten up your long work day with a high quality dose of blogging on the second of six consecutive off days. Unfortunately, I have not made it to the Cheesecake Factory yet, since I am still in bed with a certain lady friend…

The trip to Wisconsin for the game against the Packers is always one of my favorites. Green Bay is a quaint little village filled with glorious history on and off the field. Most people know legendary Packers from Vince Lombardi to Brett Favre to.....the list goes on. However, many do not know that Green Bay was settled by Favre and the French-Canadians in 1634, making it the 13th oldest permanent settlement in the US, and that the surrounding Fox River was used as a military fort – TC is a scholar, an athlete, and a historian, so the rich tradition makes Green Bay a second home. Anyway, I must tell you that this year’s game was the favorite of my long and illustrious career. You might be saying, “Hey, TC, didn’t you notice that we lost and are now in third place?” Of course I noticed, however, the story surrounding the circumstances of our loss make this an easy pill to swallow.

The astute football fans that you are might have noticed that the Packers defeated TC’s Finest by a score of 17-14. It was a sloppy game due to the climate of Green Bay, which gets 2.17 inches of precipitation every October with an average high of 57.9 degrees. Now, a professional QB must battle such circumstances and Jason-Son did a good job of this by putting his balls right where they needed to be. However, our receivers did not come through like they did in the preseason under my guidance. The most unfortunate receiver was Santana Moss, who I was forced to bench in the 4th quarter.

However, even in a loss, TC is a man of destiny. I was doing the usual during the game – mentoring JC, calling the offense, drinking Shirley Temples, ordering Panera, playing with Papa Al’s puppy and calling my bookie. Right about the time I would normally take off for my pre-4th quarter nap, I noticed a cute little brunette in the 4th row right above the Redskins sideline. Since I can usually bag the finest kitten in the litter, my taste is quite picky. However, this girl was an 8 by TC standards – meaning she was around the same level as Alessandra Ambrosio and about two levels above Gisele. This femme fatale kept staring at me, playing with her hair and trying to send me paper airplane notes which were caught in the cool Green Bay breeze. Usually, TC would know what to do in such circumstances, but I got so caught up in the excitement of Wolverine great Charles Woodson’s game winning TD, that I had post game partying on my mind. Unfortunately, I figured it wasn’t meant to be, and my gimlets were a little more sour on this night.

I got a call from Amani Toomer after his fine performance last night. I had told him my story of lost love, and he needed to tell me that he had come across a Craigslist posting that might be of some help. As soon as I opened the following post - Click Here - I was floored! She had remembered me from the game! Furthermore, she described my exact outfit. I responded and she said her name was Victoria, and that she had been anxiously awaiting me since Sunday. So, TC had a bit of a date last night – we got some half priced burgers and $3 pints at “Sign of the Whale” in Dupont, followed by all night salsa dancing at Citron. I then took her back to my Georgetown estate where we stayed up all night and talked like high school sweethearts. When I awoke, Victoria was smiling at me, wearing my authentic Buffalo Bills jersey from my rookie year, plus Andrea had made us chocolate chip pancakes and turkey bacon with a mimosa. I don’t know what is to become of all this, but you’ll be the first to hear.

I must also give a quick mention of the great Michigan Wolverine football that ensued this weekend. First of all, the Wolverines are back in the top 25 after beating the Purdue Boilermakers by a crap load. TC might be the straightest man alive, but I’ve still got a mancrush on Mike Hart – and that’s before I knew of such noble and global causes he is involved in. Moreover, the Wolverines in the NFL represented with much pride – Tom Brady, Charles Woodson, Braylon Edwards, Amani Toomer, Brian Griese and Tshimunga Biakabatuka all had large weeks. I remember when I was at Michigan and helping with recruiting, Lloyd Carr, Gary Moeller and I took a trip to California to check up on a raw young QB named Tom Brady. As we boarded the plane back to Ann Arbor, Coach had written him off as a mid-major QB destined for a 9-5 office job. However, Tom reminded me of a younger TC that might grow up to greatness and a life of limited turnovers, winning championships and dating multiple supermodels. I convinced our staff to throw a scholarship his way as long as I personally tutored him upon his arrival. I knew that one day TB and TC would make a great pair.

Ok, well I fell in love, Michigan Wolverines did well, and the Redskins lost, but as I told Meatloaf, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Anyway, don’t fear Skinhead nations, we’ll bounce back next week.

