Monday, October 13, 2008

A Family Reunion!

Greetings skinheads, and happy Columbus Day! I know it's been a while since you've heard from the 'ol TC but I have much to share with you about the comings and goings of your favorite NFL QB. With Papa Al and my mentor Trent Green of the illustrious St. Louis Rams in for the weekend, you can imagine how busy the past few days have been. After yesterday's game, the three of us went to celebrate the victory with a hayride to the pumpkin fields out in Poolesville -- not too far from Dan's waterside mansion.

Papa Al has always been like a father to me, and Trent often like a second father. As you know, these kinds of relationships are completely legal back in my home state. Anyway, while we were riding on that tractor, they asked me all about the Redskins and the great success we've been having the past few weeks. I told them all about the arrival of Me-so-Zorny and how his first phone call once he got the job was to yours truly. He told me quite clearly that he wanted me to be the starter, and his featured weapon in the west coast offense. I explained to Zorn that I don't have time to learn a new offense, but I'd start coaching him on Papa Al's 700 page playbook as soon as he was ready.

By the end of the August, Zorneezy still didn't have a good feel for the system. He wanted me to play against the Giants in week 1 but I told him that simply wasn't possible. I hadn't anticipated having to work on a Thursday, and my schedule was already booked with a casting call for Terminator 4. I didn't get the part, but my long lost brother Christian Bale did, and I'm happy to settle for producer creds on the film. Anyway, long story short, I was back on the sidelines calling plays in week 2, and that has made all the difference.

"Why didn't you play in the games, TC?" I know that's the question that's been on all of your minds, and the cause of many sleepless nights. My friends, let me put your unease to rest. Many have forgotten the tragedy of September 8, 2008. On that fateful day, the second greatest QB in NFL history, my friend and mentee Tom Brady, went down with a career threatening injury. With hours of blood, sweat, and guts invested in his development back at the University of Michigan, I was worried that my legacy might be tarnished. I had to scramble to find my next successor, because all bets are off with Tom now. Little did I realize that the next TC and TB was right here on the skins... Yes, Mr. Brennan, or CB as I call him now, combines the best of TC and TB, minus the Ts. But it goes further than that gentlemen, and of course, you lovely ladies. Just take a gander at these tea leaves fellas:



Our names are the same length, and have the same number of letters. And while I'm not ashamed to point out that Todd is the best first name in the English language, theres no denying that Colt is a distant second. Yes folks, I've been training CB to be the next great QB of the world. I know you saw what he did this preseason, and believe me, that's just the beginning. With so much on my plate in calling the plays, developing Zorn, and grooming CB to take this team over, I haven't had time to play any downs. But rest assured skinheads, once we make the playoffs I will clear some time to play.

Ok, time to give Colt makeover #1.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

I'm Back!

Well it looks like yours truly will be the QB of 'Skinhead nation for at least the next 6 years. Stay tuned for the low down on how this deal happened. TC's been very busy ironing out the details of this contract with the required due diligence.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Off-Season Report #2: New Coach, Giants and Concerts

Hey there fruitcakes, it's your main man TC here with an update on all things important. I had such a great week in Hawaii and wasn't quite ready to play after attending Snoop Dogg's celebrity Luau on Saturday night so I told Coach McCarthy to just go with the other QBs. Fortunately it worked out and I was once again victorious in life. Anyway, it's great being back in the lower 48 and of course back in the Collins Cheesecake Factory Suite.

Although it was quite heartbreaking to see my New England Patriots go down in a blaze of fire, I was still happy for one member of the New York Giants. Congratulations Amani!!! Man, I'm pretty sure a word search into the Collins' blog will come up with a few favorites - coeds, grooming, no interceptions, Tom Brady, Cheesecake Factory, Herbie Hancock, and Amani Toomer. It's been a long journey for my old roommate but he proved what we already knew - that the Michigan class of 1994 rules! Amani's winning also shows that TC is due for his first NFL championship next year, so Redskins fans should be excited about that. Even if I'm in another city, I know you'll follow the career of TC. After watching the Puppy Bowl and tracking my Dominoes Pizza order online for the first three quarters, I was definitely on the edge of my seat for that very exciting 4th quarter. I guess the lesson we need to learn is that perfection is not achieved easily which truly makes me appreciate all my flawlessness.

