Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Entry #22: Two and Oh So Good!

Man, so many things to talk about this week that I shant delay. I'm sitting here back in the now legendary Collins Suite of DC's finest Cheesecake Factory. Since I'm feeling quite celebatory this week I've decided to bring Andrea and the kids for good times and good eats. My Factori Peach Bellini is at a delightful temperature, my Grilled Skirt Steak is cooked to perfection and the kids are digging into their mountain of Nacho as usual at the CF. So without further to do, on with the blog!

I'd like to once again apologize for having not played this Monday. However, I am hopeful that Skinhead Nation can forgive me based on the following story...

Saturday night I was up in Ann Arbor trying to reconnect ties with the UofM community. Lloyd Carr had given me a call and said that he's tried everything to fool our opponents, such as having pre-snap motions always go in the direction of the run in hopes that the other team would guess a misdirection play. However, it hadn't been paying off and Lloyd wanted me to personally give the team a pep talk along with long time buddy Russell Crowe. Anyway, Jimmy "The Emu" Clausen couldn't solve Michigan's stingy defense and we were victorious by a 38-0 score. After the game, Mike Hart, Mario Manningham and myself decided to hit up local football favorite bar, Touchdowns. Now, I'm talking to some lovely young Michigan coeds, when my phone rings... So I pick up the phone quite sexily when I see it's the President of ESPN, George Bodenheimer. Mr. Bodenheimer had called me before when ESPN was considering picking up a TC reality show to run against Hogan Knows Best, but I hadn't heard from him since. Mr. Bodenheimer explained to me that Monday Night Countown ratings were at an all-time low and that a dynamic change was needed. Apparently, Mr. Bodenheimer was so impressed by my class, speaking, physique and all around charm that he wanted yours truly to become the brand new host of Monday Night Countdown.

Now, all of my blog readers know that I've been trying to get into the acting business. I garnered some notoriety after a brief stint on a groundbreaking episode of "The Facts of Life" during which I played Tootie's love interest when we became the first sitcom ever to tackle interracial relationships. I bounced around Hollywood, most notibly landing the role Robbie Sinclair, the teenage son on ABC's "Dinosaurs", but then settled on my pro football career. The long hiatus ended when I was picked to play Raoul in a production of the Phantom of the Opera this summer as I only have ten years or so left in my professional football career. Anyways, after Mr. Bodenheimer's call, I phoned Joe and Papa Al and alerted them that I would not be attending the game against the Eagles on Monday due to the opportunity of a lifetime to host an ESPN show. They were not happy about this but they wished me luck and told me my services would be missed.

Mr. Bodenheimer had a private jet waiting for me inside Michigan Stadium and I quickly fly to Bristol to get ready for Monday's airing. After my introductory meeting with producers, Boomer, Coach Parcells and the rest of the "talent," we were ready to start shooting. I soon learned that being so blonde and good looking is a hex in the land of TV. The envy seeping from the pores of my co-hosts was evident from the first time I said "third and almost as long as TC." We all have learned from Magic Johnson and some of my co-hosts that the transition from athlete to TV personality is a challenge that not many have succeeded in. Not being very familiar with failure, yours truly lit up the stage in a masterful debut along the lines of "Good Times Bad Times" off of Led Zeppelin I, or Brad Pitt's role as an uncredited waiter in the 1987 classic "No Man's Land." Unfortunately, ESPN wasn't ready for what they are calling the "TC mania" and neither were my co-hosts. Furthermore, there was some serious tension when all my co-hosts picked the Eagles to defeat the Redskins (as exhibited at the top). Now, TC is a loyal man and will stand by his teammates through thick and thin, other than when they play the Patriots, but only because I grew up a Pats fan and have a thing for Tom Brady. I stood up, cajones on the line, and told my co-hosts - the Washington mother flippin' Redskins will be 2-0 by the end of the night - the rest is almost TV history. After filming, a very amicable decision was made to cut all my scenes which would keep the rest of the "talent" happy, but to pick up my reality show when I retire in 2017.

There you have it. And I beg of your forgiveness again for missing a second straight week. However, it was a career decision that has landed what will be a hit reality show in ten years, so I feel it is well worth it.

Wow, only one nacho left and it has my name on it...take care of each other Skins heads.

Todd Collins



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