Todd Collins


Friday, October 12, 2007

Entry #23: Small, Medium, Large, XL, TC

Hey devout fans, T-Cizzle here with a recap of what’s been going on since our last blogging experience. Sorry that it’s been a few weeks, but I was boarding my private jet waiting outside of Fed-Ex around halftime of our apparent loss to the Giants to take advantage of the bye week. I’m a little tired and jet lagged from my vacation, so I’ve decided to bypass going to the Cheesecake Factory, and have instead brought the CF to me. Andrea called for some carryout and ordered me the always delightful Ahi Carpaccio and Jamaican Black Pepper Shrimp. To make the experience all the better, Andrea is wearing her new authentic CF skirt from the 2007 catalog…and she’s never looked better.

I must say that the week leading up to the Giants game is always one of my favorite weeks of the year. Before my NFL success, I was an academic All-American at the Mike Hart University, throwing bombs and landing bombshells with my favorite receiver, Amani Toomer. Like myself, Amani has put together a long and fantastic career in the NFL. Although we have always dreamed of playing together again with Mercury Hayes to my left and Amani to my right, it just hasn’t been in the cards. Amani arrived Tuesday night, and we held a private hot tub party at the Collins household after picking up a few locals at McFaddens which is becoming a little too easy. On Wednesday we went to Lima on K St, cause Amani likes to keep it classy on Wednesdays…although I must say that with all the European flavor in there, a blonde hair, blue eyed New Englander can feel quite out of place. However, after a few Gimlets, I was able to loosen up a bit, and became a hot commodity, much like a brunette in Sweden. The rest of the week was full of classy debauchery all the way up to game time. Anyway, Papa Al and Joe know that TC does not play the week that Amani is in town, and with the half-time flight already scheduled, it made much more sense to start Jason.

There’s no need to even repeat this, but TC is a team player. Even so, there is no denying my impact on the 2007 Washington Redskins. I’ve tutored Jason from a raw, immature, annoying, diaper dependent, young QB into the fine young man and decent QB he is today. Furthermore, my preseason two-minute drill victories and 100+ QB rating set the tone for our 2-0 start this season. Therefore, I am willing to shoulder some of the blame for the loss to the Giants. In an attempt to take the training wheels off of Jason’s proverbial bike, I asked him “can you handle this second half on your own?” Jason nodded, and I was on my way to Honolulu, Hawaii for my first of two annual trips. With the game in hand to the tune of a 17-3 lead, I boarded a jet plane and waved goodbye to all my fans and fellow Redskins. As far as I was concerned, we were 3-0, and I was the QB of a first place team. Apparently, Jason’s wheels fell off, but I knew he’d be a better QB for it.

Amidst the snorkeling, sky diving, wind surfing, scuba diving, hang gliding, mountain climbing and strip twister, I received a call from a panicked Jason. “TC, I don’t know what to do without you on the sideline man. As soon as you’re not around I start throwing incompletions and turning the ball over, even though you preach against it...I just can’t help it” I knew that Jason saw me as a father figure and much like an adolescent, he was rebelling. When TC was a young lad, his father often told him not to take opposing team’s cheerleaders under the bleachers before games. I loved my father, but he often missed my games due to business trips. Before the state semi-finals one year, I gazed into the crowd searching for the missing eyes of my father and instead found a cheerleader from the Foxboro Foxes. Needless to say, I understood Jason rebelling against my leaving town so much by not protecting the ball and behaving sinfully. I told Jason that he was forgiven, and that he should fly to Hawaii for the second week of my vacation and I would indulge him in a most intensive quarterback training session. Jason couldn’t believe his ears, wept a little and quickly boarded my little used second private jet.

As soon as he arrived I put him on a strict diet, tight schedule, made him wax my car and paint my resort house. I shared with him the secrets of the quarterbacking world that I learned from Elvis Grbac and Trent Green but had yet to pass along to any man. I opened a whole new world of 3 step, 5 step and 7 step drops, check downs, running the option, game day grooming, pointing towards god, pre-game cuisine, post-game parties, and the list goes on. I took Jason back to the plane on Saturday morning and gave him the ultimate honor, a shiny gold TC trophy for passing all his tests. I told him I’d see him Sunday and that I would arrive some time during the game in order to avoid a QB controversy…this game was all Jason’s.

The rest is Redskins history. Jason went 23 of 29 for 248, 2 TDs, 0 INTs and 0 fumbles. I also think I managed to inspire the defense in some way because we held the high octane Lions offense to just 3 points. What a great story and I’m proud of Jason-son.

In other football news, I wanted to acknowledge Brian Griese becoming the starting QB of the Bears. Griese was a very young lad when I was at the University of Michigan, but with late night sessions, I was able to mold him into a national championship QB. I must say though that Brian’s arrival might challenge our stranglehold as NFC favorites.

There you have it Skinheads. It’s been a relaxing and very proud two weeks. Anyway, my food’s getting cold and Andrea is ready to model the rest of the catalog. Take Care!

Todd Collins


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