Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Entry #12: "The Source" Exclusive Confession

First off, in an exclusive blog entry, I am here to tell you, that Todd Collins is “the source.” Now, I know some teammates might have a problem with me and think I alienated the defense as our problem and left Gregg Williams out to dry. First off, Gregg with 2 g’s, I’m only reporting the truth of how I see it and frankly I don’t like the way you spell your name and that in itself is arrogant enough. Toddd’s got a serious problem with arrogance. So, here I am, Senor Springs, saying it to your face via the internet: Todd Collins is nothing if not an honest man and when reporters ask me questions, I’ll answer them, even if that means in a dark parking lot.

I’m glad that is off my chest, and I don’t think there is any bad blood between TC and the teammates. Someone had to light a fire, and I did it as I often do. Needless to say, the defense responded. Greggggory and company shut down anything that Carolina tried to do. Delhomme to Smith was no more potent than a bottle of Jeter cologne, and Carolina struggled to move the ball all day. However, Jason didn’t listen to me and threw his first NFL interception. Normally I would be upset because I don’t throw interceptions, but I had to take a step back and realize that a young TC was also turnover prone and it wasn’t until wiser times that I figured out I just needed to avoid those – hence no INTs since 1997. Jason will soon learn this. The problem was that most of the passes were also hitting the ground and we had about 60 yards of passing up until the last magical play. You’ve all probably heard on SportsCenter or George Michael’s Sports Machine that Jason’s headset went dead on the 3rd and 8 TD to Cooley. Yes, this is true. However, let me tell you the whole story…

Jason gets in the huddle on a huge 3rd and 8 play, with the game slowly fading from our grasps. Big Al radios in a play, Jason looks at him wearily due to the inept passing game that Al had called all day, and in a move well beyond his years turned off his headset. Next thing I know, Jason looks me in the eye and we connect – he wants me to call the play. I take a quick look in the huddle, and it might have been the mixture of my chimichanga with extra spicy guacamole and painkillers, but I see Angels around Chris Cooley. Being a big Fox Family Channel fan, I knew that Angels on a sports field tend to lead to good things. I call Chris’ number and Jason gives me a silent nod. The rest is history…Angels bounced those guys off of Chris and led to the best post-game hot tub party this city has ever seen.

Ah, yes…it’s been an eventful week full of Skinheads, Sources, Angels and Yoders. I’m about done with this Shirley Temple and Godiva Cheesecake, plus Cindy is ready to go home. So, we’re 4-7, in last place, and hurt our draft status, but victory in the hot tub never tasted so good.

Todd Collins
#15Todd Collinstag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6878926821955145767.post-54258167927502891472006-11-20T18:11:00.000-08:002006-11-29T11:28:59.357-08:00

Monday, November 20, 2006

Entry #11: UGHHH!

Good afternoon ladies, and even gentlemen this time. Well, there isn’t much to say about this weekend other than…ughhh! First of all, let me say, I didn’t get to make it to Tampa for the latest Redskins game, but took the time to watch almost 50% of the plays. TC is all about business today and quite crabby, so I’m going to tell Cindy to rush order my Crispy Crab Wontons, treat myself to a Kobe Burger (I’m a millionaire) and get right to it.

First of all. I want to apologize again for not making it to Tampa this weekend. Let me tell you that it was very hard for me to turn down the offer from Coach Gibbs to start. This was not an easy decision for me, especially having a QB itch knowing the last time I started Yancy Thigpen had 1398 yards receiving and Karim Abdul-Jabbar led the league in TDs. However, TC is a man of his word and nothing but a trustworthy man, therefore I had to be in Columbus. So let me give Skinhead nation a breakdown of what I thought was a classic NFL game.

Let me just say that I was impressed that Jason was able to soak up my knowledge and tutelage quite well. The first thing I noticed was that Jason did not throw an interception. Being a father figure of a different skin tone, I was proud that he was following in my footsteps. If Jason manages not to throw an interception until the year 2015, then I’ll know he’s really been paying attention to our late night sessions. Remember, I haven’t turned the ball over since 1997! Apart from Jason, I was most impressed with my guy Nick Novak again. Man, where did we get this guy? His kicks look that much prettier on Coach Carr’s Hi-Def TV. So, it’s 3-0 right away and I’m smelling the victory from across the country. However, some kid I never heard of was playing QB for Tampa and wasn’t going to be outdone, so before I can change the channel back from watching World Poker Tour on ESPN 2, the score was tied 3-3. The second quarter was the most exciting. As you know, I got the chance to hang out with Derek Jeter all weekend in Columbus, and we bonded pretty nicely. Anyway, Coach Carr let me watch the game from his room, so I told Derek to come over and he brought his new fling, Jessica Biel. Knowing that I was a big 7th Heaven fan, Jessica told co-star Rachel Blanchard to tagalong. Maybe it was that I was wearing my sample of “Derek Jeter: Driven” cologne, or perhaps it my noticeably white teeth and silky blonde hair, but Rachel and I hit it off. Next thing I know, Derek, Jessica, Rachel and myself are in Coach Carr’s hot-tub sipping on a few morning mimosas and getting to know one another. Thinking things couldn’t get better, in walks co-star Beverley Mitchell wearing a velvet robe. You wouldn’t guess this from watching an Episode of 7th Heaven, but Ms. Mitchell is quite the firecracker. Needless to say, but I wasn’t able to watch the second or third quarters.