In other news...we've got a new coach. Snyder must have been sensing the kind of cash that it will take to keep TC around so he didn't hire the big name most were expecting. I'd like to be the first to welcome Jim Zorn to Washington. Although Zorn will probably just be a figure head for the coaching genius of yours truly, it'll be nice to have a new "boss" around. Zorny has an impressive resume which includes... 4 days as the head coach of the Washington Redskins. After being hired as Offensive Coordinator three TC coeds ago, Zorn quickly moved up the ranks after a rousing rendition of "Bust a Move" by Young M.C. during a night of karaoke in Adams Morgan to which Snyder was in attendance. Snyder invited Zorn out for a jumbo slice followed by a Julia empanada and the rest is history.

If this truly is goodbye, then my time in DC has truly been special for the people of Washington. It even appears that TC has inspired a rock band. In fact, this Friday, February 15th, 10pm at the Grog and Tankard, you can see a band named TC-15 which is clearly paying homage for my time here. These guys surely have fantastic taste, so I'm pretty confident it will be a good show and I might just show up to play some jazz flute. This should catapult TC to godly status now that I've inspired millions of people with my quarterbackin', pick up artistin', and rockin'.

Well as the saying goes, that's all folks. I look forward to blogging with you all as the off-season progresses and don't forget to vote because not voting is un-American and offensive to TC - a true American Patriot.

Todd Collins


Sunday, January 27, 2008

Off-Season Report #1

Hey all you TC-heads out there, it's your favorite starting QB TC here to give you the latest scoop on what's going down this off-season.

I'm in Hawaii and awaiting my pro-bowl invite any day now. I'm confident that I am NFC alternate QB #2. I'm currently awaiting my Escargot Maison appetizer and Avocado Crab Crusted Fresh Mahimahi while sipping on a cabernet sauvignon at the very romantic Hau Tree Lanai Restaurant with my wife Andrea. She doesn't mind if I pull out the ole' laptop before our appetizer arrives, so it's a good time to get this bloggin' started. Most of you are probably wondering - "Hey, TC, we haven't heard from you since you single-handedly saved our season." Sorry TC lovers, but it's been quite the busy off-season with the coaching search, endorsement deals, Pros v. Joes Season 2 filming, World Series of Poker, and the obvious courting of yours truly from around the league.

Let me start my first off-season blog by keeping y'all abreast on the coaching search. While I'm sad to see Uncle Joe, Uncle Greggg and especially Papa Al leave, I must say that I am excited about the opportunity of pursuing my coaching career right here in Washington DC. Snyder texted me last night to alert me that I'm on a short lists of finalists along with Jim Fassel, Ron Meeks, and Lloyd Carr. I had preliminary interviews at the Grand Hyatt downtown in Mr. Snyder's executive suite. There was a crowded lobby of potential candidates which included a team of Ditka for HC, Jaworski for OC, Boomer for QB coach, Keyshawn for WR coach and TJ for DC. I knew the competition would be fierce so I told Snydes that I was the obvious choice since I am a one man staff + QB and come for the basement bargain price of the top paid head coach plus top paid OC and DC. Anyway, Snyder said he'd get back to me.

If for some reason I don't end up as your head coach, then Washington might be seeing the last of TC. As we all know, Papa Al has been sent packing. Al is a father figure to me, and I credit Al and God given talent such as rocket arm, pinpoint accuracy, and elusiveness for my NFL success. There's some rumors that Al might head to St. Louis which would make that job quite attractive since Bulger clearly isn't getting them to the promise land. I've been weighing the pros and cons...DC has $1 beers at McFaddens with college coeds, $.10 wings with college coeds, trivia at Fado with some college coeds, smoke machines at Lima with college coeds trying to meet Europeans or NFL QBs, college coeds in GTown, college coeds in Foggy Bottom, college interns on the Hill, and Fuddruckers. There's some other things too like the cherry blossoms and national mall which TC can appreciate being a historian and all. Plus, TC has all sorts of VIP treatment in DC, although establishing that in St. Louis should be no problem. On the other hand, St. Louis has Papa Al, Anheuser-Busch, and....the Arch? So, it's a wash. Now, there's tons of other starting QB options out there for TC but it pretty much boils down to remaining the savior in DC, following Papa Al, or having the homecoming of the century with the Patriots and battling it out with my mentee, Tom Brady.

