Que pasas casas...it's your one-time NFC player of the week TC here coming to you live from my brand new yacht which I'm planning to pay for with the Pro-Bowl bonus that will be coming my way soon. It's nice to get out here on the high seas of that beautiful Bahamian water with some good friends, good food, good tunes and good times. I've brought my favorite staff from the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate the end of such a wonderful week. So let TC take you on a voyage aboard my blogging-boat for the next few minutes to tell you exactly what went down this week.
Last week was quite the whirlwind for me. With all the plans I made this summer such as mandolin lessons, public speaking engagements, running a few half marathons, bringing a class action lawsuit on behalf of the Walpole Carpenters Union, Dancing With the Stars, and perfecting the Superbowl Shuffle, this was really the first week I was able to free my schedule enough to prepare to start a game.
So the week started with high acclaim and a well deserved award for only the best players in the NFC. Now that I've become such a celebrity in DC, I was invited to an exclusive DC fraternity with other famous people from here. So Wednesday night I went to K Street Lounge to celebrate with an eclectic group which included Dave Chappelle, Connie Chung, Tim Gunn, Maury Povich and a Jim Morrison impersonator. The night got a little out of control when Connie and Tim insisted on doing body shots on yours truly. Fortunately, I was able to get out of there with my dignity and return home to my Georgetown estate with a few buddies for an after hour party since Andrea's been a little busy this week.
The Mitchell Report was the next biggest event (besides me) to come out of this week. I have to admit I was a little nervous on this one. Rumors have been circulating about my 10-0 season as a starting pitcher for Walpole High School in 1988. One night at a local Boston bar with some Bellirica High cheerleaders, I was downing a few cold ones with my boyhood idol - Roger Clemens. He taught me his 5 C's of pitching...cream, control, change-ups, chicanery, and cream. He gave me a can of this aforementioned cream. Next thing I know, I had bigger biceps, 5 more MPHs to the fastball and an extra inch of optical edge.
Folks, I got a very special call on Friday while sitting on my beach chair and overseeing practice. It turns out that yours truly had created new life. I took the private jet that I co-own with Danny and went to see Andrea. It was very special to see a young Jack Collins just walk out and say his first words - "what's going on pops?" Fast development runs in the family.
The game was pretty special as I continued my winning streak at 2, my undefeated streak at 10 years, and my interception streak which is moving towards eternal. I'd like to thank Amani for helping me out with some drops, and an "unintentional" roll into the Shocker. For more on the game...make sure to read the live blog from Sunday.
Finally, I concluded my week by flying to Ann Arbor to introdue the next face of Michigan football - Rich Rodriguez. We've been working on a deal for when my playing career is over in ten years to be an offensive coordinator at Michigan. RichRod has seen me use my legs to propel my NFL career and couldn't think of anyone he'd rather have teaching the option-spread offense. However, I was quite disgusted when RichRod misrepresented the all-time classic, The Lion King at his national press conference. Coach Fraud said - "there's a scene where the monkey hits the lion over the head and the lion says, 'What did you do that for?' And the monkey says, 'Doesn't matter, it's in the past." Although genius for bringing up the Lion King, everyone know that Rafiki was actually trying to teach Simba that the past does matter, and can hurt. I just wanted to get that off my chest...phew.
Ok, well it's been a great week full of winning football games, incomplete passes, Baby Collins', new coaches, steroid probes, Disney monkeys, and too much Connie Chung. I've rambled on long enough, and I just noticed that Antwaan scripted "man lover" into my chest with the suntan lotion... not that there's anything wrong with that. I'll see y'all with my game preview in a few days!