So, by the time I get back to Coach Carr’s flatscreen, it’s a tie game at 10 in the 4th quarter. I was so happy that Jason learned from me and threw a TD pass to Chris Cooley. I knew Chris would be jealous of my hot-tub extravaganza with the cast of 7th Heaven, but I figured he would have some fun with his cheerleaders after the game. The tie didn’t last long and soon enough we’re down 10 – thanks Ladell. At this point I figured we’d lose, but Jason has only 70% of TC magic in him and made up 7 of the 10 points. Anyways, we’re now 3-7, but there were lots of positives from the game – Jason’s performance, Rachel + Beverley = crazy fun, Chris scoring a TD, Nick Novak, and we learned that there is some guy named Todd Yoder on our team.

In all seriousness for a second and as a Michigan alum, I just want to say thank you to Bo Schembechler for his contribution to the University of Michigan football program and making this rivalry what it is today. The timing of his death is crazy, but I’m sure he would have been proud of the effort I put forth in my playcalling Saturday. As someone who was recruited by Bo and was a legacy on the field while Bo was athletic director, I had the time to get to know Bo quite well and even shared a few late night victory cigars in his office. RIP Bo.

I don’t want to speak too much about the Michigan game because it hurts. I gave up my starting QB job in order to try to inspire the Wolverines to win. One thing is for certain: the 10 minutes I spent rubbing Chad Henne’s arm before the game paid off. He led our team to 39 points. However, I’m worried it was too good because he overthrew a wide open Super Mario Manningham by about 10 yards which would have given us the 14-7…plus he hasn’t stopped calling me since. However, we were still in the game late into the 4th quarter until a bad three & out, plus Shawn Crable deciding to wait until the end of the game to hurt Troy Smith, plus Rivas’ onside kick being quite un-Novak-like. The good news for Michigan is that Todd Collins did not play QB for USC, Florida or Arkansas, so that’ll probably give Michigan enough strength in the alumni portion of the computer polls to warrant a rematch.

I hope you enjoyed the story of my weekend and it’s too bad that I wasn’t able to help Skinheads wake up to a 4-6 Monday morning. Well what do you know, Jessica, Rachel and Beverley just arrived (no sign of Derek). Guess I’ll be ordering 4 cheesecakes tonight!

Todd Collins


Thursday, November 16, 2006

Entry #10: Off to Columbus!

I just want to take a second to thank you all for your fan mail and support wishing me good luck in Columbus this weekend. I’ve been scouting the Ohio State defense and believe there are some weaknesses that I can expose. I’ll be on the sidelines calling the plays and relaying my expertise to Chad Henne and the Michigan offense. No word if Coach Carr wants me calling the plays on defense too, but I’m sure you’ll find out soon.

I’m going to get a head start and go to Ann Arbor first so that I can visit the old dormitory and mingle with the tri-delta's I used to party with. I’ll be sure to make late night stops at a few local Jimmy John’s, Cottage Inn, the Pizza House and Big Ten Burrito after partying for hours at Rick’s and the Jug. From there it’s off to Columbus via my private jet that Michigan gave me in 1994. I’m taking Michigan alums and nearly alums Jalen Rose, Derek Jeter and James Earl Jones. No call back from Madonna yet. There’s going to be a lot of Michigan love in the house.

With so many great heroes, why do they look up to Todd Collins so much at the University of Michigan? Here’s the answer:

College records

  • I finished my collegiate career at Michigan with the best career (64.3%) and single-season (65.3% in ’93) completion percentages in school history. Jim Harbaugh who???
  • TC is third in career completions, attempts and yardage, while owning the school’s second and third-best seasonal yardage marks (2,518 in ’94 and 2,509 in ’93).
  • TC is third on school charts in career rating with a 145.0 mark. However, the 145 pound fish I caught out in Pasadena has yet to be matched.
  • I own a Wolverine mark for average yards per play (7.04) and am second on the school’s charts for yards passing per game at 158.32. Man I'm good.

If you’re looking for a prediction, I’ll say Michigan 27, OSU 24 if I don’t call the plays on defense. If I do call the plays, 34-13 Michigan. You’ll know by the outcome.

So wish me well Skinheads and look for me on the sideline. Sorry again for declining the invitation to be your starting QB. But TC is a team player and I wish Jason the best of luck as he fills in for me this weekend. So good luck and I’m going to finish off this order of Potato Skins that I’m eating in your honor.