The Superbowl build-up has been very exciting for me since I am a life long Patriots fan. In a way I'm kind of glad that we aren't playing the Patriots since my lawyers say it would have created a conflict of interest. Anyway, I'll be on speed dial with Tom and Belichick throughout the game and help break down some series with my superior football IQ.

So that's all folks. It's still young in the off-season, so stay tuned for more updates as the off-season goes down. Let me sign off before Andrea wolfs down all my escargot.

Todd Collins

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Live Bloggin': Playoff Edition!

7:50 - To quote the Beatles, "now it's time to say goodnight to the 2007 season."

:30 - Ok, i know what you're thinking. TC throws an interception, the apocalypse is coming, let's go score some drugs, hit the strip club, and go down in a blaze of glory. Not so fast...since that INT came in the post-season it doesn't really count against my stats...right? Anyway, there will be a Disney movie about this game by the end, so stay tuned.

7:17 -
Laron smoooooth.

7:15 -
So TC's no prophet, just a savior. Damnit Suisham, where did we find this guy anyway? I know I've never heard of him before this year. Only 14-13. To quote George Michael, "you gotta have faith."

7:08 -
You're welcome for my brilliance. To quote Warrant - "TCs my Cherry Pie." I don't know when people are going to stop doubting....whoa, our ball. I'll be back when it's 21-13

7:00 -
To quote Badfinger - "there is no real perfection...unless it's Todd Collins' quarterback rating in the 4th quarter." I'm feeling pretty good, although my back's a little sore from carrying this team.

6:43 -
Ok, only 13-0. TC scores at least twice every night, so don't worry about this one. We're gonna use some secret weapons for this drive.

6:34 -
Keep hope alive! Just remember I taught Tom Brady and Matt Hassleback everything they know. I haven't lost a game since 1997, so there's no reason to get your panties in a bunch. TC loves drama. So let's just think happy thoughts and everything will be ok. In TC we trust!

Halftime -
Sometimes you just gotta cut your losses. Therefore, I will be playing the second half by myself on offense. Halftime Entertainment.

5:54 -
God blessed me with good looks, perfect features, wonderful hygiene and enough sex appeal to be GQ Man of the Year. However, it is also the reason that Seattle can't keep their hands off of me as if I were a New Kid on the Block circa 1990. Wow, our ball already...unfortunately there's three minutes left, or else the two minute drill would be in full effect.

5:43 -
Peterson of Michigan St. might have gotten me that time, but he can not make up for the decades of whoopings that my Wolverines have given his Spartans. But none of that is relevant right now. Don't worry Skins fans, Captain Collins is weathering the storm on this loveboat and it'll be smooth sailing from here on out.

5:31 -
This is not going exactly as planned. I can't believe that someone would not be able to hear my manly and boisterous voice while I'm calling for the snap. We might have to get into the locker room so that I can give the offense a piece of my mind. It's as if I'm wasting my greatness today. I wonder if the Patriots will pick me up to start next week if we're eliminated today....hmmm.

5:22 -
Someone keep Kerney away from me...I think he's got the hots for TC. This is why Gibbs needs to listen to me - none of this stuff happens if Mark takes out his knees. uh-oh, back on the field

- While I continue to throw wonderfully tight and accurate spirals, things just aren't clicking yet. I'm going to talk to Coach Gibbs about sending Brunell in to make a run at Kerney's knees....TC does not enjoy a man laying on top of him. It's nice to see a fellow New England quarterback on the field. Although lacking the prowess of dating supermodels or perfect symmetrical features, Hasselback has served the state of Massachusetts quite proudly. Time to play...