I’ll be sure to bring my fanny pack, digital camera and have some great stories to tell.

Good Luck!

Todd Collins

# 15

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Entry #9: Excitement Brewing

In honor of this blog entry's title, I decided to change it up from the Cheesecake Factory and am currently sitting in the Brickskeller drinking a few brews and scouring down a cheeseboard platter. The atmosphere is less friendly right now but I’m waiting for the college crowd to come in.

So, TC, the Redskins are 3-6, practically out of the playoffs, why are you excited? Maybe that’s because I was named starting QB for the Washington Redskins!!!

Wait…Isn’t Jasmine starting in Tampa this week? That’s true, but it’s a long story and I’ve got some updating to do, so make sure to read on.

Week 8 was a bye week so I went to my Walpole High School class of 1989 reunion where it was great to see so many familiar faces. And as the family man I am, I decided to break away from the norm of hot tubs and the city lifestyle and simply break away and hit the slopes in Vail with Andrea and the family. It’s hard to get away when you’ve had my kind of success, but Vail offered seclusion and a chance for me to try snowboarding for the first time…man, what fun!

Week 9 was an “instant classic” that I’ll be sure to watch one day. It’s getting cold in DC so I had decided to move up the post-game hot tub to a during-the-game hot tub. It was a good decision, and with a two-at-a-time cheerleader rotation going, it still worked. I was glad to have my ST cooler indoors with me. Facing a tough Dallas team, with our backs against the wall and Marcy as our QB, we still were able to pull a victory out thanks to Nick Novak. I’ll tell you, that kid is some kicker. I came out to watch the last few seconds of the game after the roaring from you Skinheads kept me awake. I see Dallas has the ball with a few seconds to go. I figure we’re going to overtime so I’ll grab a hot coco and head back to the bench. But Adam gets beat long and sets up Dallas for a victory, but no! A block and a penalty later and we’re in field goal range. I don’t know why Coach Gibbs put in Novak instead of Hall, but it paid off and we’ve got one hell of a kicker and a victory. We really rallied for this victory and of course the post game celebration was a blast since Chris scored a TD. I returned the favor and brought Terry out into Adams Morgan that night where we danced salsa and La Habana Village until the early hours of the morning. TC is a modest man, but, as many ladies can inform you, I’ve got the rhythm of a human metronome.

Week 10 was by FAR the most exciting week of the season for yours truly. Yea, the game was kind of a rout and we proved that we aren’t that good of a team, but what occurred in the later stages of the game and after are truly remarkable. Let me first say that Todd Collins is a Wolverine first and will always be loyal to Coach Carr and the maize and blue. It has been known for weeks that I would be in Columbus, Ohio and on the sidelines for the Michigan/Ohio St. game. Therefore, I’ve talked to Coach Gibbs and Papa Al and let them know that I will not be attending the game in Tampa due to a prior conflict. Coach Carr truly believes that my inspiration can propel them past the Buckeyes, and I don’t disagree – it is my pleasure to motivate fellow scholar-athletes. But back to the Eagles game. We’re losing because Marcy can’t throw and our defense can’t defend, but then it happened…a voice in the distance calls “Collins, you’re up.” Now, I had been prepared for this so I studied the Eagles all week and made sure not to order Manny & Olga’s to the sidelines on this particular day. There’s 9:03 left in the fourth quarter and I have visions of the time Trent Green ate too many jalapeno poppers in KC. Well, Marcy…you’re benched (for the 5th time this year) and TC, it’s your team. I was throwing bullets on the sideline and smelled the endzone already. However, it’s pretty obvious to me that Marcy was paying our defense to consistently let up first downs and drain the last 9 minutes of the game. I never got in but it couldn’t hold me down.

Not long after the game, Coach Gibbs addressed the team and alerted them that I would be starting in Tampa next week. Imagine that, my hard work, practice, flawless grooming and witty charm had paid off and I was the starting QB for the 2006 Redskins! I told Coach to give me a few minutes to check my planner and I’d get back to him. Realizing that I had given my word to the University of Michigan and thinking back on the tens of thousands of dollars I received at Michigan, I had to decline the invitation to be your starting QB. Sorry Skinheads, but Jason is going to take my place for a week or two depending on the Michigan game, but don't worry, he's been learning a lot from me. Coach Gibbs and Big Al have tried to convince me to change my mind but my word is worth gold. However, I must admit they that they give a hard sell - they are impressed by my many tools as a NFL QB – laser arm, pocket presence, colgate smile, scrambling ability and must have finally realized that I don’t throw INTs and routinely put up a QB rating of over 100.

So there you have it, I am the starting QB, finally #1 on the depth chart and Marcy is down to number 3. I’m so glad I stuck it out as #1b. What do you know, my check is here…"this one’s on the house" says Cindy, it’s good to be me.

Your Starting QB,

Todd Collins

# 15

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