5:01 -
Do all the ladies get excited every time Smootalicious touches the ball or is it just me? Anyway, I got ready for my fourth ever playoff drive...but twas not meant to be :..( Oh well, time to go un-pause my game of Tetris.

4:52 -
Although TC was flawless on that drive, the rest of the crew is cracklin' under the pressure of such a meaningful game. The excitement of a playoff game and the season premier on American Gladiators is a lot to handle for one weekend. However, the TC legend continues to throw as I am quickly establishing a reputation as the King of Swing passes.

4:40 -
Man it's louder than an Enya concert in here. A quick three and out, and I can go finish my pre-game pilates before my next drive. Although I appreciate how well our defense is playing, I must say that it's been tough to complete all sideline rituals between drives. Nice, a little Pearl Jam before commercial...Alive, just like TC.

- Ladies and Gentlemen. After 36 years and 1/5th of my life, it's playoff time for TC. Although I come into this game with plenty of experience from the 1996 wild card match up against the Jaguars when I threw a few dropped passes. Papa Al has assured me that we're gonna throw more than 4 times, so my career high should be passed shortly. I'm currently air drying while waiting for the game to start. I like to get deeply entranced in meditation before games. Anything that TC visualizes will come true. Alright boys, let's go get 'em TC style....back in a bit!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Happy New Year!

Ladies, it's your favorite quarterback, one time NFC player of the week, one time horse trailer player of the game, and now NFC player of the month, TC here. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and got those Tickle Me Collins' that have been flying off the shelves. I also hope you had a wonderful new year and made your resolutions to never doubt TC again.

I know I had a great 2007 filled with no interceptions, 106.4 QB ratings, lots of Cheesecake Factory, a star on the Hollywood walk of fame, and the success of the first annual TC's double-dutch championships for inner city DC children. 2008 promises to be even better already as I am actually playing which means that I should win the NFC player of the month 12 times.

Beating the Cowboys and qualifying for the playoffs probably ranks up somewhere in the 123-127 range of greatest moments of TC's life, and right up there with Jack Collins' birth this past month. Did you know that TC was the only NFL QB in the past four games who didn't throw an INT? I did. This victory cemented TC and TB as the top two quarterbacks in the NFL which is the way it should be. We have the top two ratings, two best groomers, best humor, longest tooth brushers, and greatest aura. There's no doubt that we'll be facing each other in the Superbowl and the Pro Bowl. Some of you guys might be saying..."Todd, the regular season is one one thing, but how can we trust a QB with such little playoff experience?" I will point you in the direction of the 1995 and 1996 NFL seasons when TC was a young lad with the Buffalo Bills. In 1995, I had the privlege of backing up Alex Van Pelt as he filled in for an injured Jim Kelly in a 40-21 Wild-Card loss to the Steelers. That experience prepared me for my playoff debut when yours truly filled in for the once again injured Jim Kelly for a series. In a magical 30-27 loss to the Jaguars, I went 1-4, 7 yards and 0 INTs. TC is a playoff veteran, and that experience will help us immensly on Saturday.

New Years Day was quite exciting as I have quit partying to watch game-tape to help strategize for both the Redskins and Michigan games. I flew down to Orlando with other famous Wolverines such as Braylon Edwards, Tom Brady, Amani Toomer, the ashes of Gerald Ford, James Earl Jones, Madonna, Dr. Kavorkian and the unabomber to be there for Coach Carr's last game and implement the spread attack which took down Florida. Although it was quite a victorious day, a bad omen was unleashed when Mike Hart fumbled twice after 1002 carries without a fumble. I started thinking about my interception streak, but quickly realized that Hart was mortal. I was very tempted to start partying in Orlando with my old teammates, but decided to keep it PG-13 with Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and Pluto.

That's all for now. I look forward to live blogging during the Seahawks game, but we all know that TC does not lose and that I shall grace the 2nd round with my presence. Normally I'd check off by saying that I've just finished off some mini burgers or nachos grande, but it's a new TC for a new year.

Todd Collins


Sunday, December 30, 2007

Redskins Cowboys - Live Blog!

Post-Game Wrapup: TC would like to personally welcome all his fans to the playoffs! I'm 4-0 as your starter, and yes, tomorrow night the 10-year interception streak will ring in for another year. Coming off the bench and saving the team's season, many have likened me to greats such as Jeff Garcia, or as I like to call him "el saviour de philadelphia." After tonight's performance, I think they may even start comparing Tom Brady to me. I'm not one to make predictions, but don't be too shocked if the superbowl features a matchup of Michigan QBs. The master vs. the apprentice, that would be quite a story. On to Seattle!

6:49 PM: Another toss, another completion, and another TD for TC! 5 TDs and zero INTs for Massachusetts' finest. My passer rating is down from 107 to 106.4, but tonight's post-game party will more than make up for that. I think Santana has earned a designated seat next to Cooley in the tub. I'm looking forward to matching up against fellow New England QB Matt Hasselback as he hails from Norfolk, Mass. We've been rivals ever since I had an encounter with the Xaverian Brothers High School cheerleaders in the spring of '89.

6:38 PM: What would the NFL have been like if TC was actually starting the past 10 years? I'll let you folks marinate on that while I finish this drive.

6:23 PM: When the FOX Commentators mention "Todd Collins Magic," that's basically what it looks like in action. 20-3 Skins. I better go ahead a pre-order a hot tub in Seattle.

Halftime Update: They've been keeping me pretty busy out there on the field so there hasn't been much time for blogging. Santana has been dropping a lot of beautifully thrown balls, so I had to give him a little pep talk in the locker room. We'll come out firing and should be in the playoffs within the hour.

5:24 PM: I need to have a word with Buges about these protection schemes. I can't be getting hit when I'm trying to read the field and throw the ball. Go Broncos!

5:03 PM: 10-0, and the zebras are trying to give the game away, but even they can't stop Suisham's leg of destiny. So far so good. Romo has not been playing well since he started dating Jessica Simpson. Good, veteran QBs like Tom Brady and yours truly have shown the ability to juggle numerous supermodels and the rigors of football at the same time. Tony clearly needs some help in that department. I might have to take him under my wing after the season ends.

4:38 PM: D is playing too well. I don't even get a break today...

4:34 PM: Don't worry folks, TC does not throw INTs and that throw was just a ploy to get good field position with the penalty. 7-0 skins. Good run portis. And I'd like to thank Cooley for being the best receiver ever. If we could clone him 9 times and get them all out on the field with TC I don't think we'd ever lose. I'll need to talk to Dan about acquiring some scientists to get on that.

4:24 PM: Tough drive. I carried the team as far as I could but at some point the line needs to block and Caldwell needs to catch. I'm blogging from the sidelines on my new iPod Touch that Andrea gave me for Christmas and the raindrops are definitely messing with the screen. Time to look at some photos of the D...

4:14 PM: I hope you all saw TC's 107.0 passing rating this month. Apparently TO didn't even travel to DC - he no doubt fears the growing legend of TC. I better get ready, we've got the ball...

3:59 PM: The weather is getting nasty out here folks. I'd rather be on my couch in my georgetown estate taking a nap right now, but with my big free agency payday coming up in a few months this is a good opportunity to keep padding the stats. I just got off the phone with my bookie. I won't give any details but let's just say that the TC-led redskins have won every game by at least 8 points.

2:32 PM: Hey skinheads, it's your NBC Horse-Trailer Player of the Week here ready to lead the charge into the final game of the season. Anyway, I just got in to Fedex from Union Station. It was a late party night yesterday evening as I spent the evening clubbing in NYC with Tom, Wes, Randy, and Junior. 16-0 is truly an amazing feat, almost as amazing as not throwing an interception in 10 years... but not quite. Still, it's really good to see hard work pay off, and all those late-night hours I spent tutoring Tom at U of M have basically created the best team in NFL history. But TC is a humble man and would never claim such credit for himself. Anyway, Papa Al is pretty angry with me getting in so late, so I better start warming up, but let's face it, I've been prepping this game plan for almost 7 years.

My Home

My Home
This is the birthplace of Todd Collins